Dear National Vaccine Information Center,

I read recently that the malaria vaccine is progressing well and will be coming out soon. If we act now, we’ll be able to protest it the moment it hits the shelves. Obviously, the first order of business is to come up with a few “side effects” that it causes. I’m thinking diarrhea, gout, dyslexia, boredom, Parkinson’s and possibly homosexuality. I’m open to your suggestions, but I think beating the dead autistic horse would be counterproductive.

The next thing we need to do is figure out other ways that our kids can be protected from and cured of malaria without taking the evil vaccine. I’m offering Japanese Eyeball Poking™ because I’m sure that by the time the vaccine comes out, someone will have visited my office with malaria (although I kind of hope not). Oh well, doctors don’t need to know and we don’t need evidence for our claims. And I’m not going to Africa to treat people for malaria with Eyeball Poking. Have you seen that place? Talk about disease central.

Can you think of anything else we need? A celebrity endorsement would be nice. Jenny McCarthy is taken, obviously, but maybe there is someone with similar skills. What’s Yasmine Bleeth up to these days? Does she have kids? Can we give them malaria?

Until we figure these things out, I’ll be the face of the protest. You get everything working behind the scenes. I’ll germinate the forums, you plan the march on Washington. Together we can stop this terrible “life saving” vaccine from ever reaching Africa.

Also, someone needs to figure out if we can send live mosquitoes through the mail.

Sincerely,

Joe McVeigh

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Homeopathic Breast Milk for the Modern Organic Father

My wife and I had a baby five weeks ago and now the magic is over. The magic is over because I just realized a cold, hard truth. You see, we decided to breastfeed my son and ever since birth he has been literally attached to his mother. How am I supposed to be a 20th Century Fox father, when my son won’t even turn his head in my direction? What’s a guy got to do to play dad?

My options were pretty slim. Formula was out of the question because that would put us in the pocket of Big Pharma. But that left my son in the pocket of Big Momma. Or so I thought…

I knew other helpless fathers were out there yearning to reclaim their sons. But none of them were doing anything about it. It was up to me to think of a solution.

I first tried to consult our doctor, even though I thought it was a lost cause. Not once has he ever suggested I try complimentary and/or alternative medicine. Some “doctor,” huh? Well, sure enough, he proved my fears correct by telling me breast feeding was a good thing. Hmph. Like I was supposed to be happy about that.

I would have to go it alone. It was time for Dr. Joe McVeigh to step up to the plate.

After much thought and soul-searching, I hit on an idea. Why not use homeopathy to help me reclaim my son? It was out there, I know, but it was worth a shot. After all, at least homeopathy has been proven not to harm anyone (something traditional medicine can’t quite say, now can they? Hmm? I didn’t think so.).

So what I did was sit down and squeeze my nipple as hard as I could. I squeezed and squeezed and squeezed. I squeezed until I couldn’t squeeze no more. I just had to get a drop of milk out.

My theory was this: If I could get a drop of milk out, I could dilute it with water 10,000 times – as per the homeopathic woo mumbo jumbo recipe. Then I would have more than enough homeopathic breast milk to reclaim my son from Big Momma.

And guess what? Something came out! It was warm and thick and wet. Since it came out of my nipple, it was most likely milk, most likely placed there by the great Earth Spirit Banshee Life Force. It was just a drop, but a drop was enough.

I dropped that drop in the Pacific Ocean at San Francisco. Then I waited 3 months, flew over to China and started scooping up the holistic homeopathic all-natural organic man boob breast milk. This product that I have invented is both homeopathic and Asian Chinese non-Western. That’s like two meridians with one needle!

If you’re a father that feels his child is in Big Momma’s pocket, you’re in luck. I have lots and lots of bottles of Dr. Joe McVeigh’s Homeopathic Breast Milk™ and no chance that I’ll ever run out (lots of water in the Pacific Ocean, you know). For the low, low price of $29.99, one of these 12oz bottles could be yours. Your child will thank you and your wife’s breasts will thank you. What are you waiting for?

Call now.

McVeigh’s Law of Conspiracies

McVeigh’s Law of Conspiracies states that as people and enterprises are added to a conspiracy theory, the probability of that theory’s truth approaches zero.

