Scandal Rocks the Kemblesville Mayor’s Office!

Mayor Irving’s Facebook account is hacked! Will he become the next Anthony Weiner?

Yesterday, a suspicious message was posted on Mayor Ryan F. Irving’s (I) Facebook wall. The message read:

I regret to inform you that I am stepping down as Mayor of Kemblesville.

Irving believes his account was hacked, possibly by someone from the Rick Santorum camp.

This isn’t the first time Mayor Irving has been involved in controversy. We all remember when he tried to move the Indianapolis Colts to Kemblesville in the middle of the night, his reasons being that that was how they got to Indianapolis in the first place. Then there was the scandal involving his deputy mayor, Ramona C. McVeigh, who tried to unseat him while he was in Indianapolis.

And, of course, there are those on the internet who keep removing his section from Wikipedia, claiming that it is “incomplete, unverified and poorly written.” As if that’s a reason to delete sections of Wikipedia and not the most accurate description of Wikipedia itself.

Well, as campaign manager, I can attest that everything you read on his Wikipedia contains nothing but truthiness. This article is verification of that fact. Check it out before his internet enemies strike at his Wikipedia section again.

Dear National Vaccine Information Center,

I read recently that the malaria vaccine is progressing well and will be coming out soon. If we act now, we’ll be able to protest it the moment it hits the shelves. Obviously, the first order of business is to come up with a few “side effects” that it causes. I’m thinking diarrhea, gout, dyslexia, boredom, Parkinson’s and possibly homosexuality. I’m open to your suggestions, but I think beating the dead autistic horse would be counterproductive.

The next thing we need to do is figure out other ways that our kids can be protected from and cured of malaria without taking the evil vaccine. I’m offering Japanese Eyeball Poking™ because I’m sure that by the time the vaccine comes out, someone will have visited my office with malaria (although I kind of hope not). Oh well, doctors don’t need to know and we don’t need evidence for our claims. And I’m not going to Africa to treat people for malaria with Eyeball Poking. Have you seen that place? Talk about disease central.

Can you think of anything else we need? A celebrity endorsement would be nice. Jenny McCarthy is taken, obviously, but maybe there is someone with similar skills. What’s Yasmine Bleeth up to these days? Does she have kids? Can we give them malaria?

Until we figure these things out, I’ll be the face of the protest. You get everything working behind the scenes. I’ll germinate the forums, you plan the march on Washington. Together we can stop this terrible “life saving” vaccine from ever reaching Africa.

Also, someone needs to figure out if we can send live mosquitoes through the mail.


Joe McVeigh

Mr. and Mr. President

Finland’s presidential election is on January 22 and one of the candidates is homosexual. But here’s the kicker: sexual orientation has not been an issue. The other candidates haven’t brought it up, the media hasn’t brought it up, and the people haven’t been clamoring to bring it up. But why?

Is it because Finland is an amoral socialist wasteland that obviously doesn’t care what it’s teaching its children? Or is it because the media, the presidential candidates, and the people of Finland have decided that mentioning a candidate’s sexual orientation is at best pointless and at worse detrimental to society? If you answered “yes” to the first question and “no” to the second, you’re living in the past. If you answered “no” then “yes,” welcome to the future.

There’s no need to tell which one of the candidates is homosexual, but you can be pretty sure it’s not the guy from this party.

Twumping Bachmann

Michele, we need to talk. I’ve been hearing these crazy things about you. I mean really crazy things. At first, I said to myself everything’s cool because these crazy things match your crazy eyes. It’s what makes them sparkle.

But there’s something bigger at stake here.

The fact is, Michele, you’ve been ignoring me. How many times does a normal Joe like me need to tell a Member of Congress to tweet their Congress member? I thought that’s what Congress members Members of Congress were good for. I also thought we were off to a good start. I followed you, you followed me, things were looking up. But where have we followed each other to?

It’s the 11th hour now and you still haven’t thrown the Hail Mary. I’m afraid I’ve lost faith in you. I’m going to have to Twump™ you. It sounds cute, but in this day and age, being Twitter dumped is like being really dumped. Like for real for real.

I wish you the best of luck in your craziness and your gay conversions. Here’s hoping your program will work on your husband. I know there are lots of gay men out there just waiting to embrace Marcus Bachmann.

[Update – Jan. 4, 2011] See what happens when you don’t tweet your Congress member, Michele?

Application for Writer Position at the Center for Marriage Policy [Updated]

Dear Mr. Usher,

I really like what you’ve done with your article (Why Same-sex marriage is unconstitutional, 11/2011). In my mind, it’s perfect satire. I mean feminist lesbian conspiracies – where did you come up with that? It’s marvelous. And that’s not to mention the Constitutional Amendments that you threw in there (Seriously, I bet nobody checked if they were relevant).

But I must say that I feel like people still aren’t getting the point. Consider this article, in which the writer took you very seriously. It’s preposterous, I know, but there it is.

