Homeopathic Breast Milk for the Modern Organic Father

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

My wife and I had a baby five weeks ago and now the magic is over. The magic is over because I just realized a cold, hard truth. You see, we decided to breastfeed my son and ever since birth he has been literally attached to his mother. How am I supposed to be a 20th Century Fox father, when my son won’t even turn his head in my direction? What’s a guy got to do to play dad?

My options were pretty slim. Formula was out of the question because that would put us in the pocket of Big Pharma. But that left my son in the pocket of Big Momma. Or so I thought…

I knew other helpless fathers were out there yearning to reclaim their sons. But none of them were doing anything about it. It was up to me to think of a solution.

I first tried to consult our doctor, even though I thought it was a lost cause. Not once has he ever suggested I try complimentary and/or alternative medicine. Some “doctor,” huh? Well, sure enough, he proved my fears correct by telling me breast feeding was a good thing. Hmph. Like I was supposed to be happy about that.

I would have to go it alone. It was time for Dr. Joe McVeigh to step up to the plate.

After much thought and soul-searching, I hit on an idea. Why not use homeopathy to help me reclaim my son? It was out there, I know, but it was worth a shot. After all, at least homeopathy has been proven not to harm anyone (something traditional medicine can’t quite say, now can they? Hmm? I didn’t think so.).

So what I did was sit down and squeeze my nipple as hard as I could. I squeezed and squeezed and squeezed. I squeezed until I couldn’t squeeze no more. I just had to get a drop of milk out.

My theory was this: If I could get a drop of milk out, I could dilute it with water 10,000 times – as per the homeopathic woo mumbo jumbo recipe. Then I would have more than enough homeopathic breast milk to reclaim my son from Big Momma.

And guess what? Something came out! It was warm and thick and wet. Since it came out of my nipple, it was most likely milk, most likely placed there by the great Earth Spirit Banshee Life Force. It was just a drop, but a drop was enough.

I dropped that drop in the Pacific Ocean at San Francisco. Then I waited 3 months, flew over to China and started scooping up the holistic homeopathic all-natural organic man boob breast milk. This product that I have invented is both homeopathic and Asian Chinese non-Western. That’s like two meridians with one needle!

If you’re a father that feels his child is in Big Momma’s pocket, you’re in luck. I have lots and lots of bottles of Dr. Joe McVeigh’s Homeopathic Breast Milk™ and no chance that I’ll ever run out (lots of water in the Pacific Ocean, you know). For the low, low price of $29.99, one of these 12oz bottles could be yours. Your child will thank you and your wife’s breasts will thank you. What are you waiting for?

Call now.

English Words with No Equivalents

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

You’ve seen the lists of words with no English equivalents and you’ve seen really, truly the utmost very best that English has to offer, but have you ever wondered what words are particular to English? I’m talking about words that have no equivalents in other languages.

Well, friends, wonder no longer. I have compiled a list for you. Now you can marvel at the intricacies and quirks of the English language. What does it tell about English speakers and their culture that they had to invent words for these strange things? Your guess is as good as mine. On to the list!

1. a, the, in, on, for, to, from – These simple words have no equivalents in Finnish. The poor Finns are stuck putting suffixes on words. It’s a shame really. How do they manage?

2. never – Never mind prepositions and determiners, the helpless Finns are also stuck without a word for never. The closest they have is ei ikinä, which roughly translates to “not ever.”

3. yesterday, today, tomorrow – While we’re up in the Nordic countries, can you believe that Danish and Swedish have no word for yesterday, today, or tomorrow. That’s right. Instead their stuck with i går, i dag, i morgen. Time must move so slow for them!

4. please – Ever wonder why French people are so rude? It’s because it takes them three times as many words (s’il vous plaît) to say please than it does for us. Spanish speakers are in the middle with two – por favor.

5. fuhgeddaboudit – can you believe that Italian doesn’t have a word for fuhgeddaboudit? I thought it was an Italian word! I thought it was passed down through generations of guidos and paisans. Who knew? I guess it’s Jewish.

This is just a sampling of words that English has been blessed with. When faced with such intricate and novel ideas as the ones expressed by the words in this list, other languages are at a loss.