Another way of saying this is that the plausibility of every conspiracy theory is equal to a ratio of the size and scope of the characteristics of the people and enterprises involved in the conspiracy theory, including the telling of the conspiracy theory itself. The equation looks like this:

Where:
I1 = Instances that The X-Files is referenced in the conversation about the conspiracy theory
T1 = Total number of times you have heard or read about the conspiracy theory in question
S1 = Stains on the shirt of the person telling you the conspiracy theory
B = Number of conspirators (so named after the most famous conspirator, Brutus)
U = URLs devoted directly to the conspiracy theory in question (but not derivations thereof)
L1= Number of declarations in the conspiracy theory that would be lies if the theory is false
L2 = Losers that already believe the conspiracy theory and are all too ready to say “I told you so.”
S2 = Total number of sentences needed to tell the conspiracy
H = Number of man hours needed to successfully complete the conspiracy
I2 = Probable number of times the losers from L2 will actually say “I told you so.”
T2 = Total number of degrees the main conspirator is related to Kevin Bacon

McVeigh’s Law of Conspiracies is the most reliable way of telling if a conspiracy is truthful and worth thinking about. It is used by both conspiracy proponents and detractors alike, whenever it suits their argument, which it always does.

The Best CAM Vaccine Ever. Period.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this anti-vaccine campaign that I signed on to. What I think we need are not just complimentary but alternative medicines to help us battle those pesky little germs. As a legitimate doctor, I feel especially qualified to aid the public in this matter.

The more I thought about this conundrum, though, the more I realized that the other “doctors” were actually on to something good. Taking fish oil for the measles, Echinaceabopshebop for the mumps, and Japanese Eyeball Poking for everything else is all fine and good (and I can’t recommend these wonderful products more – Hi, Senator Hatch!), but what we need is what the doctors have tried to accomplish with the MMR vaccine. We need something that can conquer all diseases once and for all so we can get on with our lives.

Friends, I think I’ve found it.

I’m calling it Swimming with Sharks™ because that’s just what it is. We all know that sharks are immune to all diseases just as we all know that humans and animals are able to manipulate the cosmic energy fields in order to heal themselves. I’m just putting two and two together here to make the ultimate CAM vaccine. By using the natural karmic spiritual motion generator fields, I am able to transfer the shark’s immunity to the patient. All they have to do is get in the water and swim with my sharks.

Now, I know the idea of Swimming with Sharks™ sounds crazy, but so does sticking needles in your body to relieve pain. But acupuncture works, amiright? It just stands to reason that Swimming with Sharks™ would also work. In fact, I have pretty much already proven that it works. I tried the method on both of my sons and guess what? The one that survived has yet to develop whooping cough, polio, or rubella. Now how’s that for proof? He even said he can feel the healing powers he gained from Swimming with Sharks™. Who needs scientific studies? Booooring.

Just think – that could be your son or daughter with that shark, getting all immunized.

The added bonus of Swimming with Sharks™ – which I will throw in for no extra cost – is that it works best for babies since not only will they obtain the sharks’ immunity, but they will also learn how to swim (away) from the sharks. When the sharks see the infant floundering in the water, they will instantly take the child under their fins and rescue it – just as any animal would do because animals are more in tune with the cosmic nature of natural beings. And if they don’t, you’re going to end up with a mini Michael Phelps that is immune to every disease known to man and shark. Bonus!

If you’re still in doubt, let me ask you this – what else are you going to do? Get real vaccines? Come on. Get real.

Call now.

Inspried by My Mother Warriors

Have you heard what’s going on out there? Everywhere around the world, mothers are standing up to Big Pharma. These are strong minded women who aren’t afraid to say no! They are an inspiration to us all.

In fact, I was so inspired by these brave Mother Warriors™, that I decided to stand up. I’m myself am a vaccinated male (my cross to bear!), so unfortunately I could not be strong in the same way. But I knew I had to do something. And I think I hit on a few great ways to expand the great ideas of the Mother Warriors by finding other social pressures that are really just choices. These may be my ideas, but all of you are free to practice them.