And that brings me to what I feel I can add. The Center for Marriage Policy is on the brink of being the best farce in the land – it just needs that extra push over the edge and into the abyss of reality. I am that extra push.

Allow me to demonstrate. I believe that all kids should play with legos, since legos teach them that homosexuality is wrong. Think about it. You build a lego home by placing the nub of one lego into the hole of another. You can’t build a sturdy lego home by poking two nubs together. It’s the same way with homosexuality. You can’t build a sturdy home without putting a man’s nub into a woman’s hole. That’s the way God intended it.

Or, have you ever rubbed the hole sides of two lego pieces together? That’s basically just like lesbianism. And it’s subverting America. Whenever I see my kids do that, I smack them. Also the way God intended it.

See? I just made that up right here on the spot! You see what I mean? I can be the force that ensures no one takes you seriously anymore. I mean heterosexual legos? It’s like feminist lesbian conspiracies but better. Also, since legos come in different colors, it could serve as a great example against interracial marriages if you wanted to go there.

The lego idea is a freebie – just know that there is plenty more where that came from. If you’re looking to really hit it big, get in touch. I think you and I would be great together (no homo). All I need is the opportunity to prove it to you.

Keep fighting the straight fight.


Joe McVeigh

[UPDATE – Dec. 31, 2011] Here’s what Mr. Usher had to say to my application (via email; click to embiggen):

“Sorry but I’m not impressed by critical theory ridicule methods.  It is you that is out of touch with facts and reality.

This is your last email to me.  I have a filter on you now.”

Oh no! There’s a filter on me now! Get it off, get it off! David, I was just trying to help.

Wait a minute. If I’m out of touch with facts and reality, that means David’s article was serious. But… that means he believes… but how could anyone… *head explodes*

Guess What’s Wrong with US Schools

Marion Brady (via the Washington Post) has a story about his school board member friend who “took versions of his state’s standardized math and reading test scores for 10th graders.”

Even though his friend is a success “by any reasonable measure,” he was not too pleased with his results. In the friend’s own words, he knew the answers to none of the 60 math questions. Fucking none. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero.

Brady’s story is supposed to make the reader think there is something wrong with the standardized test. Instead, by his own friend’s account, a competent reader will realize there is something wrong with his friend. He didn’t know the answers to any of the math questions? Seriously? Fucking none? What a shithead.

The idiot friend goes on the say that he got 62% of the reading questions correct and that he has “a bachelor of science degree, two masters degrees, and 15 credit hours toward a doctorate degree.” But come on, fucking anybody can go to college.

Brady and his friend’s larger message is that we should not place too much emphasis on standardized tests. I can agree with that. When I was in tenth grade, I famously* drew a psychedelic mushroom on the essay part of my state standardized test. Brady’s friend has this to say about the problem with the emphasis on these tests:

If I’d been required to take those two tests when I was a 10th grader, my life would almost certainly have been very different. I’d have been told I wasn’t ‘college material,’ would probably have believed it, and looked for work appropriate for the level of ability that the test said I had.

Judging by his own admission, one has to believe that the school board would be in better shape today if Brady’s friend had taken a standardized test in tenth grade. But I digress…

This friend has a range of questions about the test that he is in no way qualified to answer, including “Who decided the kind of questions and their level of difficulty? Using what criteria? To whom did they have to defend their decisions?” It’s a classic Rich White Man Predicament™ – (i) If he’s rich and (ii) if he can’t confidently answer a single math question on a tenth grade test, then (iii) there must be something wrong with the test.

Nice try, dipshit.

There is a problem with the education system in America. I know. I went through it. Now I live in Finland, where public education has been ranked the best in the world and the problems are obvious. But the problems can’t be boiled down to a fool and his inability to pass a test. If you really want to know what’s going on, I suggest poking around the PISA website. PISA is an international test performed by the OECD which rates students on reading, math, and science. Instead of also giving their test to incompetent adults, they make detailed and informed debates about why students from certain countries performed the way they did. It’s not perfect, but it’s a hell of a lot better than Brady’s friend. You can see a Wikipedia summary of the PISA test and results here.

Brady says his friend concluded with this choice remark: “I can’t escape the conclusion that those of us who are expected to follow through on decisions that have been made for us are doing something ethically questionable.”

I can’t escape the conclusion that Brady’s friend is blind to his own idiocy. Wait, yes I can. That kind of thing is pretty common.

Brady himself says, “He’s wrong. What they’re being made to do isn’t ethically questionable. It’s ethically unacceptable. Ethically reprehensible. Ethically indefensible.” No, dummy. If dumbass can’t take a test designed for tenth graders, then there’s something wrong with him, not the test. It’s not ethically blah blah blah whatever. It’s a fucking test that your dipshit friend couldn’t pass. Perhaps the problem with US schools lies not with the tests, but with the school board members. Hmmm?

If you don’t believe me, take some sample questions for yourself. The reading questions are here and the math questions are here.

And they’re fucking easy.

