Category: Articles

Answering the Critics of the President’s Finnish Society

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

Inspired by the success and resolve of the Queen’s English Society, I created the President’s Finnish Society, or Presidentin Suomenkielen Mielisairaala. Our intention is to improve the standards of Finnish, to encourage people to know more about the wonderful Finnish language, to use it more effectively and to enjoy it more, to rid Standard Finnish of vulgar slang and foreign words. Or, as the Finns would say, “sinun seura on paska.” Just like the QES, the PFS awards an annual prize for excellent Finnish usage – the Jussi Sekopää award. Last year’s winner, for the eighth time in a row, was Matti Nykänen.

The PFS has been around for twelve years and we are still going strong. But I feel it is time to answer some of our detractors. I do not want to, but it seems they just won’t go away. On the contrary, it seems they might be multiplying. This will not do.

The first criticism to address is that I am not qualified to monitor the progress of the Finnish language. My opponents will say that just because I’m neither a native Finn nor a fluent Finnish speaker, I should therefore not “comment on any alterations to the language that are felt to be not in keeping with clarity and elegance in written or spoken” Finnish, as the QES does for English. I say that I am the proud father of not one, but two native Finnish speakers. So you could call me not just fluent, but proto-fluent.

That’s pretty much the only charge that has been leveled against me. Well, some like to point out that there is already an organization that polices the Finnish language. But those fools just don’t realize that two is better than one. Duh!

Read all about it.

[Updated] Rise Up! Free-form Grammar to Break Your Language Bonds

Joe McVeigh3 Comments

Too long have we been held in the chains of grammar. Too long have our oppressors, the so-called language mavens, told us what we can and cannot say! Too long!

This is the dawning of a new era, where we will no longer be slaves to our grammarians and their grammar books. This is the dawning of the Age of Avant Garde Grammar.

Free-form grammar is simple. Take the most hallowed rule of English grammar, the granddaddy of them all – that phrases must impart sensible information – and throw it out! Kill the head and the body will die!

Feel liberated, my fellow grammar slaves, for this is Liberated Grammar. You are slaves no longer!

[UPDATE – August 6, 2020] Hat tip to the Society Formerly Known as the Anti-Queens English Society and to the Proper English Foundation for helping the masses to break free from their grammatical bonds. Apologies and condolences to family and friends of the Queen’s English Society. Their death was inevitable, but it’s always sad to see a cult bite the dust.

[UPDATE – June 18, 2037]
Took while, but pre-New World Order grammar really caught, huh? People slave no government world mozzarella sticks. And hockey babies chair bring fellow scholars.

[UPDATE – June 23, 2068]
Lay dying pre-Alien Overlords grammar land law used start, oui? Time was no one mavens remember world chaos inner tube. Respect.

Introducing Homeopathic Soap

Joe McVeigh3 Comments

I, Dr. Joe McVeigh, creator of Anger Yoga, innovator of the Facebook Uphoria Creator & Dignity Umptulator (FUCKU), and the only certified and reliable Japanese Eyeball Poker in the West, have done it again! I have invented the newest and greatest way to practice homeopathy everyday – even when you’re not sick! That’s right, now there’s a way to be homeopathic 24/7.

It’s called Homeopathic Soap™ and it works just like regular soap, only better. It’s sure to clean and cure you of all the natural dirt and grime that builds up on your skin over time.

Why did I create Homeopathic Soap™?

I drew inspiration from the great Mother Earth Spirit Banshee, like all of us do. My inner life instincts spoke to me from the ages, as they speak to all of us, some stronger than others. Also, I was looking for a way to relieve fools of their money people of their dirt.

How did I create Homeopathic Soap™?

I took one germ and placed it on one speck of dirt. I placed that combination in the Caspian Sea, the largest freshwater lake in the world. I used the Caspian Sea because it’s in the East and therefore more beneficial to homeopathic remedies than any Western body of water. After four moons, when my dirt and germ combination was sufficiently diluted enough, I went and drew from the water. I let the homeopathic life-infused water sit until it became soap. Like cures like, as we all know, so my Homeopathic Soap™ is sure to cure you of germs, dirt, and Caspians.

Pictured: White Homeopathic Soap™ bar on a black background.

Who can use Homeopathic Soap™?

It’s homeopathic, people! Anyone and their pets can use it. I’m talking babies, baseball players, bald men, bald women, your aunt, your uncle, that weird cousin – anybody!.

What are the drawbacks to using Homeopathic Soap™ instead of Big Pharma soap?

The only drawback that I have found is that Homeopathic Soap™ requires slightly more belief from users in its efficacy compared to Big Pharma soap. But this isn’t a drawback when you consider how the use of Big Pharma soap is cold and calculating, while using Homeopathic Soap™ is warm and loving and caring, like a big imaginary shower with Mother Earth. In fact, users of Homeopathic Soap™ who also believed in homeopathy reported feeling cleaner than users who did not believe in homeopathy. And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

How much does Homeopathic Soap™ cost?