Drive It Like You Stole It
I don’t have a driver’s license and I’m not going to get one. Do you know what they put in cars? Lead gasoline. How harmful is lead gasoline? It’s lead and gasoline! Cars are so harmful, and I haven’t even mentioned all the oil and exhaust and sometimes shag carpeting. It’s horrifying. So what if I don’t know the traffic laws? The only one I’m possibly hurting is me, right? At least I’ll know that I didn’t pay one cent to Big Oil or Big Highway or Big State. If this idea goes well, I plan to apply it to airplanes and boats as well.

You know, I never really liked stopping at red lights either. I don’t think I’m going to do that anymore. Do you know how many people are injured while waiting at red lights each year? I don’t, but I’m sure it’s a lot. Is it really worth it to voluntarily stop and wait for pain to be inflicted upon you, which is sure to happen, just because Big Red Light tells you to? I don’t think so.

Teach a Man to Fish…
You know what I always hear? People telling me that I have to know a subject and have a teaching degree if I want to teach children. Well, I can tell you one thing. My grandmother didn’t have no teaching degree and she taught me everything I know. Why do you think I don’t swallow gum? Because it takes seven years (!) to pass through my digestive system. Thanks, Grandma! I had warts until she got someone to buy them off of me. And have you ever noticed any hair on my palms? No, because Grandma told me not to masturbate. She really was a pill – a homeopathic pill!

So I’m going to become a teacher. I don’t need to know math or English or science. I’ll teach the kids real, valuable life lessons, just like my grandmother taught me. They’ll be much better off. Requiring our teachers to have teaching degrees is just society’s way of making you obey Big Education.

Help! 911!
Did you know that you have to go to school in order to become a police officer, fireman, or EMT? Can you believe that? The reasoning is something about the safety of society. Whatever. My intentions are what really matters. And I intend to serve and protect to the utmost of my ability. What’s wrong with that? Well, in the eyes of some, the problem is that my money won’t be going to Big Donut, Big Smoke Alarm, or Big Band-Aid.

If You Build It…
Are you an architect looking for a complementary and alternative way to have your building inspected? Well, then you’ve come to the right place. Have me inspect your building for structural safety and you can rest assured that not a single penny will go to Big Building Code. Because I’m not licensed by them!

Taking Out the Trash
I’ve been dutifully taking out my trash for years now. And for what? More bills and more money to Big Landfill. Do you know what they put in landfills? All sorts of trash and garbage! There are flies everywhere. It’s disgusting! Well, I for one am no longer contributing to that mess. I’m also no longer disposing of my used motor oil in the “recommended” way (we all know what that means). I live next to a lake, so I’m just going to dump everything in there. Out of sight, out of mind!

Running of the Bulls
Why should Spain have all the fun? What about Pamplona, PA, USA? Listen – I know a guy who knows a guy who can get me five horny and pissed off bulls to release sometime next month. I’m not going to tell anyone in Pamplona, PA, I’m just going to let them go some weekend. It’ll be a riot! Why, yes, Mr. Mayor-of-Pamplona, PA, you may give me the key to your city. Really, it was nothing. Just doing what the spirit moved me to do.

Who Wants Marshmallows?
I live in a row house in Philadelphia and I’m sick and tired of the city telling me that I’m not “allowed” to have a bonfire on my porch. Who are they to say? It’s my house, I’ll do what I want. If my neighbors can’t stand the heat, they can get off my porch. I don’t see what the problem is.

Let’s Get It On
I’m HIV-positive, but I hate telling my sexual partners about it. Talk about aww-kward. So I’m not going to do that anymore. This, again, is just me exercising my right to choose.

Remember, all of these will be our little secret, OK?

Introducing Homeopathic Soap

I, Dr. Joe McVeigh, creator of Anger Yoga, innovator of the Facebook Uphoria Creator & Dignity Umptulator (FUCKU), and the only certified and reliable Japanese Eyeball Poker in the West, have done it again! I have invented the newest and greatest way to practice homeopathy everyday – even when you’re not sick! That’s right, now there’s a way to be homeopathic 24/7.

It’s called Homeopathic Soap™ and it works just like regular soap, only better. It’s sure to clean and cure you of all the natural dirt and grime that builds up on your skin over time.

Why did I create Homeopathic Soap™?

