Dear National Vaccine Information Center,

I read recently that the malaria vaccine is progressing well and will be coming out soon. If we act now, we’ll be able to protest it the moment it hits the shelves. Obviously, the first order of business is to come up with a few “side effects” that it causes. I’m thinking diarrhea, gout, dyslexia, boredom, Parkinson’s and possibly homosexuality. I’m open to your suggestions, but I think beating the dead autistic horse would be counterproductive.

The next thing we need to do is figure out other ways that our kids can be protected from and cured of malaria without taking the evil vaccine. I’m offering Japanese Eyeball Poking™ because I’m sure that by the time the vaccine comes out, someone will have visited my office with malaria (although I kind of hope not). Oh well, doctors don’t need to know and we don’t need evidence for our claims. And I’m not going to Africa to treat people for malaria with Eyeball Poking. Have you seen that place? Talk about disease central.

Can you think of anything else we need? A celebrity endorsement would be nice. Jenny McCarthy is taken, obviously, but maybe there is someone with similar skills. What’s Yasmine Bleeth up to these days? Does she have kids? Can we give them malaria?

Until we figure these things out, I’ll be the face of the protest. You get everything working behind the scenes. I’ll germinate the forums, you plan the march on Washington. Together we can stop this terrible “life saving” vaccine from ever reaching Africa.

Also, someone needs to figure out if we can send live mosquitoes through the mail.


Joe McVeigh


Author: Joe McVeigh

I'm a linguist who researches email marketing. I also teach at the University of Jyväskylä in Finland. I write about language and linguistics on my blog, ...And Read All Over, and I write about language and marketing on my other blog, Email and Linguistics.

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