Scandal Rocks the Kemblesville Mayor’s Office!

Mayor Irving’s Facebook account is hacked! Will he become the next Anthony Weiner?

Yesterday, a suspicious message was posted on Mayor Ryan F. Irving’s (I) Facebook wall. The message read:

I regret to inform you that I am stepping down as Mayor of Kemblesville.

Irving believes his account was hacked, possibly by someone from the Rick Santorum camp.

This isn’t the first time Mayor Irving has been involved in controversy. We all remember when he tried to move the Indianapolis Colts to Kemblesville in the middle of the night, his reasons being that that was how they got to Indianapolis in the first place. Then there was the scandal involving his deputy mayor, Ramona C. McVeigh, who tried to unseat him while he was in Indianapolis.

And, of course, there are those on the internet who keep removing his section from Wikipedia, claiming that it is “incomplete, unverified and poorly written.” As if that’s a reason to delete sections of Wikipedia and not the most accurate description of Wikipedia itself.

Well, as campaign manager, I can attest that everything you read on his Wikipedia contains nothing but truthiness. This article is verification of that fact. Check it out before his internet enemies strike at his Wikipedia section again.

Lexicon Valley Shout Out

I mentioned the Slate.com podcast Lexicon Valley in my post last week, “Is Your Mother a Geek? Linguistics and the Ramones.” If you haven’t checked it out already, you should.

I’m plugging it again because the third episode is up and I got a shout out for my submission to their LexiConundrum puzzle. Co-host Mike Vuolo gave two initial letters and the task of the puzzle was to come up with adjectival present participles that matched. For example, firing squad would fit in the given initials F___ S___.

Mr. Vuolo was being nice by not saying my name and broadcasting the extreme nerdiness of my sense of humor. I thank him for that, but anyone who knows me knows that I have no such concern. And so, the joke was:

Adjectival Present Participles = Worst. Band name. Ever.

This week’s episode discusses “the hypercorrected incorrectness of ‘between you and I.'” The LexiConundrum asks listeners to submit a name for a specific type of usage of this term. Check out the feed here. The archives are here.

Confidential to Mr. Vuolo: From one nerdy joker to another, that was a good one. I’m going to pretend such a conversation took place between Mick and Keith because it sounds hilarious.

Such a Nice Little Spammer

Since coming over to WordPress from Blogger (a move I should have made a long time ago), I’ve noticed a lot more spam comments. I’m not sure why. Fortunately, Askimet has picked up all of them so far.

What’s really interesting is that the spam comments I receive aren’t anything like the spam emails I receive. None of them want me to grow my manhood and none of them are from Nigerian royalty. Maybe everyone on WordPress already knows about this, but I wanted to highlight a few things. I also thought a good mocking of the spammers would be fun.

First, almost all of the spam comments have been on my book review of The Loved One by Evelyn Waugh. Why this is, I don’t know. It’s not my first post, nor is it my best. I guess the spammers only go for the high brow stuff.

Second, the language is confusing since it’s no better or worse than the legitimate comments I see around the net. It’s the links and/or the user names, however, that gives the spammers away – “Beats By Dre” and “DoMeDolls(dot)com” are two of the most recent ones. Whatever happened to a good ol’ user name like LordDragonSlayer47? Or, more interestingly, how is it that we know a user name like that clearly represents a real commenter?

Finally, here are a few examples of spam comments left on my site, with their links removed and my comments added.

From Beats by Dre on The Loved One by Evelyn Waugh:

Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It in fact was a amusement account it. Look advanced to more added agreeable from you! By the way, how could we communicate?

I don’t know how we could communicate. More added agreeable maybe?
 

From Orville Ras on The Loved One by Evelyn Waugh:

You can use the process of elimination. For example my next post mentions Breitbart and Stranahan so you know it isn’t them.

Well, that’s two suspects down. By the way, who are we looking for again?
 

From Jenise Landers on The Loved One by Evelyn Waugh:

I can just say that of a relief to discover somebody that actually knows what theyre talking about on the net. You definitely know how to bring a worry to light making it important. Lots more people must read this and see why side in the story. I cant believe you aren’t widely used since you definitely hold the gift.

I cant believe it either, Jenise, but remember: Flattery will get you nowhere. Apostrophes might though.
 

From Garret Ply on The Loved One by Evelyn Waugh, which is a review of a book published in 1948:

that is one of the best articles i’ve seen about TV’s lately, really tells me alot about what goin on in TV market this days

That, ladies and gentleman, is called definitely holding the gift.

