Category: Articles

Removing the Middleman from the Gay Marriage Debate

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

I’m hearing a lot about gay marriage. There are debates going on throughout the nation. From stately Minnesota to free-wheelin’ California to… Iowa? Seriously? OK.

Anyways, everyone seems to be worried about whether or not the gays will be allowed to marry. But I think everyone is missing a very big point here. This debate isn’t about whether marriage is defined as being solely between a man and a woman (and according to one faaaaaabulous source, it isn’t). The gay marriage debate is really about whether or not marriage is defined as being solely between one penis and one vagina.

People always want to throw around words like “man” and “woman,” but when you get right down to it, these are just the middlemen and women in this debate. I say we cut them out and put all our cards on the table. Are we able to agree that marriage can be between not only a penis and a vagina, but also between one penis and another penis, or even one vagina and another vagina? Because that is the real question.

I’ve even thought of a helpful way for confused people to tackle this question in their minds by using their hands. Ready?

First, hold up both of your index fingers. Next, pretend that they are penises. Then poke the tips of them together. Now, does this game feel more or less natural than if you looped one index finger in the thumb to make an imaginary vagina? Forget that this hand symbol is a reference to homosexuality in some countries. Stay focused. Does the pretend penis poking make you feel uncomfortable enough to make it constitutionally illegal? How about if they were real penises instead of pretend penises – would that make it all better?

What I’m trying to do here is remove the middle man. We all know that both men and women are capable of love, compassion, fidelity, and sometimes a desire to spend their lives growing old with another person. We also know that both men and women both have heads, shoulders, knees, and toes (knees and toes). So what does that leave? Penises and vaginas.

So while this gay marriage debate has never been about whether or not two reasonable, consenting adult males, who both have heads, shoulders, knees, and toes (knees and toes), could get married, why not just cut the shit? The debate has been about whether or not two reasonable, consenting adult males or females, who both happen to be connected to penises or vaginas, respectively, can get married.

I’m going to go ahead and say that it’s definitely OK for two penises to get married, just because we know there’s a place to put the rings.

Translate “Suboptimal Productivity Drivers” and Win a Dictionary

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

Stan Carey of Sentence First and Macmillan Dictionary Blog fame has set up a challenge at the Macmillan Dictionary Blog. He has written a letter in “business-speak” and tasked readers to translate it. One winner will receive a Macmillan Dictionary of their choice. Below is the opening of the letter. Follow this link to read the rest and participate.

Dear employee,

It has come to our attention that productivity drivers are suboptimal, which clearly impacts performance deliverables. We have touched base with HQ and undergone a period of extensive consultation. Actioning this decision-making process requires frontminding streamlined competencies. We anticipate a needs-based harmonisation gap in employee feelings vis-à-vis these necessary outcomes, but we are tasked with maximising the ball-parking of our projected equity outcomes.

My translation of that paragraph is:

Underling,

You have failed yet again, which means the company is failing because of you. The powers that be know of your failings. They have given us the authority to act swiftly and brutally. For the good of the company, you will be granted no mercy.

Go here to see the rest of my translation.

Good luck and happy translating!

Image courtesy of the Macmillan Dictionary Blog.

UPDATED: Last Chance to Buy Advertising on Family Radio Before the Rapture

Joe McVeigh2 Comments

Want to reach the multitudes before it’s too late? Worried that you’ll head into Armageddon without sufficient funds to rule the damned? Afraid that you’ve missed the opportunity to shuck your goods to scores upon scores of mindless droids?

Image Courtesy of Family Radio

Well, worry no longer my friends. As the marketing manager for Family Radio*, I am the only person on God’s green-for-now Earth to give you the opportunity to reach your potential customers before it’s too late. This is a golden calf opportunity (no pun intended, praise Jesus, Amen).

Hurry now and you will receive exclusive advertising rights on Family Radio, the station that everyone will be listening to this weekend. In between the predictions of Mr. Harold Camping, listeners could be hearing about your product. Maybe it’s SPF-4,500 sunscreen for the impending hell on Earth. Maybe it’s nostril plugs to keep the stench of burning sinners’ flesh out of your nose. Maybe it’s hot dogs and marshmallows to roast over the pits of hellfire that will rise up from the bowels.

Whatever it is, seize the opportunity and get your word out there! Call now and you’ll get exclusive advertising on Family Radio for the low, low price of $150,000 per 30-second commercial. This deal won’t last long, folks. Glory be to God and thanks be to me for offering you the last advertising opportunity ever.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – $150,000 sounds like an awful lot for a 30-second commercial. Sure it does. You’re completely right. Only an idiot would pay that kind of money. Only an idiot on any other day, that is. But you’re not an idiot and this is not any other day – this is the last day of the world. After Saturday, only sinners and the damned will be left on the Earth. You’re going to need some serious loot to stay ahead in that condemned world. You have to spend money to make money, amiright?

