UPDATED: Last Chance to Buy Advertising on Family Radio Before the Rapture

Want to reach the multitudes before it’s too late? Worried that you’ll head into Armageddon without sufficient funds to rule the damned? Afraid that you’ve missed the opportunity to shuck your goods to scores upon scores of mindless droids?

Image Courtesy of Family Radio

Well, worry no longer my friends. As the marketing manager for Family Radio*, I am the only person on God’s green-for-now Earth to give you the opportunity to reach your potential customers before it’s too late. This is a golden calf opportunity (no pun intended, praise Jesus, Amen).

Hurry now and you will receive exclusive advertising rights on Family Radio, the station that everyone will be listening to this weekend. In between the predictions of Mr. Harold Camping, listeners could be hearing about your product. Maybe it’s SPF-4,500 sunscreen for the impending hell on Earth. Maybe it’s nostril plugs to keep the stench of burning sinners’ flesh out of your nose. Maybe it’s hot dogs and marshmallows to roast over the pits of hellfire that will rise up from the bowels.

Whatever it is, seize the opportunity and get your word out there! Call now and you’ll get exclusive advertising on Family Radio for the low, low price of $150,000 per 30-second commercial. This deal won’t last long, folks. Glory be to God and thanks be to me for offering you the last advertising opportunity ever.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – $150,000 sounds like an awful lot for a 30-second commercial. Sure it does. You’re completely right. Only an idiot would pay that kind of money. Only an idiot on any other day, that is. But you’re not an idiot and this is not any other day – this is the last day of the world. After Saturday, only sinners and the damned will be left on the Earth. You’re going to need some serious loot to stay ahead in that condemned world. You have to spend money to make money, amiright?

Just think about the potential audience for tomorrow’s broadcast. Not only will the faithful be listening, but all those naysayers as well. And it’s all those naysayers – the majority of tomorrow’s audience – that are sure they’ll be around come Sunday. Those are the dopes that will buy your product and ensure you’ll have a leg up when Ol’ Johnny Scratch, a.k.a. Beelzebub, rolls around. I’m sure he would appreciate a person that seized such a momentous opportunity to make money off of other people’s suffering.

But don’t wait until it’s too late! Grab the devil by the horns and enter the Rapture a rich man! (Or woman – bitches’ monies is green as well)

Call now.

UPDATE: Due to unforeseen circumstances, the opportunity to buy advertising on Family Radio has been extended indefinitely.

*self-appointed and completely fabricated position

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Author: Joe McVeigh

I'm a linguist who researches email marketing. I also teach at the University of Jyväskylä in Finland. I write about language and linguistics on my blog, ...And Read All Over, and I write about language and marketing on my other blog, Email and Linguistics.

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