HELP! My Child Regressed After Getting Vaccinated!

I don’t know where to turn, so I’m calling to the Internet. Oh, Mother Warriors, hear my plea! I’m just a loving father in need. Two months ago, my son was vaccinated for one of those diseases we’ve already eliminated in America. My first mistake, I know. I was just like another one of the sheeple, thinking the vaccine would do him good. Now I see how foolish I was because my son got vaccinated and now he’s ugly!

I may not be a doctor but I do have a computer science degree from DeVry University and after this vaccination, my son looks like Gary Busey on a three day bender. The doctors say he isn’t ugly but I KNOW MY CHILD!

I see the stories of mothers every day online. That’s why I’m calling for their help. Only they have the appropriate knowledge and qualifications. They all say their kids changed after getting the vaccine. When they post pics, I can immediately see what changed – their kids got ugly too! It’s like only one thing could have caused this. Causation = correlation!


Now, a lot of people who haven’t seen my Shrek-like son ask me how I know he’s ugly. Well, my wife is pretty. And she’s with me, so that means I’m pretty. And I feel pretty. So I know a thing or two about prettiness. Our son used to be pretty until he got that vaccine.

Now – as much as it pains me to say – he ain’t got no alibi.

He ugly.

Someone please help. Why aren’t scientists studying what causes ugliness in children? Do they really not care? Is it that warm and fuzzy in the pocket of Big Cosmo?

If ugliness hasn’t already affected you, take a look around. More and more children these days are being judged to be ugly than in the past. At the same time, there are more and more beauty products on the market and more vaccines being pushed down our throats. If you think that’s just a coincidence, then you’re blind (which is actually kind of good because it means you don’t have to look at all these hideous children walking around).


For those of you looking for more information, I have just been alerted by a reader of an article by Dr. A. E. Newman called “Why Worry About Vaccines?” It was published in the journal Medical Anatomy & Disfigurement Magazine, but was redacted after the Center for Research in Anatomy & Clinical Knowledge & Evidence Department questioned Dr. Newman’s claims. It sounds like another case of a doctor being blacklisted for having the guts to go against Big Cosmo. (Thanks, Jenny)


Author: Joe McVeigh

I'm a linguist who researches email marketing. I also teach at the University of Jyväskylä in Finland. I write about language and linguistics on my blog, ...And Read All Over, and I write about language and marketing on my other blog, Email and Linguistics.

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