Dear Verizon,

When I read about your recent trouble with Ms. Betty Howard and her daughter-in-law Mrs. Marilynn Loveless, I instantly thought, “How can I help?”

I know that getting people to pay their bills on time can be hard. Getting them to pay bills for eternity is near impossible, especially if they’re dead. You can go the collections agency route and/or harass their living relatives, but what then? Why not let me help relieve the burden placed on your accounts receivable department?

Let’s cut out the middle man. When one of your customers dies, instead of sending bills, hiring a collections agency, or any of that, just tell me. After they are buried, I will rob their grave, pawn what I find, and give you the cash. How does that sound?

Think about it. The dead customer is the one that owes you, right? Why bother sending a bill to the next of kin? Just let me grab what I can in the middle of the night. Be it shoes, jewelry, a suit, some gold teeth, maybe a pacemaker, an artificial hip here or there – you’d be surprised what pawn shops will buy these days. The amount of money that those things are worth is your money. But it’s doing you no good when it’s buried six feet under. Am I right?

The economy is in bad shape. I understand, which is why I’m being proactive and creating new jobs that not only benefit me, but also benefit you, Verizon.

I can assure you I am the right man for this job. I have extensive digging experience and do not mind working a night shift.

Please feel free to contact me if you would like to talk more about this exciting offer or if you would like more information about my novel idea. I see a great future between us, one where you don’t have to deal with pesky next-of-kins and I don’t have to go to bed worried that I didn’t help our friendly, neighborhood conglomerate.


Joe McVeigh
[address redacted]
[phone number redacted]
[email redacted]