Dear (Language Maven/Concerned Citizen/Just Another English User)

In order to make your (job/life/peeving) easier, I, Dr. Joe McVeigh, have decided to create this simple form. Whenever you come across an example of the English language (deteriorating/going all to hell/just simply changing), just circle the appropriate word or phrase in this form, send it off to me and I will forward it to every major newspaper and dictionary in the English-speaking world.

Just the other day I noticed a couple of (teens/colleagues/talking parrots) using too many (adverbs/passives/cheifs, not enough Indians). I nearly (had a heart attack/shit a brick/stopped caring about this). These (people/Neanderthals/birds) were unaware that the sharp ears of the English language’s (arbiter/guardian/inquisition) was listening.

I just have to (speak my disapproval/lodge a formal complaint/foam at the mouth) at such (idiotic/rude/innovative) use of (the English language/my language/their language).

If such practices are allowed to continue, I fear our language may be heading down a dangerous path. Why, in no time at all we may be speaking (a different language/like primitives/English still).

I just can’t stand it anymore and I have to speak up. The correct way to do it is (blah/blah/blah). Please distribute my (opinion/judgment/ranting and raving) to the masses, so that they may (one day be/get guilt tripped into/still not care about) speaking like me, the (greatest/most pretentious/Grade A asshole) of the English language.

Sincerely,

_______ _________

p.s. We all know the English language was perfected (when I graduated high school/when I graduated college/sometime last week).

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Author: Joe McVeigh

I'm a linguist who researches email marketing. I also teach at the University of Jyväskylä in Finland. I write about language and linguistics on my blog, ...And Read All Over, and I write about language and marketing on my other blog, Email and Linguistics.

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