Just think about the potential audience for tomorrow’s broadcast. Not only will the faithful be listening, but all those naysayers as well. And it’s all those naysayers – the majority of tomorrow’s audience – that are sure they’ll be around come Sunday. Those are the dopes that will buy your product and ensure you’ll have a leg up when Ol’ Johnny Scratch, a.k.a. Beelzebub, rolls around. I’m sure he would appreciate a person that seized such a momentous opportunity to make money off of other people’s suffering.

But don’t wait until it’s too late! Grab the devil by the horns and enter the Rapture a rich man! (Or woman – bitches’ monies is green as well)

Call now.

UPDATE: Due to unforeseen circumstances, the opportunity to buy advertising on Family Radio has been extended indefinitely.

*self-appointed and completely fabricated position

Robert Burchfield. Teacher. Lexicographer. Original Gangster.

Joe McVeigh1 Comment

Before Tupac and Biggie. Before Dre and Snoop. Shit, before even Schoolly D and Ice-T, there was Robert Burchfield.

Robert Burchfield was straight gangstar. Robert Burchfield was the Suge Knight of lexicography. No, fuck that, Suge Knight is the Robert Burchfield of rapping. Respect.

Peep this: In 1957, the Oxford English Dictionary was mad out of date. The Oxford University Press needed to update that shit and they needed to do it quick. How could they call themselves a bastion of the English language when their dictionary was so old-school? Shit was whack.

The OUP knew they had to get the freshest gangsta around to edit their OED – the OG Robert Burchfield. They knew players would be hatin’ on him and his editing skillz, but they knew it had to be done. Shit would have been even more whack if they didn’t get RWB, yo.

Pictured: R to the Obert, B to the Urchfield.

Shit, you don’t think RWB knew peeps would be hating on his OED Supplement? Robert Burchfield was realer than real deal Holyfield. You think he didn’t know that shit? He knew – homeboy just didn’t care. He published that shit anywayz. It was his job to tell the world about the English language, not their job to tell him about it. Robert Burchfield took the English language and said, “It’s like and like this and like that and uh.” If punk ass bitches didn’t like it, they could come and get theirs.

And they tried to front too, writing him letters saying they would cap his ass for his edits to the OED. But all them letters were anonymous, surprise surprise, because cowards were scared of the OG Burchfield. Bitch ass death threats from fakers didn’t faze RWB, ya heard. Robert Burchfield kept rolling, slinging his dictionary papers and pimping knowledge like nobody’s bizness.

RWB went to that great editing room in the sky in 2004. But now that y’all know who the original gangsta is, you best show respect.

RIP OG RWB.

The Lightening Farmer

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

Friends, there is a new contender for The Best Image in the World for the Back of a Denim Jacket and it is awesome on many levels.

Behold, The Lightening Farmer:

If you’ll remember, the current champion is Jeff Beck’s Guitar Delivering Eagle of Glory:

Although The Lightening Farmer is fresh on the scene, it’s hard to argue that it wouldn’t make a bitching addition to any Levi’s Stud Coat. The frazzy-haired groupies would straight pass out when you let them know it’s a picture of what you plan on doing with her for the next 50 years – having her use your power rod to capture some lightening in her honey jar.

Jersey Girls Rule, Rep. Michele Bachmann Drools

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

Cherry Hill, NJ, resident Amy Myers has openly challenged Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann to a debate on the US Constitution, US History, and US Civics. The interesting part? Amy Myers is a sophomore in high school.

The story seems to come from a letter dated April 29, which was then uploaded to CNN’s iReport on May 6. After that, the rest is history, as the story was picked up by Nick Pinto of Minneapolis’ City Pages, Andy Birkey of the Minnesota Independent, and Richard Metzger of Dangerous Minds. And, yes, of course there’s a Facebook page for the cause.

Pictured: Ol’ Crazy Eyes

If Amy Myers of Cherry Hill New Jersey really exists, then I applaud her. If she’s a really real person who really made this challenge, then there are two very important things that could come out of such a debate. One, as Richard Metzger said, he “would pay good money to see [this debate].” He then made the point of how much money could be raised for a women’s charity from such a debate. It could be for a good cause, Michele…

Two, Amy Myers says to Rep. Bachmann in the letter that “The statements you make help to serve an injustice to not only the position of Congresswoman, but women everywhere. Though politically expedient, incorrect comments cast a shadow on your person and by unfortunate proxy, both your supporters and detractors alike often generalize this shadow to women as a whole.” Well, let me be the first to say that the statements Amy makes help to serve a justice to Jersey gals everywhere, who, by unfortunate proxy, often get a bad rap.

So big up yourself, Amy Myers. If you really exist, that is.

Oh man, I hope this is for real.

How Facebook Can Cure Your Depression & Improve Your Self-Esteem

Joe McVeigh3 Comments

Are you feeling down in the dumps? Has pressure at work got you stressed out? Do you feel like one of those depressed losers that are always on TV? Are you one of those depressed losers on TV?

Well, well, well, have I got some good news for you? I have just finished researching and developing a system that is 100% guaranteed to kick those blues. 100% sure to turn that frown upside down! 100% proven to keep you from being such an annoying depressed little shit!