[Update 22 March 2012] I couldn’t resist adding this one I got recently on my post about grammar checkers. There’s just something about it that has me cracking up.

Word Press DOES give my life meaning! It’s TRUE!Before WordPress there was only Darkness, the Void, and the urlmbcy bits at the bottom of the bag of chips. That’s not to say that the urlmbcy bits are bad or anything, it’s just that they’re REALLY laden with sodium benzoate and all manner of artificial colorings and flavorings. Speaking of which, have you ever LOOKED at the ingredients on a bag of chips? And what exactly is a snack ring ? Corn Chips I understand, but Snack Rings ? That’s a mystery. Some sort of corn product paste, I think .ANYWAY, WordPress is gonna’ send me a free tee-shirt. At least I think so. Think they might offer me a JOB?A JOB. Y’all READING this? I WANT A JOB with you guys!I can’t code to save my life, but I can sure write copy, and not just your run-of-the-mill boilerplate crap, but really engaging patter, and spell-checked to boot!Listen, I live on the Big Island of Hawai’i, in a converted school bus with my wife Anna and a very cool cat named Henry. Anna’s a brilliant recording artist and Henry rules our lives. We sell baked potatoes at our local farmers’ market one day a week and I could REALLY use the cash.Thanks so much for your CAREFUL ATTENTION TO MY PLEA.DaveLike this? 0

“Corn Chips I understand, but Snack Rings […] WordPress is gonna’ send me a free tee-shirt. At least I think so […] Y’all READING this? […] baked potatoes (?) […] DaveLike this?”

These aren’t the words of a spammer, they are the ravings of a lunatic. And spell-checked to boot!

The more I read this, the harder I laugh.

Is Your Mother a Geek? Linguistics and the Ramones*

Besides being a great song on a great album (Leave Home), “Suzy is a Headbanger” by the Ramones also has a very interesting line:

Suzy is a headbanger,
Her mother is a geek.

These lyrics puzzled me because they didn’t really make any sense. It wasn’t until I read the term “feed the geek” in Babel No More by Michael Erard (review forthcoming) that I decided to look into it. It turns out, the reason the lyrics didn’t make sense to me was because I was thinking of geek in its contemporary sense, the one Macmillan defines as “n. Someone who is boring, especially because they seem to be interested only in computers.” Even more recently, as we all know, the term has become to mean something like enthusiast or to describe a particular way of practicing some activity (as in geek sex). But since “Suzy” was written around 1976, those are obviously not the intended meanings.

The problem is, I’m having a hard time believing that Joey Ramone meant the other, older sense of the word. I looked at multiple dictionaries, but all of them basically defined this sense as “n. A carnival performer whose show consists of bizarre acts, such as biting the head off a live chicken.” Mmm! Mothers bring your daughters, fathers brings your sons!

So what’s going on? Did he really mean to sing geek? If he didn’t mean that Suzy’s mom is a circus freak and he couldn’t have meant that she’s a computer nerd, what did he mean? The song obviously portrays Suzy in a positive light, so was he doing something like Bob Dylan did in his song “Ballad of a Thin Man” and questioning what we think of as normalcy?

You hand in your ticket
And you go watch the geek
Who immediately walks up to you
When he hears you speak
And says, “How does it feel
To be such a freak ?”
And you say, “Impossible”
As he hands you a bone.

– Bob Dylan, Ballad of the Thin Man

Or did geek have a meaning specific to punks in New York (or punks anywhere) in the 1970s?

There was a 70s Australian punk band in Perth called the Geeks, but knowing what I know about punk rockers, they tend to relish in classifying themselves as the outcasts. It’s a way to welcome someone in and strengthen group identity (The Ramones chant, “Gabba! Gabba! We accept you, we accept you! One of us!” perfectly encapsulates this notion). So were they saying that Suzy’s mom was one of them?

Besides the Perth band, I couldn’t find any connection of geek to the 1970s punk rock scene, so I decided to look at the Corpus of Contemporary American English. If geek was being used by the punks in the 70s, I assumed it was also being used by at least the music journalists as well. I just hoped it was being used in the same way. There were two hits for “geek.[nn1]” in the 1970s, both being the carnival kind of geek. The 1980s is where things start to change since there are five hits – two carnival geeks, two nerd geeks, and one I’m not really sure of (it’s hard to tell from the bit context). After that, the usage really takes off with thirty-three hits in the 1990s and 104 hits in the 2000s.

This still hasn’t answered my question, however. Certainly another word besides geek would fit there just as easily, especially if you’re rhyming it with “ooh ooh wee.” But there’s the catch. I want to conclude that Joey was speaking positively of Suzy’s mother, but that’s not realistic. Joey was most likely using geek to describe a disapproving mother.