*OK, so my action wasn’t so famous. But when I showed it to the girl sitting next to me, she freaked.

HELP! My Child Regressed After Getting Vaccinated!

I don’t know where to turn, so I’m calling to the Internet. Oh, Mother Warriors, hear my plea! I’m just a loving father in need. Two months ago, my son was vaccinated for one of those diseases we’ve already eliminated in America. My first mistake, I know. I was just like another one of the sheeple, thinking the vaccine would do him good. Now I see how foolish I was because my son got vaccinated and now he’s ugly!

I may not be a doctor but I do have a computer science degree from DeVry University and after this vaccination, my son looks like Gary Busey on a three day bender. The doctors say he isn’t ugly but I KNOW MY CHILD!

I see the stories of mothers every day online. That’s why I’m calling for their help. Only they have the appropriate knowledge and qualifications. They all say their kids changed after getting the vaccine. When they post pics, I can immediately see what changed – their kids got ugly too! It’s like only one thing could have caused this. Causation = correlation!


Now, a lot of people who haven’t seen my Shrek-like son ask me how I know he’s ugly. Well, my wife is pretty. And she’s with me, so that means I’m pretty. And I feel pretty. So I know a thing or two about prettiness. Our son used to be pretty until he got that vaccine.

Now – as much as it pains me to say – he ain’t got no alibi.

He ugly.

Someone please help. Why aren’t scientists studying what causes ugliness in children? Do they really not care? Is it that warm and fuzzy in the pocket of Big Cosmo?

If ugliness hasn’t already affected you, take a look around. More and more children these days are being judged to be ugly than in the past. At the same time, there are more and more beauty products on the market and more vaccines being pushed down our throats. If you think that’s just a coincidence, then you’re blind (which is actually kind of good because it means you don’t have to look at all these hideous children walking around).


For those of you looking for more information, I have just been alerted by a reader of an article by Dr. A. E. Newman called “Why Worry About Vaccines?” It was published in the journal Medical Anatomy & Disfigurement Magazine, but was redacted after the Center for Research in Anatomy & Clinical Knowledge & Evidence Department questioned Dr. Newman’s claims. It sounds like another case of a doctor being blacklisted for having the guts to go against Big Cosmo. (Thanks, Jenny)

Dear (Language Maven/Concerned Citizen/Just Another English User)

In order to make your (job/life/peeving) easier, I, Dr. Joe McVeigh, have decided to create this simple form. Whenever you come across an example of the English language (deteriorating/going all to hell/just simply changing), just circle the appropriate word or phrase in this form, send it off to me and I will forward it to every major newspaper and dictionary in the English-speaking world.

Just the other day I noticed a couple of (teens/colleagues/talking parrots) using too many (adverbs/passives/cheifs, not enough Indians). I nearly (had a heart attack/shit a brick/stopped caring about this). These (people/Neanderthals/birds) were unaware that the sharp ears of the English language’s (arbiter/guardian/inquisition) was listening.

I just have to (speak my disapproval/lodge a formal complaint/foam at the mouth) at such (idiotic/rude/innovative) use of (the English language/my language/their language).

If such practices are allowed to continue, I fear our language may be heading down a dangerous path. Why, in no time at all we may be speaking (a different language/like primitives/English still).

I just can’t stand it anymore and I have to speak up. The correct way to do it is (blah/blah/blah). Please distribute my (opinion/judgment/ranting and raving) to the masses, so that they may (one day be/get guilt tripped into/still not care about) speaking like me, the (greatest/most pretentious/Grade A asshole) of the English language.


_______ _________

p.s. We all know the English language was perfected (when I graduated high school/when I graduated college/sometime last week).

Last Chance to Buy Advertising on Family Radio Again

This is it. Your absolute last chance, final opportunity, now-or-never moment to purchase advertising time on the only station worth listening to this weekend – Family Radio.

This time for real for real.

Why is Family Radio the only station worth listening to? Because of the Armageddon, of course. No matter if they’re going to heaven or hell, people are going to have money to burn this weekend. Why not have them spend it on that wonderful doohicky you’re hawking?

What about the last time I said “last chance?” Well, that was last time. Our Dear Leader Harold Camping praisejesusamen, made some slight miscalculations last time. Something totally happened, mind you, it just wasn’t the end of the world. It was like the beginning of the end. Or something.

But October 21 is totally the end of the end. Strike while the iron is hot, folks. These people need that thingamajig you’ve been peddling and they need it by October 21.

Just think – not only are all of your customers going to the afterlife in 6 days, but you’re going to be joining them. This is what famous marketers call a golden opportunity. If you don’t take it, someone else will.

I think we can assume that you are one of the lucky ones headed upstairs. But when you meet your maker, what are you going to tell him when he asks why you didn’t take advantage of the Rapture?


Exactly. There really is no excuse not to pilfer these souls of their savings.

Call now.

[UPDATE] The possibility to purchase advertising on Family radio has been once again extended indefinitely.