How to Win Any Argument

Are you having trouble winning arguments? Are people constantly telling you that you don’t have any “facts” or “research” to back up your claims? What are “facts” and “research” anyways?

Well suffer no longer, my fellow uninformed individual. I have developed a foolproof way for you to win any argument, no matter what the subject or how little you know about it. Follow these simple steps and you’ll leave your opponent with their head shaking.

The main idea is very simple. All you have to do in any argument, no matter what gambit is thrown your way, is just deny, deny, deny. Many of you do this already, but there are ways to make your denial even stronger, compounding it until you’re be able to deny the denial that you’re denying – the ultimate goal in my Denial Spiral Plan.

So you’ve got the denying down, right? You’ve been doing it since you could talk, but where can you go from there? There are lots of smart people out there who know lots more about things than you do, aren’t there? How are you supposed to beat them in an argument when they know all kinds of big words and technical terms? Worry not, my dear fucktards. All you have to do is deny them in a certain way.

Since you’re gullible and dumb, I want you to go ahead and convince yourself that there are only three types of people that don’t agree with you. There, that feels better, don’t it? Now, let me tell you how to beat them (remember: deny).

Situation #1 – You vs. Captain Obvious

Let’s say a superhero tells you that his eyes are blue. You look at his eyes, and they are clearly blue. How are you to deny this? Easy. Just tell him that they are only blue to people who aren’t colorblind. And that to colorblind people, his eyes are actually shades of gray. Boom! Denied. Whaddya think about that, Mr. Fancypants Superhero? It seems you weren’t giving us all the facts when you said your eyes are blue, were you? No. No, you were not.

Situation #2 – You vs. The Fact Checker

So some doctor has just called into question your claim that people can leap tall buildings in a single bound. You show Dr. Knowitall the facts, but he says comics from the 1930s were notoriously profit driven and prone to exaggeration to sell more issues. It would seem that your argument is at a standstill. But wait! What’s that? Look, up in your head, it’s a revelation, it’s common sense. No, it’s denial! All you have to do is tell this doctor chump that your child has shown you the truth, that looking at your child’s belief is all the “facts” you need. Then overtly imply that being a doctor and all probably means he’s in the pocket of Big Pharma. Boom! Denied.

Situation #3 – You vs. The Researcher

Picture this: You’re at a party telling someone how Japanese Eyeball Poking completely cured your fear of heights when you overhear one of them university researchers say that studies show you can’t polish a turd. You swoop in to put the smack down, but this pencilhead’s not having it. Apparently believing that your shit don’t stink isn’t enough for him. What are you to do? This man won’t listen to reason. He’d rather believe research about what other people’s doo doo don’t do instead of what your doo doo does do. Well, there’s an easy way out of this log jam. Guess what it is? Tell this turd burglar to piss off. Denied!

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Author: Joe McVeigh

I'm a linguist who researches email marketing. I also teach at the University of Jyväskylä in Finland. I write about language and linguistics on my blog, ...And Read All Over, and I write about language and marketing on my other blog, Email and Linguistics.

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