Wordnik, which is a great site, lists one definition of geek as “n. An unfashionable or socially undesirable person.” Today there might be wide agreement on which type of person is a geek (because we’re all so cool, you know, man?), but what’s interesting is that in “Suzy is a Headbanger” we have a counter-culture band, who by no means owned the majority stake of Cool, using geek to insult a member of another group. But the reason he’s doing so is that he sees Suzy’s mother as being judgmental, which is not a trait often attributed to geeks. So there’s a disconnect between the connotations of the two meanings of geek, which suggests the term was in flux. Notice also that insulting someone else by calling them a geek is simultaneously an attempt to prove one’s cool, but that’s beside the point.

I think geek is a great case of how quickly words can change their meanings, something linguistics call “semantic shift.” It’s also a simple example of what linguistics mean when they say, “We’re not sure.” Words are tricky things to pin down, especially when they are ones that are used infrequently. Add to that someone using the word in a novel way (or at least with a slightly different meaning) and things get even trickier. Had Joey’s meaning taken off, we might today be using geek to describe older people who disapprove of the younger generation’s activities. Geek then would have a decidedly uncool meaning. Instead, being a geek is an aspiration since it means not only enthusiasm, but knowledge and mastership of a certain area. The success of this meaning of geek, of course, is obviously due to the success of computers and the success of geek as an adjective to be applied to any and all activities. In this way, later in Babel No More, Michael Erard can write, “Indeed, boasting about the languages one has studied or can speak is a display of geek machismo,” and everyone understands the meaning.

As a side note, for those interested in linguistics, semantic shift, or the etymology of contemptuous words, I recommend checking out Slate.com’s new podcast Lexicon Valley. They have two episodes and both are excellent. What’s even better, and even more pertinent to this article, is that in the second episode, entitled “The Other F-Word,” you get to hear linguist Arnold Zwicky reference Pansy Division. What a headbanger.

[Update – July 24, 2012] The Oxford Dictionaries blog has written twice about geek. The most recent post compares the collocates of geek to nerd in their corpus, while the older post explains the transformation in the meaning of geek. Sadly, there is no mention of the Ramones. Maybe it’s time for them to update their corpus?

Here are the posts:
Embrace Your Geekness – July 13, 2012
Are You Calling Me a Geek? Why, *Thank You* – March 4, 2011

 

 

 

*These are a few of my favorite things.

Book Review: The Drunkard’s Walk by Leonard Mlodinow

Here is the guest review on Amazon.com for The Drunkard’s Walk: How Randomness Rules Our Lives:

In The Drunkard’s Walk Leonard Mlodinow provides readers with a wonderfully readable guide to how the mathematical laws of randomness affect our lives. With insight he shows how the hallmarks of chance are apparent in the course of events all around us. The understanding of randomness has brought about profound changes in the way we view our surroundings, and our universe. I am pleased that Leonard has skillfully explained this important branch of mathematics.
– Stephen Hawking

I’m not about to contradict Mr. Hawking (although some people on Amazon are – canyoubelieveit?). I think he is right that Leonard Mlodinow “skillfully explained this important branch of mathematics.” But I think it should be noted that Drunkard’s Walk is probably more of a book for the general public, than it is for the math enthusiast.

Cover design: Keenan

That’s because a person trained in mathematics will know most of the math explained in the book, so all they’ll really get out of it are the anecdotes. Someone less inclined in math, however, will get both. For those people (i.e., me), Drunkard’s Walk is an even more enjoyable read.

Do note, however, although Drunkard’s is a relatively quick read and although I said that this is a math book for the general public, don’t assume that it’s something akin to the current rash of pop science books that have been all over the best seller lists. Mlodinow knows his stuff. He got a guest review from Stephen Fucking Hawking* because he co-wrote A Briefer History of Time with the man.

Finally, if dabbling in statistics and history is something that you like, Mlodinow’s book comes with so many references that you’re bound to wind up with more interesting things to read. I’m already looking into a couple. Expect to see my thoughts on them here.
 

Up next: Babel No More by Michael Erard.

 

 

 

*For those of you on Twitter, you should follow him. Here’s a sample tweet, “I can’t believe I missed the Horizon programme on black holes. I was hoping to pick up a few tips.” Dude’s a riot.

