Introducing Homeopathic Soap

I, Dr. Joe McVeigh, creator of Anger Yoga, innovator of the Facebook Uphoria Creator & Dignity Umptulator (FUCKU), and the only certified and reliable Japanese Eyeball Poker in the West, have done it again! I have invented the newest and greatest way to practice homeopathy everyday – even when you’re not sick! That’s right, now there’s a way to be homeopathic 24/7.

It’s called Homeopathic Soap™ and it works just like regular soap, only better. It’s sure to clean and cure you of all the natural dirt and grime that builds up on your skin over time.

Why did I create Homeopathic Soap™?

I drew inspiration from the great Mother Earth Spirit Banshee, like all of us do. My inner life instincts spoke to me from the ages, as they speak to all of us, some stronger than others. Also, I was looking for a way to relieve fools of their money people of their dirt.

How did I create Homeopathic Soap™?

I took one germ and placed it on one speck of dirt. I placed that combination in the Caspian Sea, the largest freshwater lake in the world. I used the Caspian Sea because it’s in the East and therefore more beneficial to homeopathic remedies than any Western body of water. After four moons, when my dirt and germ combination was sufficiently diluted enough, I went and drew from the water. I let the homeopathic life-infused water sit until it became soap. Like cures like, as we all know, so my Homeopathic Soap™ is sure to cure you of germs, dirt, and Caspians.

Pictured: White Homeopathic Soap™ bar on a black background.

Who can use Homeopathic Soap™?

It’s homeopathic, people! Anyone and their pets can use it. I’m talking babies, baseball players, bald men, bald women, your aunt, your uncle, that weird cousin – anybody!.

What are the drawbacks to using Homeopathic Soap™ instead of Big Pharma soap?

The only drawback that I have found is that Homeopathic Soap™ requires slightly more belief from users in its efficacy compared to Big Pharma soap. But this isn’t a drawback when you consider how the use of Big Pharma soap is cold and calculating, while using Homeopathic Soap™ is warm and loving and caring, like a big imaginary shower with Mother Earth. In fact, users of Homeopathic Soap™ who also believed in homeopathy reported feeling cleaner than users who did not believe in homeopathy. And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

How much does Homeopathic Soap™ cost?

Unfortunately, I am no longer accepting homeopathic payments as this was a disastrous way to run a business (who knew diluted money wouldn’t be as good as real money?). In order to still be reasonable, however, I have set the prices at one Homeopathic Soap™ bar for $24.99 or three for $99.99! Hurry while supplies last.

Call now.

UPDATE: Due to the extremely high interest I have received in Homeopathic Soap™ from idiots true believers, I have founded a organization called the Society of Complementary and Alternative Bathers (SCAB). It’s a place for like-minded people to gather and talk about their homeopathic alternatives to Big Pharma soap. We meet every Tuesday night at 7 pm in the auditorium of Bill Smith High School. Coffee and donuts are served.

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Author: Joe McVeigh

I'm a linguist who researches email marketing. I also teach at the University of Jyväskylä in Finland. I write about language and linguistics on my blog, ...And Read All Over, and I write about language and marketing on my other blog, Email and Linguistics.

3 thoughts on “Introducing Homeopathic Soap”

  1. Thanks, Alice. Glad you enjoyed my sales pitch. Zeno, in the spirit of Christmas, I offer my homemade Eggnog to the foaming homeopaths (as soon as they rinse off, of course). It's made with real, homeopathic alcohol. It's a bit watery, but it really hits the imagined spot.

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