Unfortunately, I am no longer accepting homeopathic payments as this was a disastrous way to run a business (who knew diluted money wouldn’t be as good as real money?). In order to still be reasonable, however, I have set the prices at one Homeopathic Soap™ bar for $24.99 or three for $99.99! Hurry while supplies last.

Call now.

UPDATE: Due to the extremely high interest I have received in Homeopathic Soap™ from idiots true believers, I have founded a organization called the Society of Complementary and Alternative Bathers (SCAB). It’s a place for like-minded people to gather and talk about their homeopathic alternatives to Big Pharma soap. We meet every Tuesday night at 7 pm in the auditorium of Bill Smith High School. Coffee and donuts are served.

Another Important Voice Weighs in on Gay Marriage

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

Right on the heels of David Tyre’s anarchy predictions, another prominent voice has come out against same-sex marriage. This time it’s my dog, Mr. Bo Jangles, who has expressed concern over the legalization of gay marriage.

Mr. Jangles has been known to voice his opinion in the past, usually when he’s hungry, when he really has pee, or when there’s a pile of shit on the sidewalk that he wants to stick his nose in. But in a rare instance of speaking out on public policy issues, Mr. Jangles told of his apprehensions about what same-sex marriage could mean for other dogs around the country.

“Imagine if I had been raised by two men,” he seemed to say with those puppy dog eyes. “I would probably still be the fearless home protector that you rely on, but would I be able to snuggle with you as good as I can now? Would my licks to your face be as soft and full of devotion as they are now? I don’t believe so because those are the kind of things only a female master can teach.”

Proceeding down the same logical path, Mr. Jangles likened the social and legal approval of same-sex marriage to the anarchy that comes when thunder strikes or when the garage door closes.

But Jangles isn’t the only one making his sound heard in McVeigh Manor. Mr. Jangles’s opposition to gay marriage, which was backed by the National Orgasm for Marriage, comes on the heels of my cat Mittens’s support for the same-sex marriage law passing through the chambers of my house.

“Why the hell would I give a shit what you worthless humans do?” Mittens glared. “Yeah, I’m for it. I’m for any laws that offer Emperor Mittens a chance at more food. Got it, dummy? Now, get off the couch. All this meaningless talk of human concerns has nearly bored me to death. I need a nap.”

The coming out, so to speak, of Mittens was shocking since she has always been either too uninterested or too asleep to engage anyone in any kind of social interaction. But last week her energy in declaring her stance reminded me of the time I tied a piece of string to the back of the chair.

No word yet on where my fish stands on this issue. Or my imaginary iguana.

Stay tuned to hear what these important voices have to say.

Related posts:

Removing the Middleman from the Gay Marriage Debate

Michele Bachmann Follows @congressmembers on Twitter*

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

Michele Bachmann has become the first politician to jump on the @congressmembers bus. I applaud this move. It shows that she’s not afraid to take chances, be brave, and help the country move beyond Weinergate.

I am actively awaiting Michele to tweet me her twat, but until the sexual spirit moves her, why don’t you enjoy this lovely picture that appeared in my inbox today. I know I did.

I was going to update the previous post with this news, but I thought it deserved a post all on its own. Here’s hoping @SarahPalinUSA gets on board with this movement.

*Intended to be a factual statement… cause it totally is.

Introducing… @congressmembers

Joe McVeigh1 Comment

Friends, Congressmen, Countrymen,

Tweet me your dong.

I understand. You want to send people pictures of your wiener. You need to send people pictures of your ding-a-ling. But alas, not everyone wants to receive pictures of your pecker. What are you supposed to do when the pressure builds up? It’s too much for a politician to take.

That’s what I’m here for. I have created @congressmembers, a Twitter profile that promises to be a safe haven for your interwebs sexcapades. No longer will you have to worry about sending pictures of your sausage to young girls who may turn around and show them to ABC. Send them to me instead. I promise to not let anyone else see. You’ll get the release you need. No one will have to resign. And no one will have to do an interview with Meredith Vieira. And that’s what really matters.

The safe haven for pictures of wangs.

Look, as a bonafide, certified doctor. I can understand the pressure that you’re under. You’re sitting there in your office – smartphone in one hand, meat whistle in the other – and no one to share your excitement. With the Twitterverse is just a finger tap away, what’s stopping you from tweeting a picture of your winky to that cute girl who follows you? She looks reasonable. Hey, she’s in college, that’s saying something, right?

No! Don’t do it, congressman! You don’t want to go down that road. Why don’t you tweet your pork snake portfolio to me instead? It’ll stay between the two of us. Promise. Really, no questions asked. You’ll feel satisfied that your smartphone didn’t go to waste and I’ll feel satisfied that some poor, innocent college chick didn’t have to see your one-eyed warrior.

