Last Chance to Buy Advertising on Family Radio Again

This is it. Your absolute last chance, final opportunity, now-or-never moment to purchase advertising time on the only station worth listening to this weekend – Family Radio.

This time for real for real.

Why is Family Radio the only station worth listening to? Because of the Armageddon, of course. No matter if they’re going to heaven or hell, people are going to have money to burn this weekend. Why not have them spend it on that wonderful doohicky you’re hawking?

What about the last time I said “last chance?” Well, that was last time. Our Dear Leader Harold Camping praisejesusamen, made some slight miscalculations last time. Something totally happened, mind you, it just wasn’t the end of the world. It was like the beginning of the end. Or something.

But October 21 is totally the end of the end. Strike while the iron is hot, folks. These people need that thingamajig you’ve been peddling and they need it by October 21.

Just think – not only are all of your customers going to the afterlife in 6 days, but you’re going to be joining them. This is what famous marketers call a golden opportunity. If you don’t take it, someone else will.

I think we can assume that you are one of the lucky ones headed upstairs. But when you meet your maker, what are you going to tell him when he asks why you didn’t take advantage of the Rapture?


Exactly. There really is no excuse not to pilfer these souls of their savings.

Call now.

[UPDATE] The possibility to purchase advertising on Family radio has been once again extended indefinitely.

UPDATED: Last Chance to Buy Advertising on Family Radio Before the Rapture

Want to reach the multitudes before it’s too late? Worried that you’ll head into Armageddon without sufficient funds to rule the damned? Afraid that you’ve missed the opportunity to shuck your goods to scores upon scores of mindless droids?

Image Courtesy of Family Radio

Well, worry no longer my friends. As the marketing manager for Family Radio*, I am the only person on God’s green-for-now Earth to give you the opportunity to reach your potential customers before it’s too late. This is a golden calf opportunity (no pun intended, praise Jesus, Amen).

Hurry now and you will receive exclusive advertising rights on Family Radio, the station that everyone will be listening to this weekend. In between the predictions of Mr. Harold Camping, listeners could be hearing about your product. Maybe it’s SPF-4,500 sunscreen for the impending hell on Earth. Maybe it’s nostril plugs to keep the stench of burning sinners’ flesh out of your nose. Maybe it’s hot dogs and marshmallows to roast over the pits of hellfire that will rise up from the bowels.

Whatever it is, seize the opportunity and get your word out there! Call now and you’ll get exclusive advertising on Family Radio for the low, low price of $150,000 per 30-second commercial. This deal won’t last long, folks. Glory be to God and thanks be to me for offering you the last advertising opportunity ever.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – $150,000 sounds like an awful lot for a 30-second commercial. Sure it does. You’re completely right. Only an idiot would pay that kind of money. Only an idiot on any other day, that is. But you’re not an idiot and this is not any other day – this is the last day of the world. After Saturday, only sinners and the damned will be left on the Earth. You’re going to need some serious loot to stay ahead in that condemned world. You have to spend money to make money, amiright?

Just think about the potential audience for tomorrow’s broadcast. Not only will the faithful be listening, but all those naysayers as well. And it’s all those naysayers – the majority of tomorrow’s audience – that are sure they’ll be around come Sunday. Those are the dopes that will buy your product and ensure you’ll have a leg up when Ol’ Johnny Scratch, a.k.a. Beelzebub, rolls around. I’m sure he would appreciate a person that seized such a momentous opportunity to make money off of other people’s suffering.

But don’t wait until it’s too late! Grab the devil by the horns and enter the Rapture a rich man! (Or woman – bitches’ monies is green as well)

Call now.

UPDATE: Due to unforeseen circumstances, the opportunity to buy advertising on Family Radio has been extended indefinitely.

*self-appointed and completely fabricated position