UPDATED JUNE 23, 2011: Who’s Afraid of Ai WeiWei?

The Chinese government is, that’s who.

Read More:
NPR
Language Log

UPDATE: Here’s the Salty Droid’s thoughts on this whole thing. Chinese government oppression = winning! Chinese people’s freedoms = not so much.

UPDATE: Introducing the Ai WeiWei Fuck Off Bookmarklet! This will at the very lease provide some release. Haven’t you ever wanted to give a website the finger? This one perhaps…

UPDATE – JUNE 1, 2011: Cuban artist Geandy Pavon wasn’t content with just telling websites to fuck off with a silly little bookmarklet, so he took it one step further and told the Chinese to fuck off by projecting Ai WeiWei’s face on the Chinese consulate in NYC. Awesome balls-of-steel move by Pavon found via the Salty Droid. Spread the word.

UPDATE – The New York Times is reporting that Ai WeiWei has been released on “bail.” He will most likely still face charges of tax evasion, but it seems like the Chinese have bowed to international pressure. Sorry to all the other dissidents currently being held and tortured.

How Facebook Can Cure Your Depression & Improve Your Self-Esteem

Are you feeling down in the dumps? Has pressure at work got you stressed out? Do you feel like one of those depressed losers that are always on TV? Are you one of those depressed losers on TV?

Well, well, well, have I got some good news for you? I have just finished researching and developing a system that is 100% guaranteed to kick those blues. 100% sure to turn that frown upside down! 100% proven to keep you from being such an annoying depressed little shit!

It’s called Dr. Joe McVeigh’s Facebook Uphoria Creator & Dignity Umptulator (FUCKU) and with just 3 easy steps, it will have you happier and more self-confident than Lil John at a senior prom. But let me allow the program speak for itself.

Step 1:

Go on Facebook and befriend everyone you went to high school with – the losers, the twats, the trouser stains – the people you never wanted to see again. Don’t worry about these people not accepting your friend request. They won’t. At this stage in the game, they need you more than you need them.

Step 2:

Monitor their status updates. Take careful note of how inane and inconsequential they truly are. Keep a careful eye out for updates with that weepy, poor-me shit.

Step 3:

Take great satisfaction out of the fact that you are not these losers that you are now “friends” with. Earn self-esteem from their sad, pitiful lives.

Step 4 (Bonus step!):

Have fun! Have a drink, go dancing, bump some lines, play some Russian roulette – do whatever you want until you get depressed again and need to log back into Facebook.

Don’t wait! For three easy payments of $24.99, you too could find out how Facebook can sure your depression & improve your self-esteem with my patented FUCKU program. Operators are standing by.

Call now.

The Atomic Number of "Blackened"

Some albums have opening tracks that both blow you away and tell you how awesome the rest of the record will be. It’s like the opening track is warning you that you’re in for some serious ear banging. Like first track is merely an opening salvo that lands like a kick to the teeth. The Ramones first album and Screeching Weasel’s Boogadaboogadaboogada jump to mind.

But by far, an album that best fits this description is Metallica’s …And Justice For All. “Blackened” is a mind-fuckingly awesome opening track on the band’s pinnacle record. It’s arguable that when Armageddon comes, it will arrive to the sound of “Blackened.”

As YouTube commenter abvflux put it best:
THIS FUCKING SONG NEEDS TO BE ON THE PERIODIC TABLE.

Amen.

There is no other way to convey how nails “Blackened” is. Never!

All the Fake News That’s Fit to Reprint

In yet another case of a news organization being duped by The Onion, the New York Times printed a picture of a fake Tiger Beat magazine with President Barack Obama on the cover, even though the picture was straight out of The Onion and therefore totes fake.

As Joe Pompeo notes in a Yahoo! News blog, this is certainly not the first time this has happened:

Back in 2002, the Beijing Evening News fell for a gag about the U.S. Congress demanding a new Capitol building with a retractable dome. In 2009, two Bangladeshi newspapers were duped by The Onion’s spoof validating fringe conspiracy theories that the 1969 moon landing was a hoax. More recently, Fox Nation fell for the outlandish headline, “Frustrated Obama Sends Nation Rambling 75,000-Word E-Mail.”

But still, at least one question remains: What in the hell was the New York Times doing printing a picture of Tiger Beat Magazine? According to their redaction, the article it appeared in was “about how the original teen-girl tabloid has remained virtually unchanged since its inception in 1965.” So? Is this what waits for me behind that New York Times paywall? Fucking articles about Tiger Beat magazine – articles about Tiger Beat Magazine that aren’t even fact-checked. Christalmighty.

In related news, I’m currently working my way through The Onion’s Our Front Pages book. I highly recommend it.

What Do Aliens Think of the Zumba?

Let’s say that an alien has come to Earth on a research mission. He wants to know what Earthlings are like. So he gets a furnished apartment, he arrives in secret, and he let’s his home planet know he’s made it to Earth safe and sound.

He knows almost nothing about Earthlings, but he’s all ready to learn. So he turns on his TV and sees this:

What the hell would he think of humanity? What do you think his first report back to his planet would say?

[I chose Zumba for this post, but really any workout video/commercial could work just as well. Am I the only person fascinated by those things?]