There. Now isn’t that better?

For the non-congressmen out there reading this, I’d like to take this time to note that @congressmembers is not solely for males or politicians. Hey there, Elena Kagan, gotta feed the need to show someone your Supreme bush? Deliver unto me your vaginal verdict. Why, hello, Brett Favre, upset that no one is talking about your Viking horn anymore? Throw me a long dong pass.

Look, we all know the craving. And we all know that Twitter was originally called TwouserSnake*. Think of it like homosexuality – once a sin, now a sensation. Tweeting pictures of your private parts is the same thing. You just need to wait for the rest of society to catch up. Until then, there’s always @congressmembers.

Weiner-gate solved. You’re welcome, America.

*Not intended to be a factual statement.

Humans Are Fucked

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

And I have proof.

Normally I’m an upbeat guy. I like to always look on the bright side of life. But every now and then something comes along that reminds me the human race is doomed. Case in point: Pennsylvania state law requires hospitals and birth centers to tell new parents to not shake their baby. That’s right. The Pennsylvania State Legislature has decided that its citizenry is so dumb that they need to be told not to shake their newborn children. And not only do parents have to be told, they have to sign a form saying they were told – probably for when their dumbasses come crying because they shook their baby.

CT scanning is one technique used to diagnose Shaken Baby Syndrome and prove that we are delaying the inevitable.

Want to know what’s worse? Pennsylvania isn’t the only state with such a law. Here’s an incomplete list from the National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome. Again, that’s an incomplete list. There are more. Also, the National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome is a real thing. Capitalized title and everything. If you’re not thinking, “What the holy fuckstick?” than you are proof that the human race is doomed.

I know this is just a couple of states, but if you are of the mind that a human being’s home state does not effect how likely they are to shake their baby, then you are of the mind that we are so fucked.

So very, very fucked.

Dear Verizon,

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

When I read about your recent trouble with Ms. Betty Howard and her daughter-in-law Mrs. Marilynn Loveless, I instantly thought, “How can I help?”

I know that getting people to pay their bills on time can be hard. Getting them to pay bills for eternity is near impossible, especially if they’re dead. You can go the collections agency route and/or harass their living relatives, but what then? Why not let me help relieve the burden placed on your accounts receivable department?

Let’s cut out the middle man. When one of your customers dies, instead of sending bills, hiring a collections agency, or any of that, just tell me. After they are buried, I will rob their grave, pawn what I find, and give you the cash. How does that sound?

Think about it. The dead customer is the one that owes you, right? Why bother sending a bill to the next of kin? Just let me grab what I can in the middle of the night. Be it shoes, jewelry, a suit, some gold teeth, maybe a pacemaker, an artificial hip here or there – you’d be surprised what pawn shops will buy these days. The amount of money that those things are worth is your money. But it’s doing you no good when it’s buried six feet under. Am I right?

The economy is in bad shape. I understand, which is why I’m being proactive and creating new jobs that not only benefit me, but also benefit you, Verizon.

I can assure you I am the right man for this job. I have extensive digging experience and do not mind working a night shift.

Please feel free to contact me if you would like to talk more about this exciting offer or if you would like more information about my novel idea. I see a great future between us, one where you don’t have to deal with pesky next-of-kins and I don’t have to go to bed worried that I didn’t help our friendly, neighborhood conglomerate.

Sincerely,

Joe McVeigh
[address redacted]
[phone number redacted]
[email redacted]
http://and-read-all-over.blogspot.com

10 American Animals to Eat on Memorial Day

Joe McVeighLeave a comment

Memorial Day is almost upon us. If you don’t have your barbecue plans ready, you better get on them. In honor of America, the greatest country in the world (!), here’s a list of ten adorable and delicious animals to throw on your grill.

1. Gray Wolf (canis lupus)

Photo courtesy U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service

Mmmmmm. Just look at the choice cuts in that face and neck. Gray wolves are lean and mean on the outside, lean and chewy on the inside – perfect for supporting our jerky loving troops.

I recommend either marinated steaks on the grill or dried and salted strips as an appetizer.

2. Black-footed Ferret (Mustela nigripes)

Photo courtesy Brian Gratwicke/Flickr

Boy howdy, these little fuckers are fast. Took me nearly all day to catch my first one. That’s because I was trying to be all “eco-friendly” by using a net. Last time I’ll do that. Now I go out there with a double-barrel full of bird shot and I recommend you do the same. Pulling the pellets out at home is better than the sunburn you’ll get chasing these bastards across the plains for hours. Trust me.

I’ve tried this choice meat a few different ways, but found that they taste best when slow-roasted on a rotisserie. Add a little A-1 sauce and you’re good to go.