Dear Basic Finns Party,

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

I see you have recently changed the English name of you political party to The Finns. I regret to inform you that I already have a party called The Finns. Rather than go down a messy legal road (we all have names to protect, am I right?), I’m prepared to make a deal with you. I’ll give you two options: Either you can change the name of your party or we can join forces. Once you take a look at my party’s ideals, I think you’ll choose the latter option. It may seem like our parties are totally different at first, but in fact we are quite similar.

But first, the differences. Instead of hating Muslims (like your party does), my party hates Evangelical Christians. Instead of hating blacks, my party hates whites. Instead of hating homosexuals, my party hates heterosexuals. And instead of hating non-Finnish people, my party hates only Finnish people.

I know we sound like polar opposites, but hear me out. What we have in common may be enough to bring us together. For instance, we both love xenophobia. We both love sexual orientation bashing. And we both love us some racism. The underlying connections are there. We just need to come to some kind of agreement on our union.

Allow me to suggest we compromise in a few areas. For example, you give up your Muslim-hating and I’ll let you keep that cross on your flag. Furthermore, I propose that I give up my hate of straight people, while you can continue saying that gay sex doesn’t turn you on. And finally, on the race issue, let’s agree to meet in the middle and proclaim brown-skinned people as the master race (you are familiar vit zat term, yes?)

If you find this situation agreeable to you, please let me know. My lawyers, the ravenous dogs that they are, can’t wait for their day in court. They wanted to sue you right away. But I’m a rational man. I believe that if two men can talk, bigot-to-bigot, then they’re bound to reach an amicable agreement. I’m looking forward to hearing from you. Until then, hold your heads up high. The white man shall overcome!

Regards,

Joe McVeigh

[UPDATE]: Here’s the response I got from Jussi Halla-aho, who has lots of time on his hands to respond to email as he’s serving a suspension from his party for losing the interwebs. Hey, Jussi, it’s OK. Everyone has the stupid from time to time. I’ve never advocated using tanks against protesters, but that’s just me.

Dear Joseph,

It is sad there is so much hatred in you. Our party is clearly not the best option for a person who hates so much.

Yours,

Jussi Halla-aho

Nice try! You’re getting better at this “acceptable forms of social interaction” thing. But I think what you meant to say was that “it is sad there is so much hatred in you not directed at Muslims, Greeks, other people to the north, south, east, and west of the Finnish border, etc.” Or how about, “Don’t hate the player, hate the [insert ethnic minority here]”. Now that’s a campaign slogan!

How Do You Use The Twitter?

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

Just a quick update on the people following @congressmembers, the Twitter account I started so politicians would have a safe place to send pictures of their naughty bits and avoid their own personal Weinergate.. Yes, my childish mind really started a Twitter account for that (see the post on it here). But more importantly, get a load of these dopes:

1. Michele Bachmann – It looks like Minnesota’s least favorite politician is in it for the long run – in support of a safe haven for politicians to tweet pictures of their dongs and dongettes, that is. While it is probable that Ms. Bachmann does not handle her Twitter account, it appears that someone working for her either sucks at their job or has a twisted sense of humor. I’m hoping for the latter.

Still one of my favorite emails.

2. Ted Cruz – Here’s someone from Texas who’s trying to get in the Senate. Yo Ted, are you as awful at governing as you are at twittering? Or does Michele Bachmann’s best/worst employee also monitor your Twitter account?

3. LawyersforPerry – We want the Twitter! You can’t handle the Twitter!

4. ElephantAttire* – Did you ever wish your clothes could love Jesus and America and America Jesus as much as you do? Now they can! I actually think this is a great idea and wish I had thought of it. It’s like hemp clothing for everyone between Pittsburgh and Denver. You know, Real ‘Mercans™.

5. CJTaganos – Hands down the sanest one of my followers. CJTaganos uses Twitter for its true intention – professing one’s love for Vanessa Hudgens.

It’s possible that the conservatives on this list are following me because they get the joke, but does anyone really believe that?

*@AmericanJesusClothesRUs (aka ElephantAttire) is no longer following me. Even though our Twitlationship™ was short, I’ll never forget the wonderful moments we shared. They tried to hawk some GodLovesAmerica clothes on me, I told them they’re dipshits. Alas, it was not meant to be.

