Crack Rock the Vote

Or, a lesson on narcotics and how, if properly applied, they can be a benefit to our great nation.

The deficit is spinning out of control. We’ve all heard the bad news about how much Congress is spending. Many of us think that they’re wasting our money away. The more intelligent among us know they are. But what are we as concerned citizens to do about it? Well, my fellow Americans, I have a plan. It may be rather eccentric, but after giving it much thought, I think it’s just what this country needs. I ask my readers to bear with me until the end of this article. I believe you will see my reasoning. I ask you also to remember who else was once considered eccentric – the Founding Fathers.

My idea sprung from the life of one of my dear friends. About a year ago, my friend started experimenting with chemically intoxicating himself. After trying a few different narcotics, he landed on one that really struck his fancy – crack. Crack has an interesting history in this country or so I’m told by many of its users. I think that their fervor is what drove my friend to try it – crack is all that crack users want to talk about. He told me later that their stories and one hit was all it took. As soon as my friend tried it, he knew he wanted more.

But what was particularly interesting about my friend’s ventures with crack – and what really piqued the interest of my analytic mind – was the extent to which my friend would go to obtain more crack. He washed my windows with just his spit and his t-shirt for more crack. He reshingled my neighbor’s roof for more crack. He picked each and every hair out of my carpet for more crack. And he performed a host of sexual favors for the elderly woman living upstairs – just for more crack. Once a fervent capitalist who believed spending money was essential to a healthy economy, he now rarely spends even a single dollar, unless it is on crack.

And then it hit me. Why not get Congress on crack?

Congressmen and women can’t seem to stop their spending. They have no problem allocating and exhausting our hard-earned tax dollars on themselves and their districts. It must be stopped, but so far, every single plan to do so has failed. Congress spends more and more each and every year [see graph below]. But what if they were all using crack? The way I see it, they would all be like my friend, the crackhead. They wouldn’t be able to spend a dime on anything but crack.

Now, you may be worried that instead of spending money on pork projects, all that money would go to congressional crack expenditures. But I have thought of that too. Remember that my friend would perform almost any task to get his hands on more crack. I can assure you that balancing the deficit would be no problem compared to some of the things my friend has done. All we have to do is tell them they can have some more crack when the country is out of debt.

Problem solved. You’re welcome, America.

Source: My ass

Author: Joe McVeigh

I'm a linguist who researches email marketing. I also teach at the University of Jyväskylä in Finland. I write about language and linguistics on my blog, ...And Read All Over, and I write about language and marketing on my other blog, Email and Linguistics.

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