Dear Pedigree,

I know you are concerned about making pet food with all natural ingredients – meats, cheeses, etc. – and I know that your customers appreciate your devotion. But as the owner of three goats, I have to tell you that I feel left out. The options that me and my fellow goaters are faced with are grim to gruff. All of the goat feed on the market right now is made up of wheat and grains – not exactly a goat’s idea of steak and lobster.

I’m writing to tell you that I happened upon a solution to this problem and I think you will be very interested in it. One day when I went outside to feed my goats (with the normal, boring goat feed), I caught them rummaging through my garbage. Instead of just looking for a tasty morsel, my goats were eating everything in the garbage can! I was amazed. So I started to experiment. First I gave them old newspapers. They ate ’em up. Then I gave them empty bottles. Gulp. Then I gave them coffee grinds. Down the hatch!

The implication was obvious. My goats would eat anything. Hackey sacks, empty deodorant canisters, rubber gloves, VCRs, light bulbs – you name it and they ate it. So I figured, why don’t we go into business together? I’ll send you my trash (my goats don’t have big enough bellies to eat all of it), you put your logo on them, and ship ’em out. It’s a win-win.

Now, even though I don’t recycle (who would when you own goats?), I already know that I won’t be able to supply the demand. So you’ll have to find another way to get trash. May I suggest having your employees bring theirs in? Well, that’s for your R&D people to figure out. I’m just a simple goat farmer with a great idea.

I look forward to hearing from you. Please reply soon though as I’ve already started piling up my trash out back. If I don’t hear from you in a couple of weeks, I think I’ll be forced to call Iams. No disrespect, you know, I just got to get rid of this trash. And I don’t want to deprive America’s goats of some good eatin’.


Joe McVeigh


Author: Joe McVeigh

I'm a linguist who researches email marketing. I also teach at the University of Jyväskylä in Finland. I write about language and linguistics on my blog, ...And Read All Over, and I write about language and marketing on my other blog, Email and Linguistics.

One thought on “Dear Pedigree,”

  1. And the response I got? "Dear Mr. McVeigh:Thank you for taking the time to contact Mars Petcare US.We will pass your comments to our marketing team."Well played, Pedigree. Well played.

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