Taliban to Keep Don’t Ask, Don’t Be Gay Policy for Militants

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

In completely unsurprising news out of Afghanistan today, the Taliban has reiterated its Don’t Ask, Don’t Be Gay policy for it’s militants. According to the policy, letting openly gay men serve is “just not their thing.”

In a statement issued to …And Read All Over, one of the Taliban’s prominent leaders on the group’s DADG policy, Rickwar al-Santorumqi, was quoted as saying:

Yeah, I — I would say any type of sexual activity has absolutely no place in the Taliban. And the fact that they’re making a point to include it as a provision within the Taliban that we are going to recognize a group of people and give them a special privilege to — to — and removing “Don’t ask, Don’t be gay” I think tries to inject social policy into the Taliban. And the Taliban’s job is to do one thing, and that is to defend our country.
We need to give the Taliban, which is all-volunteer, the ability to do so in a way that is most efficient at protecting our men and women in uniform. And I believe this undermines that ability.

In keeping the policy, the Taliban has left intact the strong similarities it has with some American states, social groups, and political parties, where homosexuality is still very much illegal and grounds for torment and abuse. These similarities have traditionally been downplayed by both Taliban militants and American homophobes.

Blogroll Please…

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

It’s high time I started a blogroll on this page, so here goes. These are some of the sites I check on a regular basis (usually in Reader) and enjoy. This list is in no particular order, so please have a look through the whole thing. There might be something that interests you. And from now on, there will be a blogroll on the right side of this site.

Sentence First – This is a great site by Stan Carey, who also contributes to the Macmillan Dictionary Blog and the Visual Thesaurus. The post are 99% language related and 100% interesting. Check it out. [Bonus: Stan currently has a limerick contest going on. Get in while there’s still time!]

Abstract Sunday – This is a not-updated-often-enough comic at the New York Times by artist by Christopher Niemann. But it’s awesome.

Bangable Dudes in History – in one word: awesome

Better Book Titles – This is comedian Dan Wilbur’s blog that promises to “cut through all the cryptic crap, and give you the meat of the story in one condensed image.” As he says, “Now you can read the greatest literary works of all time in mere seconds!” Bonus: 5 posts a week!

Macmillan Dictionary Blog – Frequent updates on the English language by several contributors. The topics are interesting, as are the comments. I highly recommend this one. [Full disclosure: Back in May, I won a Macmillan Dictionary in one of their contests. But isn’t this just another reason to check them out? You too could be one of the lucky contestants on The Price is Free if You Win it!]

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster – Does this one need an introduction? If you haven’t heard of it, peep this.

FactCheck.org – If you’re going to vote in America, do us all a favor and check this site out.

Johnson – From the Economist and one of my favorite language blogs. As they say, “In this blog, named after the dictionary-maker Samuel Johnson, our correspondents write about the effects that the use (and sometimes abuse) of language have on politics, society and culture around the world.”

The Pervocracy – Insightful and witty blog posts about sex, feminism, and identity. This site rules, especially because the Cosmocking articles are so awesome.

Kim Jong-il Looking at Things – Pretty self-explanatory – the Dear Leader likes to look at things.

Language Log – Keeping you up to date with linguistic happenings around the world and in real time (so you don’t have to wait years for those juicy linguistic studies to come out).

mental_floss Blog – The blog from the magazine mental_floss. Topics are across the board but always interesting. Bonus: quizzes and mind games!

Shott’s Vocab – (sniff)

The Salty Droid – Making sure that scammers are exposed for the vile, wastes of space, criminals they are. The lingo can be overwhelming at first, but once you get through, you can really see (and appreciate) how much work this guy puts into each post and how important what he’s doing is.

COCKTALES, by the Thirsty Blogger – Drinking tales, with the occasional badass revolutionary tale thrown in. Homeboy knows how to party – and stick it to the Man.

Dangerous Minds – Music, art, and conservative smack downs. And you thought liberals couldn’t get irate.

Dialect Blog – Another one that needs no explanation.

Smithsonian Magazine Blogs – The Smithsonian has a couple of different blogs worth following (one of which is in the blogroll on the right). Go here for their full list of their feeds.