You Are Your Words

The American Heritage Dictionary has a very cool site which “invites you to create a self-portrait using your words.” It’s called You Are Your Words and what you do is upload a picture, then a document (or link to Twitter or Facebook), and the site will turn your picture in something like this:

Pretty cool, huh? I am totes setting this as my new gravatar (I was getting tired of that stuffed horse anyways.*)

Before you get started, a few words to the wise. First, the final step allows you to choose a color, font, and contrast. These things matter in making your picture look right, so take your time playing around with them. I could only get the black text on white background to work, but maybe that was because of the photo. Also, for me, the texts that worked best were Marker and One Days.

Second, this site is kind of addictive, so have fun not getting any work done today.

By the way, the text I used was my earlier post, “Introducing the Ancient Healing Art of Japanese Eyeball Poking.” It was my wife’s suggestion. She said it reflects who I am because I’m stupid. So I added that to the text. Thanks, honey.

Dear National Vaccine Information Center,

I read recently that the malaria vaccine is progressing well and will be coming out soon. If we act now, we’ll be able to protest it the moment it hits the shelves. Obviously, the first order of business is to come up with a few “side effects” that it causes. I’m thinking diarrhea, gout, dyslexia, boredom, Parkinson’s and possibly homosexuality. I’m open to your suggestions, but I think beating the dead autistic horse would be counterproductive.

The next thing we need to do is figure out other ways that our kids can be protected from and cured of malaria without taking the evil vaccine. I’m offering Japanese Eyeball Poking™ because I’m sure that by the time the vaccine comes out, someone will have visited my office with malaria (although I kind of hope not). Oh well, doctors don’t need to know and we don’t need evidence for our claims. And I’m not going to Africa to treat people for malaria with Eyeball Poking. Have you seen that place? Talk about disease central.

Can you think of anything else we need? A celebrity endorsement would be nice. Jenny McCarthy is taken, obviously, but maybe there is someone with similar skills. What’s Yasmine Bleeth up to these days? Does she have kids? Can we give them malaria?

Until we figure these things out, I’ll be the face of the protest. You get everything working behind the scenes. I’ll germinate the forums, you plan the march on Washington. Together we can stop this terrible “life saving” vaccine from ever reaching Africa.

Also, someone needs to figure out if we can send live mosquitoes through the mail.

Sincerely,

Joe McVeigh

Write as Elmore Leonard Says, Not as Elmore Leonard Does

Speaking of how to write well, Dangerous Minds contributor Paul Gallagher has posted Elmore Leonard’s “10 Rules for Writing Fiction.” The list is from a 2001 New York Times article and it goes like this:

1. Never open a book with the weather.
2. Avoid prologues.
3. Never use a verb other than “said” to carry dialogue.
4. Never use an adverb to modify the verb “said”…
5. Keep your exclamation points under control.
6. Never use the words “suddenly” or “all hell broke loose.”
7. Use regional dialect, patois, sparingly.
8. Avoid detailed descriptions of characters.
9. Don’t go into great detail describing places and things.
10. Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip.

I commented that Leonard breaks at least two of these rules in his books. That knowledge came from five minutes worth of what us in the business call “using the internet.” I’m not going to spend more time on this, but I wanted to relay another comment by witzed that had me rolling:

A lot of people don’t know it, but Elmore Leonard is also an architect, and he has some really good rules for that, too.
1) Do not start with the roof.
2) Make sure there is another room on the other side of the door.
3) Carpeting must always face left.
4) No boilers in the elevator!
5) All arbitrary lists must have at least ten items.
6) A bedroom is not a bowling alley.
7) Make up your mind: shoes or no shoes.
8) Think first: Is this supposed to be a bathroom?
9) Pay attention to the stuff everyone can see.

Remember, folks, the best players often make the worst coaches. For more hilarity, check out the contest held by the National Post and CBC Radio. The contest is closed, but you can check the comments.

The Real Reason Short Words Are Best

In the opening of a recent Macmillan Dictionary Blog post, Robert Lane Greene quotes the editor of the Economist’s style guide, who in turn quotes Winston Churchill as saying “Short words are best, and old words, when short, are best of all.” Greene then goes on to discuss how difficult it is to write clearly. If you think you’ve heard this one before, don’t. Greene’s post is brief, practical, and a touch insightful. He believes that journalists often get a “bad rap” as writers of plain English because of the schedules they are under. I can go along with that.

Greene also says that metaphors are one way writers can improve. He says there are “three ways to use a metaphor to get ideas across, and two of them are bad.” The two bad kinds are tired metaphors and strained metaphors. Greene suggests using the best kind of metaphors, those that are “simple, clear, memorable and quite often short.”

