HELP! My Child Regressed After Getting Vaccinated!

I don’t know where to turn, so I’m calling to the Internet. Oh, Mother Warriors, hear my plea! I’m just a loving father in need. Two months ago, my son was vaccinated for one of those diseases we’ve already eliminated in America. My first mistake, I know. I was just like another one of the sheeple, thinking the vaccine would do him good. Now I see how foolish I was because my son got vaccinated and now he’s ugly!

I may not be a doctor but I do have a computer science degree from DeVry University and after this vaccination, my son looks like Gary Busey on a three day bender. The doctors say he isn’t ugly but I KNOW MY CHILD!

I see the stories of mothers every day online. That’s why I’m calling for their help. Only they have the appropriate knowledge and qualifications. They all say their kids changed after getting the vaccine. When they post pics, I can immediately see what changed – their kids got ugly too! It’s like only one thing could have caused this. Causation = correlation!

!!!

Now, a lot of people who haven’t seen my Shrek-like son ask me how I know he’s ugly. Well, my wife is pretty. And she’s with me, so that means I’m pretty. And I feel pretty. So I know a thing or two about prettiness. Our son used to be pretty until he got that vaccine.

Now – as much as it pains me to say – he ain’t got no alibi.

He ugly.

Someone please help. Why aren’t scientists studying what causes ugliness in children? Do they really not care? Is it that warm and fuzzy in the pocket of Big Cosmo?

If ugliness hasn’t already affected you, take a look around. More and more children these days are being judged to be ugly than in the past. At the same time, there are more and more beauty products on the market and more vaccines being pushed down our throats. If you think that’s just a coincidence, then you’re blind (which is actually kind of good because it means you don’t have to look at all these hideous children walking around).

UPDATE:

For those of you looking for more information, I have just been alerted by a reader of an article by Dr. A. E. Newman called “Why Worry About Vaccines?” It was published in the journal Medical Anatomy & Disfigurement Magazine, but was redacted after the Center for Research in Anatomy & Clinical Knowledge & Evidence Department questioned Dr. Newman’s claims. It sounds like another case of a doctor being blacklisted for having the guts to go against Big Cosmo. (Thanks, Jenny)

Dear (Language Maven/Concerned Citizen/Just Another English User)

In order to make your (job/life/peeving) easier, I, Dr. Joe McVeigh, have decided to create this simple form. Whenever you come across an example of the English language (deteriorating/going all to hell/just simply changing), just circle the appropriate word or phrase in this form, send it off to me and I will forward it to every major newspaper and dictionary in the English-speaking world.

Just the other day I noticed a couple of (teens/colleagues/talking parrots) using too many (adverbs/passives/cheifs, not enough Indians). I nearly (had a heart attack/shit a brick/stopped caring about this). These (people/Neanderthals/birds) were unaware that the sharp ears of the English language’s (arbiter/guardian/inquisition) was listening.

I just have to (speak my disapproval/lodge a formal complaint/foam at the mouth) at such (idiotic/rude/innovative) use of (the English language/my language/their language).

If such practices are allowed to continue, I fear our language may be heading down a dangerous path. Why, in no time at all we may be speaking (a different language/like primitives/English still).

I just can’t stand it anymore and I have to speak up. The correct way to do it is (blah/blah/blah). Please distribute my (opinion/judgment/ranting and raving) to the masses, so that they may (one day be/get guilt tripped into/still not care about) speaking like me, the (greatest/most pretentious/Grade A asshole) of the English language.

Sincerely,

_______ _________

p.s. We all know the English language was perfected (when I graduated high school/when I graduated college/sometime last week).

Last Chance to Buy Advertising on Family Radio Again

This is it. Your absolute last chance, final opportunity, now-or-never moment to purchase advertising time on the only station worth listening to this weekend – Family Radio.

This time for real for real.

Why is Family Radio the only station worth listening to? Because of the Armageddon, of course. No matter if they’re going to heaven or hell, people are going to have money to burn this weekend. Why not have them spend it on that wonderful doohicky you’re hawking?

What about the last time I said “last chance?” Well, that was last time. Our Dear Leader Harold Camping praisejesusamen, made some slight miscalculations last time. Something totally happened, mind you, it just wasn’t the end of the world. It was like the beginning of the end. Or something.

But October 21 is totally the end of the end. Strike while the iron is hot, folks. These people need that thingamajig you’ve been peddling and they need it by October 21.