Babel’s Dawn – a “blog about the origins of speech by Edmund Blair Bolles.”

Love the Liberry – True tales from inside the liberry. The bat shit crazy nature of the questions that these liberrians deal with is astounding. And hilarious.

Oxford Dictionaries Online Blog – This blog was only recently made followable, so I haven’t read it too much. But they also have a word of the day, quote of the day, and writing tip of the week that I can vouch for. Go here to subscribe to those.

Kurt Vonnegut Twofer – Hocus Pocus and Look at the Birdie

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

I’m going to assume that you, dear reader, have not read any Vonnegut. Because if you have, all I need to say about these two books is that if you enjoyed the other Vonnegut works you read, you’ll enjoy these too.

Maybe that’s not quite right. Maybe you need to have enjoyed a certain aspect of Vonnegut’s writing style.

Sometimes Vonnegut will start the story by telling how it ends. Sometimes he will tell the reader exactly which character is going to die and when. His characters are never perfect – more often than not they are miserable and despicable. Vonnegut lays their hopes, dreams, and sins on the table. A Kurt Vonnegut main character is a shining light set on dim. I sometimes forget how refreshing it is to read Kurt Vonnegut.

There is an honesty and frankness in Vonnegut’s storytelling that is irresistible. To enjoy a Vonnegut book is to appreciate the imperfection of life – and to get on living it.

If you have read Vonnegut, you’ll know what I’m talking about. If you liked his dark wit, the clever ways he implies “Hey, life sucks, but it could be worse” on every page, than you will enjoy Hocus Pocus.

Hocus Pocus is about a Vietnam Veteran that has gone to teach at a liberal college for the idiot children of rich people. He is writing the story from a prison tower because he has been charged with helping the prisoners from across the lake escape and reek havoc on the town. As usual, the book is both a great story and a biting satirical comment on the world we live in. And Vonnegut is on point with this one.

For those that have not read Vonnegut, don’t look for a protagonist to root for or a tale of triumphs and tribulations. If you’re reading Vonnegut for the first time, be prepared to question your beliefs. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train.

***

Look at the Birdie is a collection of short stories. The stories are excellent, but like the last book of Vonnegut’s short stories I read (Armageddon in Retrospect – review forthcoming, I promise), I was left wanting more. As I said, the stories are excellent, but I wouldn’t take Look at the Birdie over Hocus Pocus. It’s probably not fair to compare a collection of short stories to a novel, but this is a two-for review, so I have to do a bit of comparison.

Basically, if you haven’t read any Vonnegut and had to choose one over the other, ask yourself which you would rather – easing your way into Vonnegut (Look at the Birdie) or jumping in with both feet (Hocus Pocus). But don’t think about that for too long. I can pretty much guarantee that you will enjoy both.

Up next: Our Magnificent Bastard Tongue by John McWhorter

McVeigh’s Law of Conspiracies

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

McVeigh’s Law of Conspiracies states that as people and enterprises are added to a conspiracy theory, the probability of that theory’s truth approaches zero.

Another way of saying this is that the plausibility of every conspiracy theory is equal to a ratio of the size and scope of the characteristics of the people and enterprises involved in the conspiracy theory, including the telling of the conspiracy theory itself. The equation looks like this:

Where:
I1 = Instances that The X-Files is referenced in the conversation about the conspiracy theory
T1 = Total number of times you have heard or read about the conspiracy theory in question
S1 = Stains on the shirt of the person telling you the conspiracy theory
B = Number of conspirators (so named after the most famous conspirator, Brutus)
U = URLs devoted directly to the conspiracy theory in question (but not derivations thereof)
L1= Number of declarations in the conspiracy theory that would be lies if the theory is false
L2 = Losers that already believe the conspiracy theory and are all too ready to say “I told you so.”
S2 = Total number of sentences needed to tell the conspiracy
H = Number of man hours needed to successfully complete the conspiracy
I2 = Probable number of times the losers from L2 will actually say “I told you so.”
T2 = Total number of degrees the main conspirator is related to Kevin Bacon

McVeigh’s Law of Conspiracies is the most reliable way of telling if a conspiracy is truthful and worth thinking about. It is used by both conspiracy proponents and detractors alike, whenever it suits their argument, which it always does.

