Dear Basic Finns Party,

I see you have recently changed the English name of you political party to The Finns. I regret to inform you that I already have a party called The Finns. Rather than go down a messy legal road (we all have names to protect, am I right?), I’m prepared to make a deal with you. I’ll give you two options: Either you can change the name of your party or we can join forces. Once you take a look at my party’s ideals, I think you’ll choose the latter option. It may seem like our parties are totally different at first, but in fact we are quite similar.

But first, the differences. Instead of hating Muslims (like your party does), my party hates Evangelical Christians. Instead of hating blacks, my party hates whites. Instead of hating homosexuals, my party hates heterosexuals. And instead of hating non-Finnish people, my party hates only Finnish people.

I know we sound like polar opposites, but hear me out. What we have in common may be enough to bring us together. For instance, we both love xenophobia. We both love sexual orientation bashing. And we both love us some racism. The underlying connections are there. We just need to come to some kind of agreement on our union.

Allow me to suggest we compromise in a few areas. For example, you give up your Muslim-hating and I’ll let you keep that cross on your flag. Furthermore, I propose that I give up my hate of straight people, while you can continue saying that gay sex doesn’t turn you on. And finally, on the race issue, let’s agree to meet in the middle and proclaim brown-skinned people as the master race (you are familiar vit zat term, yes?)

If you find this situation agreeable to you, please let me know. My lawyers, the ravenous dogs that they are, can’t wait for their day in court. They wanted to sue you right away. But I’m a rational man. I believe that if two men can talk, bigot-to-bigot, then they’re bound to reach an amicable agreement. I’m looking forward to hearing from you. Until then, hold your heads up high. The white man shall overcome!

Regards,

Joe McVeigh

[UPDATE]: Here’s the response I got from Jussi Halla-aho, who has lots of time on his hands to respond to email as he’s serving a suspension from his party for losing the interwebs. Hey, Jussi, it’s OK. Everyone has the stupid from time to time. I’ve never advocated using tanks against protesters, but that’s just me.

Dear Joseph,

It is sad there is so much hatred in you. Our party is clearly not the best option for a person who hates so much.

Yours,

Jussi Halla-aho

Nice try! You’re getting better at this “acceptable forms of social interaction” thing. But I think what you meant to say was that “it is sad there is so much hatred in you not directed at Muslims, Greeks, other people to the north, south, east, and west of the Finnish border, etc.” Or how about, “Don’t hate the player, hate the [insert ethnic minority here]”. Now that’s a campaign slogan!

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Author: Joe McVeigh

I'm a linguist who researches email marketing. I also teach at the University of Jyväskylä in Finland. I write about language and linguistics on my blog, ...And Read All Over, and I write about language and marketing on my other blog, Email and Linguistics.

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