Just think – not only are all of your customers going to the afterlife in 6 days, but you’re going to be joining them. This is what famous marketers call a golden opportunity. If you don’t take it, someone else will.

I think we can assume that you are one of the lucky ones headed upstairs. But when you meet your maker, what are you going to tell him when he asks why you didn’t take advantage of the Rapture?

Well?

Exactly. There really is no excuse not to pilfer these souls of their savings.

Call now.

[UPDATE] The possibility to purchase advertising on Family radio has been once again extended indefinitely.

Homeopathic Breast Milk for the Modern Organic Father

My wife and I had a baby five weeks ago and now the magic is over. The magic is over because I just realized a cold, hard truth. You see, we decided to breastfeed my son and ever since birth he has been literally attached to his mother. How am I supposed to be a 20th Century Fox father, when my son won’t even turn his head in my direction? What’s a guy got to do to play dad?

My options were pretty slim. Formula was out of the question because that would put us in the pocket of Big Pharma. But that left my son in the pocket of Big Momma. Or so I thought…

I knew other helpless fathers were out there yearning to reclaim their sons. But none of them were doing anything about it. It was up to me to think of a solution.

I first tried to consult our doctor, even though I thought it was a lost cause. Not once has he ever suggested I try complimentary and/or alternative medicine. Some “doctor,” huh? Well, sure enough, he proved my fears correct by telling me breast feeding was a good thing. Hmph. Like I was supposed to be happy about that.

I would have to go it alone. It was time for Dr. Joe McVeigh to step up to the plate.

After much thought and soul-searching, I hit on an idea. Why not use homeopathy to help me reclaim my son? It was out there, I know, but it was worth a shot. After all, at least homeopathy has been proven not to harm anyone (something traditional medicine can’t quite say, now can they? Hmm? I didn’t think so.).

So what I did was sit down and squeeze my nipple as hard as I could. I squeezed and squeezed and squeezed. I squeezed until I couldn’t squeeze no more. I just had to get a drop of milk out.

My theory was this: If I could get a drop of milk out, I could dilute it with water 10,000 times – as per the homeopathic woo mumbo jumbo recipe. Then I would have more than enough homeopathic breast milk to reclaim my son from Big Momma.

And guess what? Something came out! It was warm and thick and wet. Since it came out of my nipple, it was most likely milk, most likely placed there by the great Earth Spirit Banshee Life Force. It was just a drop, but a drop was enough.

I dropped that drop in the Pacific Ocean at San Francisco. Then I waited 3 months, flew over to China and started scooping up the holistic homeopathic all-natural organic man boob breast milk. This product that I have invented is both homeopathic and Asian Chinese non-Western. That’s like two meridians with one needle!

If you’re a father that feels his child is in Big Momma’s pocket, you’re in luck. I have lots and lots of bottles of Dr. Joe McVeigh’s Homeopathic Breast Milk™ and no chance that I’ll ever run out (lots of water in the Pacific Ocean, you know). For the low, low price of $29.99, one of these 12oz bottles could be yours. Your child will thank you and your wife’s breasts will thank you. What are you waiting for?

Call now.

English Words with No Equivalents

You’ve seen the lists of words with no English equivalents and you’ve seen really, truly the utmost very best that English has to offer, but have you ever wondered what words are particular to English? I’m talking about words that have no equivalents in other languages.

Well, friends, wonder no longer. I have compiled a list for you. Now you can marvel at the intricacies and quirks of the English language. What does it tell about English speakers and their culture that they had to invent words for these strange things? Your guess is as good as mine. On to the list!

1. a, the, in, on, for, to, from – These simple words have no equivalents in Finnish. The poor Finns are stuck putting suffixes on words. It’s a shame really. How do they manage?

2. never – Never mind prepositions and determiners, the helpless Finns are also stuck without a word for never. The closest they have is ei ikinä, which roughly translates to “not ever.”

3. yesterday, today, tomorrow – While we’re up in the Nordic countries, can you believe that Danish and Swedish have no word for yesterday, today, or tomorrow. That’s right. Instead their stuck with i går, i dag, i morgen. Time must move so slow for them!

4. please – Ever wonder why French people are so rude? It’s because it takes them three times as many words (s’il vous plaît) to say please than it does for us. Spanish speakers are in the middle with two – por favor.

5. fuhgeddaboudit – can you believe that Italian doesn’t have a word for fuhgeddaboudit? I thought it was an Italian word! I thought it was passed down through generations of guidos and paisans. Who knew? I guess it’s Jewish.