Greene uses the conventional meaning of “metaphor,” of course, since that’s how most people still understand the term. But the updated meaning shows us that phrases like on Wednesday and the sun came out are also metaphors (for those unfamiliar, think about actually putting something on a day in the way we put something on a table). This realization of metaphors lurking all around our language is important because it adds what I think is the most important element of Greene’s (and Churchill’s and the unnamed Economist editor’s) belief that short words are best. (Don’t worry, I’m not going to get into Conceptual Metaphor Theory or Blending. I’m trying to keep your attention, believe it or not.)

Consider the opening to Greene’s post, which is really the opening to the Economist editorial:

“Short words are best, and old words, when short, are best of all.” Thus, quoting Winston Churchill, began an editorial in The Economist that consisted entirely of one-syllable words. It went on:
“AND, not for the first time, he was right: short words are best. Plain they may be, but that is their strength. They are clear, sharp and to the point. You can get your tongue round them. You can spell them. Eye, brain and mouth work as one to greet them as friends, not foes. For that is what they are.”

Churchill, Greene, and our anonymous editor aren’t the only ones that love short words. You’ll hear language gurus promoting them all over the place. It’s a common idea, but a good one. It goes: Keep it simple, stupid.

And yet, I can’t help feeling that short words are anything but “plain.” The more I think about them, the more I realize that short words are downright complex, especially ones like prepositions. For example, you know what on, of, at, in, etc. mean, but could you define them? It’s pretty tough when you think about it. Fortunately, every language has a way of expressing the notions that prepositions in English express, such as spatial relations. So when you encounter a new language, no matter if it has prepositions or suffixes doing the job of English prepositions, you will be able to understand them. That’s not plain, in my mind. Prepositions do some complicated things.

I don’t think Greene, Churchill or Mr. Editor were talking about prepositions, though. So let’s think about some other short and “plain” words. The English word set, according to Macmillan, has fifteen definitions. Stand has seventeen definitions. Run has nineteen. And that’s not counting the entries for phrases that include these words.

These are not plain words. Short words are not great because they are “to the point,” but because they are to so many points. The fact is, I can do a lot more with set, stand, and run than I can with Australopithecus, midi-chlorians, and Tyrannosaurus rex. That’s because English packs a lot of information into little tiny words.

Or, then again, maybe it doesn’t. Sometimes we’re forced to say yesterday or tomorrow, pretentious or university (two unrelated words), Superman or Professor Xavier. That’s just the way things are.

In his editorial, the Masked Editor uses literature as an example of what can be done with short words – “to be or not to be,” “The year’s at the spring/And day’s at the morn…/The lark’s on the wing;/The snail’s on the thorn.” But he’s using a double-edged sword and he’s not using it well. Sometimes people write thinigs like this:

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore–
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door–
“‘Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door–
Only this and nothing more.”

Or this:

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since.

Or this:

All this happened, more or less. The war parts, anyway, are pretty much true. One guy I knew really was shot in Dresden for taking a teapot that wasn’t his. Another guy I knew really did threaten to have his personal enemies killed by hired gunmen after the war. And so on. I’ve changed all the names.

So it goes. I guess some folks know what they’re doing. Neither Churchill, nor Greene, nor the artist formerly known as an editor tell us what a short word is. One syllable? Two? Three is stretching it, I guess.

The point is, Greene, Churchill, and the editor who wasn’t there are correct. Everyone should keep it simple (stupid). They should do that all the time. It’s a good rule to follow. But we should realize that in English our “short and simple” words are often only the former, not the latter. I’m not picking on Greene, who I think is a great journalist (seriously, DuckDuckGo his name, read his articles, watch his TED Talks). It’s just that his article made me think of this idea, which has probably been brewing for a while.

By the way, here are the first three sentences of The Gathering Storm, the first book in a series which won Churchill the Nobel Prize in Literature:

After the end of the World War of 1914 there was a deep conviction and almost universal hope that peace would reign in the world. This heart’s desire of all the peoples could easily have been gained by steadfastness in righteous convictions, and by reasonable common sense and prudence. The phrase “the war to end war” was on every lip, and measures had been taken to turn it into a reality.

And then there’s the rest of Hamlet’s speech that our friendly neighborhood editor used as an example. Guess what, there’s disagreement over its meaning. So much for short words. Shakespeare does away with them after the first line. To wit:

To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether ’tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them: to die, to sleep
No more; and by a sleep, to say we end
The heart-ache, and the thousand Natural shocks
That Flesh is heir to? ‘Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die to sleep,
To sleep, perchance to Dream; Ay, there’s the rub,
For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come…

[Update: Mr. Greene was kind enough to drop by and leave a link to his reply, which you can find here.]