The Best CAM Vaccine Ever. Period.

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

I’ve been thinking a lot about this anti-vaccine campaign that I signed on to. What I think we need are not just complimentary but alternative medicines to help us battle those pesky little germs. As a legitimate doctor, I feel especially qualified to aid the public in this matter.

The more I thought about this conundrum, though, the more I realized that the other “doctors” were actually on to something good. Taking fish oil for the measles, Echinaceabopshebop for the mumps, and Japanese Eyeball Poking for everything else is all fine and good (and I can’t recommend these wonderful products more – Hi, Senator Hatch!), but what we need is what the doctors have tried to accomplish with the MMR vaccine. We need something that can conquer all diseases once and for all so we can get on with our lives.

Friends, I think I’ve found it.

I’m calling it Swimming with Sharks™ because that’s just what it is. We all know that sharks are immune to all diseases just as we all know that humans and animals are able to manipulate the cosmic energy fields in order to heal themselves. I’m just putting two and two together here to make the ultimate CAM vaccine. By using the natural karmic spiritual motion generator fields, I am able to transfer the shark’s immunity to the patient. All they have to do is get in the water and swim with my sharks.

Now, I know the idea of Swimming with Sharks™ sounds crazy, but so does sticking needles in your body to relieve pain. But acupuncture works, amiright? It just stands to reason that Swimming with Sharks™ would also work. In fact, I have pretty much already proven that it works. I tried the method on both of my sons and guess what? The one that survived has yet to develop whooping cough, polio, or rubella. Now how’s that for proof? He even said he can feel the healing powers he gained from Swimming with Sharks™. Who needs scientific studies? Booooring.

Just think – that could be your son or daughter with that shark, getting all immunized.

The added bonus of Swimming with Sharks™ – which I will throw in for no extra cost – is that it works best for babies since not only will they obtain the sharks’ immunity, but they will also learn how to swim (away) from the sharks. When the sharks see the infant floundering in the water, they will instantly take the child under their fins and rescue it – just as any animal would do because animals are more in tune with the cosmic nature of natural beings. And if they don’t, you’re going to end up with a mini Michael Phelps that is immune to every disease known to man and shark. Bonus!

If you’re still in doubt, let me ask you this – what else are you going to do? Get real vaccines? Come on. Get real.

Call now.

Dear Pedigree,

Joe McVeigh1 Comment

I know you are concerned about making pet food with all natural ingredients – meats, cheeses, etc. – and I know that your customers appreciate your devotion. But as the owner of three goats, I have to tell you that I feel left out. The options that me and my fellow goaters are faced with are grim to gruff. All of the goat feed on the market right now is made up of wheat and grains – not exactly a goat’s idea of steak and lobster.

I’m writing to tell you that I happened upon a solution to this problem and I think you will be very interested in it. One day when I went outside to feed my goats (with the normal, boring goat feed), I caught them rummaging through my garbage. Instead of just looking for a tasty morsel, my goats were eating everything in the garbage can! I was amazed. So I started to experiment. First I gave them old newspapers. They ate ’em up. Then I gave them empty bottles. Gulp. Then I gave them coffee grinds. Down the hatch!

The implication was obvious. My goats would eat anything. Hackey sacks, empty deodorant canisters, rubber gloves, VCRs, light bulbs – you name it and they ate it. So I figured, why don’t we go into business together? I’ll send you my trash (my goats don’t have big enough bellies to eat all of it), you put your logo on them, and ship ’em out. It’s a win-win.

Now, even though I don’t recycle (who would when you own goats?), I already know that I won’t be able to supply the demand. So you’ll have to find another way to get trash. May I suggest having your employees bring theirs in? Well, that’s for your R&D people to figure out. I’m just a simple goat farmer with a great idea.

I look forward to hearing from you. Please reply soon though as I’ve already started piling up my trash out back. If I don’t hear from you in a couple of weeks, I think I’ll be forced to call Iams. No disrespect, you know, I just got to get rid of this trash. And I don’t want to deprive America’s goats of some good eatin’.

Sincerely,

Joe McVeigh