I drew inspiration from the great Mother Earth Spirit Banshee, like all of us do. My inner life instincts spoke to me from the ages, as they speak to all of us, some stronger than others. Also, I was looking for a way to relieve fools of their money people of their dirt.

How did I create Homeopathic Soap™?

I took one germ and placed it on one speck of dirt. I placed that combination in the Caspian Sea, the largest freshwater lake in the world. I used the Caspian Sea because it’s in the East and therefore more beneficial to homeopathic remedies than any Western body of water. After four moons, when my dirt and germ combination was sufficiently diluted enough, I went and drew from the water. I let the homeopathic life-infused water sit until it became soap. Like cures like, as we all know, so my Homeopathic Soap™ is sure to cure you of germs, dirt, and Caspians.

Pictured: White Homeopathic Soap™ bar on a black background.

Who can use Homeopathic Soap™?

It’s homeopathic, people! Anyone and their pets can use it. I’m talking babies, baseball players, bald men, bald women, your aunt, your uncle, that weird cousin – anybody!.

What are the drawbacks to using Homeopathic Soap™ instead of Big Pharma soap?

The only drawback that I have found is that Homeopathic Soap™ requires slightly more belief from users in its efficacy compared to Big Pharma soap. But this isn’t a drawback when you consider how the use of Big Pharma soap is cold and calculating, while using Homeopathic Soap™ is warm and loving and caring, like a big imaginary shower with Mother Earth. In fact, users of Homeopathic Soap™ who also believed in homeopathy reported feeling cleaner than users who did not believe in homeopathy. And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

How much does Homeopathic Soap™ cost?

Unfortunately, I am no longer accepting homeopathic payments as this was a disastrous way to run a business (who knew diluted money wouldn’t be as good as real money?). In order to still be reasonable, however, I have set the prices at one Homeopathic Soap™ bar for $24.99 or three for $99.99! Hurry while supplies last.

Call now.

UPDATE: Due to the extremely high interest I have received in Homeopathic Soap™ from idiots true believers, I have founded a organization called the Society of Complementary and Alternative Bathers (SCAB). It’s a place for like-minded people to gather and talk about their homeopathic alternatives to Big Pharma soap. We meet every Tuesday night at 7 pm in the auditorium of Bill Smith High School. Coffee and donuts are served.

Another Important Voice Weighs in on Gay Marriage

Right on the heels of David Tyre’s anarchy predictions, another prominent voice has come out against same-sex marriage. This time it’s my dog, Mr. Bo Jangles, who has expressed concern over the legalization of gay marriage.

Mr. Jangles has been known to voice his opinion in the past, usually when he’s hungry, when he really has pee, or when there’s a pile of shit on the sidewalk that he wants to stick his nose in. But in a rare instance of speaking out on public policy issues, Mr. Jangles told of his apprehensions about what same-sex marriage could mean for other dogs around the country.

“Imagine if I had been raised by two men,” he seemed to say with those puppy dog eyes. “I would probably still be the fearless home protector that you rely on, but would I be able to snuggle with you as good as I can now? Would my licks to your face be as soft and full of devotion as they are now? I don’t believe so because those are the kind of things only a female master can teach.”

Proceeding down the same logical path, Mr. Jangles likened the social and legal approval of same-sex marriage to the anarchy that comes when thunder strikes or when the garage door closes.

But Jangles isn’t the only one making his sound heard in McVeigh Manor. Mr. Jangles’s opposition to gay marriage, which was backed by the National Orgasm for Marriage, comes on the heels of my cat Mittens’s support for the same-sex marriage law passing through the chambers of my house.

“Why the hell would I give a shit what you worthless humans do?” Mittens glared. “Yeah, I’m for it. I’m for any laws that offer Emperor Mittens a chance at more food. Got it, dummy? Now, get off the couch. All this meaningless talk of human concerns has nearly bored me to death. I need a nap.”

The coming out, so to speak, of Mittens was shocking since she has always been either too uninterested or too asleep to engage anyone in any kind of social interaction. But last week her energy in declaring her stance reminded me of the time I tied a piece of string to the back of the chair.

No word yet on where my fish stands on this issue. Or my imaginary iguana.

Stay tuned to hear what these important voices have to say.

Related posts:

Removing the Middleman from the Gay Marriage Debate