This is just a sampling of words that English has been blessed with. When faced with such intricate and novel ideas as the ones expressed by the words in this list, other languages are at a loss.

Dear Basic Finns Party,

I see you have recently changed the English name of you political party to The Finns. I regret to inform you that I already have a party called The Finns. Rather than go down a messy legal road (we all have names to protect, am I right?), I’m prepared to make a deal with you. I’ll give you two options: Either you can change the name of your party or we can join forces. Once you take a look at my party’s ideals, I think you’ll choose the latter option. It may seem like our parties are totally different at first, but in fact we are quite similar.

But first, the differences. Instead of hating Muslims (like your party does), my party hates Evangelical Christians. Instead of hating blacks, my party hates whites. Instead of hating homosexuals, my party hates heterosexuals. And instead of hating non-Finnish people, my party hates only Finnish people.

I know we sound like polar opposites, but hear me out. What we have in common may be enough to bring us together. For instance, we both love xenophobia. We both love sexual orientation bashing. And we both love us some racism. The underlying connections are there. We just need to come to some kind of agreement on our union.

Allow me to suggest we compromise in a few areas. For example, you give up your Muslim-hating and I’ll let you keep that cross on your flag. Furthermore, I propose that I give up my hate of straight people, while you can continue saying that gay sex doesn’t turn you on. And finally, on the race issue, let’s agree to meet in the middle and proclaim brown-skinned people as the master race (you are familiar vit zat term, yes?)

If you find this situation agreeable to you, please let me know. My lawyers, the ravenous dogs that they are, can’t wait for their day in court. They wanted to sue you right away. But I’m a rational man. I believe that if two men can talk, bigot-to-bigot, then they’re bound to reach an amicable agreement. I’m looking forward to hearing from you. Until then, hold your heads up high. The white man shall overcome!

Regards,

Joe McVeigh

[UPDATE]: Here’s the response I got from Jussi Halla-aho, who has lots of time on his hands to respond to email as he’s serving a suspension from his party for losing the interwebs. Hey, Jussi, it’s OK. Everyone has the stupid from time to time. I’ve never advocated using tanks against protesters, but that’s just me.

Dear Joseph,

It is sad there is so much hatred in you. Our party is clearly not the best option for a person who hates so much.

Yours,

Jussi Halla-aho

Nice try! You’re getting better at this “acceptable forms of social interaction” thing. But I think what you meant to say was that “it is sad there is so much hatred in you not directed at Muslims, Greeks, other people to the north, south, east, and west of the Finnish border, etc.” Or how about, “Don’t hate the player, hate the [insert ethnic minority here]”. Now that’s a campaign slogan!

How Do You Use The Twitter?

Just a quick update on the people following @congressmembers, the Twitter account I started so politicians would have a safe place to send pictures of their naughty bits and avoid their own personal Weinergate.. Yes, my childish mind really started a Twitter account for that (see the post on it here). But more importantly, get a load of these dopes:

1. Michele Bachmann – It looks like Minnesota’s least favorite politician is in it for the long run – in support of a safe haven for politicians to tweet pictures of their dongs and dongettes, that is. While it is probable that Ms. Bachmann does not handle her Twitter account, it appears that someone working for her either sucks at their job or has a twisted sense of humor. I’m hoping for the latter.

Still one of my favorite emails.

2. Ted Cruz – Here’s someone from Texas who’s trying to get in the Senate. Yo Ted, are you as awful at governing as you are at twittering? Or does Michele Bachmann’s best/worst employee also monitor your Twitter account?

3. LawyersforPerry – We want the Twitter! You can’t handle the Twitter!

4. ElephantAttire* – Did you ever wish your clothes could love Jesus and America and America Jesus as much as you do? Now they can! I actually think this is a great idea and wish I had thought of it. It’s like hemp clothing for everyone between Pittsburgh and Denver. You know, Real ‘Mercans™.

5. CJTaganos – Hands down the sanest one of my followers. CJTaganos uses Twitter for its true intention – professing one’s love for Vanessa Hudgens.

It’s possible that the conservatives on this list are following me because they get the joke, but does anyone really believe that?

*@AmericanJesusClothesRUs (aka ElephantAttire) is no longer following me. Even though our Twitlationship™ was short, I’ll never forget the wonderful moments we shared. They tried to hawk some GodLovesAmerica clothes on me, I told them they’re dipshits. Alas, it was not meant to be.