It’s called Dr. Joe McVeigh’s Facebook Uphoria Creator & Dignity Umptulator (FUCKU) and with just 3 easy steps, it will have you happier and more self-confident than Lil John at a senior prom. But let me allow the program speak for itself.

Step 1:

Go on Facebook and befriend everyone you went to high school with – the losers, the twats, the trouser stains – the people you never wanted to see again. Don’t worry about these people not accepting your friend request. They won’t. At this stage in the game, they need you more than you need them.

Step 2:

Monitor their status updates. Take careful note of how inane and inconsequential they truly are. Keep a careful eye out for updates with that weepy, poor-me shit.

Step 3:

Take great satisfaction out of the fact that you are not these losers that you are now “friends” with. Earn self-esteem from their sad, pitiful lives.

Step 4 (Bonus step!):

Have fun! Have a drink, go dancing, bump some lines, play some Russian roulette – do whatever you want until you get depressed again and need to log back into Facebook.

Don’t wait! For three easy payments of $24.99, you too could find out how Facebook can sure your depression & improve your self-esteem with my patented FUCKU program. Operators are standing by.

Call now.

All the Fake News That’s Fit to Reprint

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

In yet another case of a news organization being duped by The Onion, the New York Times printed a picture of a fake Tiger Beat magazine with President Barack Obama on the cover, even though the picture was straight out of The Onion and therefore totes fake.

As Joe Pompeo notes in a Yahoo! News blog, this is certainly not the first time this has happened:

Back in 2002, the Beijing Evening News fell for a gag about the U.S. Congress demanding a new Capitol building with a retractable dome. In 2009, two Bangladeshi newspapers were duped by The Onion’s spoof validating fringe conspiracy theories that the 1969 moon landing was a hoax. More recently, Fox Nation fell for the outlandish headline, “Frustrated Obama Sends Nation Rambling 75,000-Word E-Mail.”

But still, at least one question remains: What in the hell was the New York Times doing printing a picture of Tiger Beat Magazine? According to their redaction, the article it appeared in was “about how the original teen-girl tabloid has remained virtually unchanged since its inception in 1965.” So? Is this what waits for me behind that New York Times paywall? Fucking articles about Tiger Beat magazine – articles about Tiger Beat Magazine that aren’t even fact-checked. Christalmighty.

In related news, I’m currently working my way through The Onion’s Our Front Pages book. I highly recommend it.

What Do Aliens Think of the Zumba?

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

Let’s say that an alien has come to Earth on a research mission. He wants to know what Earthlings are like. So he gets a furnished apartment, he arrives in secret, and he let’s his home planet know he’s made it to Earth safe and sound.

He knows almost nothing about Earthlings, but he’s all ready to learn. So he turns on his TV and sees this:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bS_g0-QWeek?fs=1]

What the hell would he think of humanity? What do you think his first report back to his planet would say?

[I chose Zumba for this post, but really any workout video/commercial could work just as well. Am I the only person fascinated by those things?]

The Best Stress Reliever in the World – Anger Yoga

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

Do you experience frustration from time to time? Have you ever been fed-up with something? Do the packed yoga classes have you at your wits end? Well suffer no longer, my friends. There’s a new craze sweeping the nation and it’s here to help you with your anger. In fact, it’s called Anger Yoga.

As an experienced professional in such complementary and alternative medicine as Japanese Eyeball Poking, I am uniquely qualified to introduce you to the wonderful world of Anger Yoga.

I can hear you asking, “But, Dr. McVeigh, what is this Anger Yoga you speak of?” Anger Yoga offers the same relief as real yoga, but without all the bending and flexing and farting. So how does it work? I’m glad you asked.

In the most common form of Anger Yoga, the practitioner enters a yoga class and kicks the closest person right in the gut. It doesn’t matter what yoga pose they are in the middle of, so long as the Anger Yoga practitioner puts the majority of their aggression into the kick. This is how Anger Yoga can relieve stress. One swift boot to another person’s face or ass and you are bound to feel better, my friends.

Just look at these dickwads. They’re praying for a boot in the ass.

You see, Anger Yoga involves a person bottling up their anger and emotions until the time comes that a yoga class is in session. The Anger Yoga student then goes to that class about 10 minutes after it starts, walks in, and proceeds to release their frustrations through a series of gut punches, body slams, and elbow drops. The trick is to channel your anger into whichever part of your body is landing on the unsuspecting yoga student. This could mean transferring your frustrations to a yogi through a swift headbutt or conferring your aggravation to a yoga student through a well-executed pile driver.

It may sound simple, but people spend years becoming Anger Yoga masters. I, for one, have been practicing Anger Yoga for, like, a hundred years, which is why I am the only person in the U.S. and A. that is qualified to train you in the art of spiritual enlightenment and physical pain giving through Anger Yoga. With my guidance and the art of Anger Yoga, you will never be frustrated again.

Call now.