3. Ocelot (Leopardus pardalis)

Photo courtesy Ana Cotta/Flickr

Watch out! These cuddly little creatures will bite you! I learned the hard way with this one too. I thought it was purring, when it was actually plotting. Damn near bit my hand off. That particular ocelot tasted extra good, I’ll tell you what.

If you’ve ever had cat before, you’ll enjoy ocelot meat. If not, it takes some getting used to, but once you go ocelot, you never go oce-not! Hey-o!

4. Wood Bison (Bison bison athabascae)

Photo courtesy Angsar Walk

Bet you thought all the bison in North America were dead, didn’t you? Think again. These wood bison like to roam around up north in Canadia. Looks tasty, eh?

Steaks are the way to go with this one. If you’re lucky enough to get a whole bison back across the border, you’ll be eating good for months. If you know you’ll be cramped for space, I recommend dressing it up there.

5. North Atlantic Right Whale (Eubalaena glacialis)

Photo courtesy N.O.A.A.

Ahoy there, matey! Have your harpoon ready when this tasty treat comes up for some air. People on the east coast have been enjoying this meaty moby dick for centuries. Now’s the time to get yours.

If you know how to eat lobster, you know how to eat whale – lots and lots of butter.

6. California Condor (Gymnogyps californianus)

Photo courtesy U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service

This delectable may not sound like something you’ll want to serve your guests, but trust me – those who know, know. This is actually one of the tastiest consumers of rancid meat out there. While a condor’s meat is fine, just be sure to stay away from its stomach.

Don’t get me wrong, you’ll want to add plenty of salts and spices. I recommend serving this bird of dead prey gutted and on a platter with an apple in its mouth.

7. Jaguar (Panthera onca)

Photo courtesy Pascal Blachier/Flickr

If that adorable face doesn’t say “eat me,” I don’t know what does. This jaguar is practically begging you to kill it and take it home for supper. Jaguar meat is like ocelot meat, only better. More juicy somehow.

As the old saying goes, there’s more than one way to skin a cat. I suggest you be creative with this one. It’s really hard to mess up jaguar meat, so don’t be shy. You never know, you might just discover a truly extraordinary way to enjoy jaguar meat.

8. Leatherback Sea Turtle (Dermochelys coriacea)

Photo courtesy qnr/Flickr

The ultimate pre-dinner soup right here. Also, be sure to really impress your guests by serving American flag cupcakes in the hollowed out shell.

9. Florida Panther (Puma concolor coryi)

Photo courtesy U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service

I have to be honest, I’m not too crazy about Florida panther meat. I don’t like the hockey team much either. But my southern friends and family rave about it. It’s probably because Florida panther meat does not travel well. By the time it gets up to us northern folk, it’s dry as a bone and almost as tasteless. So next time you’re down on the Everglades, be sure to give it try. Just don’t bring any home with you.

Because of how poorly it travels, I recommend having this feline delicacy right where you grab it. Over a campfire and a song would be the best.

10. Hammerhead Shark (Sphyrna mokarran)

Photo courtesy hyku/Flickr

Not as tasty as the great white, but at least this fish is American! USA! USA! USA!

Ironically, you’ll want to use a meat hammer here to tenderize the meat before cooking. Any old hammer will work, really, but if you’re doing it in front of guests, it’s probably best to keep things clean.

That’s it, my fellow Americans. Have a safe, happy, and tasty Memorial Day weekend. And don’t forget to let me know how cooking went in the comments.

Zach Kopplin – 1, Christian Idiots – 0

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http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32545640

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

That was Zach Kopplin fighting the good fight… of science.

From Bobby Henderson of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster:

Here’s a video of Zack Kopplin on Hardball last night. Zack is the student battling the Lousiana Science Education Act – a law that would allow “supplemental textbooks and other teaching materials” into science classrooms. Zack saw this (correctly) as a backdoor method to teach Creationism and has been leading the fight against it.

Mr. Kopplin also throws down the gauntlet for Michele Bachmann, who has claimed that Nobel Laureates support Creationism. Guess what? 43 Nobel Laureates have pledged support for Zach Kopplin. This is the second high schooler to challenge Bachmann on facts. If you’ll remember Amy Myers, high school sophomore from New Jersey, wants to debate Bachmann on US Civics and History. I hope neither one of them holds their breath waiting for Bachmann to back up her “facts.”

Anyways, what Mr. Kopplin is doing is as bold as is it noble. It unfortunately also points out the state of affairs, when a 17-year-old has to stand up for the students of his state because the Christian adults are trying to push their belief systems on other people’s children. But you got to admit, it’s a pretty aggressive form of proselytizing. It could be called spreading the good word, if it wasn’t trying to rid the education system of good words like, oh, science, evolution, rationality, etc.

Remember, missionaries, you catch more flies with honey…