Translate "Suboptimal Productivity Drivers" and Win a Dictionary

Stan Carey of Sentence First and Macmillan Dictionary Blog fame has set up a challenge at the Macmillan Dictionary Blog. He has written a letter in “business-speak” and tasked readers to translate it. One winner will receive a Macmillan Dictionary of their choice. Below is the opening of the letter. Follow this link to read the rest and participate.

Dear employee,

It has come to our attention that productivity drivers are suboptimal, which clearly impacts performance deliverables. We have touched base with HQ and undergone a period of extensive consultation. Actioning this decision-making process requires frontminding streamlined competencies. We anticipate a needs-based harmonisation gap in employee feelings vis-à-vis these necessary outcomes, but we are tasked with maximising the ball-parking of our projected equity outcomes.

My translation of that paragraph is:

Underling,

You have failed yet again, which means the company is failing because of you. The powers that be know of your failings. They have given us the authority to act swiftly and brutally. For the good of the company, you will be granted no mercy.

Go here to see the rest of my translation.

Good luck and happy translating!

Image courtesy of the Macmillan Dictionary Blog.

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UPDATED: Last Chance to Buy Advertising on Family Radio Before the Rapture

Want to reach the multitudes before it’s too late? Worried that you’ll head into Armageddon without sufficient funds to rule the damned? Afraid that you’ve missed the opportunity to shuck your goods to scores upon scores of mindless droids?

Image Courtesy of Family Radio

Well, worry no longer my friends. As the marketing manager for Family Radio*, I am the only person on God’s green-for-now Earth to give you the opportunity to reach your potential customers before it’s too late. This is a golden calf opportunity (no pun intended, praise Jesus, Amen).

Hurry now and you will receive exclusive advertising rights on Family Radio, the station that everyone will be listening to this weekend. In between the predictions of Mr. Harold Camping, listeners could be hearing about your product. Maybe it’s SPF-4,500 sunscreen for the impending hell on Earth. Maybe it’s nostril plugs to keep the stench of burning sinners’ flesh out of your nose. Maybe it’s hot dogs and marshmallows to roast over the pits of hellfire that will rise up from the bowels.

Whatever it is, seize the opportunity and get your word out there! Call now and you’ll get exclusive advertising on Family Radio for the low, low price of $150,000 per 30-second commercial. This deal won’t last long, folks. Glory be to God and thanks be to me for offering you the last advertising opportunity ever.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – $150,000 sounds like an awful lot for a 30-second commercial. Sure it does. You’re completely right. Only an idiot would pay that kind of money. Only an idiot on any other day, that is. But you’re not an idiot and this is not any other day – this is the last day of the world. After Saturday, only sinners and the damned will be left on the Earth. You’re going to need some serious loot to stay ahead in that condemned world. You have to spend money to make money, amiright?

Just think about the potential audience for tomorrow’s broadcast. Not only will the faithful be listening, but all those naysayers as well. And it’s all those naysayers – the majority of tomorrow’s audience – that are sure they’ll be around come Sunday. Those are the dopes that will buy your product and ensure you’ll have a leg up when Ol’ Johnny Scratch, a.k.a. Beelzebub, rolls around. I’m sure he would appreciate a person that seized such a momentous opportunity to make money off of other people’s suffering.

But don’t wait until it’s too late! Grab the devil by the horns and enter the Rapture a rich man! (Or woman – bitches’ monies is green as well)

Call now.

UPDATE: Due to unforeseen circumstances, the opportunity to buy advertising on Family Radio has been extended indefinitely.

*self-appointed and completely fabricated position

Robert Burchfield. Teacher. Lexicographer. Original Gangster.

Before Tupac and Biggie. Before Dre and Snoop. Shit, before even Schoolly D and Ice-T, there was Robert Burchfield.

Robert Burchfield was straight gangstar. Robert Burchfield was the Suge Knight of lexicography. No, fuck that, Suge Knight is the Robert Burchfield of rapping. Respect.

Peep this: In 1957, the Oxford English Dictionary was mad out of date. The Oxford University Press needed to update that shit and they needed to do it quick. How could they call themselves a bastion of the English language when their dictionary was so old-school? Shit was whack.

The OUP knew they had to get the freshest gangsta around to edit their OED – the OG Robert Burchfield. They knew players would be hatin’ on him and his editing skillz, but they knew it had to be done. Shit would have been even more whack if they didn’t get RWB, yo.

Pictured: R to the Obert, B to the Urchfield.

Shit, you don’t think RWB knew peeps would be hating on his OED Supplement? Robert Burchfield was realer than real deal Holyfield. You think he didn’t know that shit? He knew – homeboy just didn’t care. He published that shit anywayz. It was his job to tell the world about the English language, not their job to tell him about it. Robert Burchfield took the English language and said, “It’s like and like this and like that and uh.” If punk ass bitches didn’t like it, they could come and get theirs.

And they tried to front too, writing him letters saying they would cap his ass for his edits to the OED. But all them letters were anonymous, surprise surprise, because cowards were scared of the OG Burchfield. Bitch ass death threats from fakers didn’t faze RWB, ya heard. Robert Burchfield kept rolling, slinging his dictionary papers and pimping knowledge like nobody’s bizness.

RWB went to that great editing room in the sky in 2004. But now that y’all know who the original gangsta is, you best show respect.

RIP OG RWB.

The Lightening Farmer

Friends, there is a new contender for The Best Image in the World for the Back of a Denim Jacket and it is awesome on many levels.

Behold, The Lightening Farmer:

If you’ll remember, the current champion is Jeff Beck’s Guitar Delivering Eagle of Glory:

Although The Lightening Farmer is fresh on the scene, it’s hard to argue that it wouldn’t make a bitching addition to any Levi’s Stud Coat. The frazzy-haired groupies would straight pass out when you let them know it’s a picture of what you plan on doing with her for the next 50 years – having her use your power rod to capture some lightening in her honey jar.

Jersey Girls Rule, Rep. Michele Bachmann Drools

Cherry Hill, NJ, resident Amy Myers has openly challenged Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann to a debate on the US Constitution, US History, and US Civics. The interesting part? Amy Myers is a sophomore in high school.

The story seems to come from a letter dated April 29, which was then uploaded to CNN’s iReport on May 6. After that, the rest is history, as the story was picked up by Nick Pinto of Minneapolis’ City Pages, Andy Birkey of the Minnesota Independent, and Richard Metzger of Dangerous Minds. And, yes, of course there’s a Facebook page for the cause.

Pictured: Ol’ Crazy Eyes

If Amy Myers of Cherry Hill New Jersey really exists, then I applaud her. If she’s a really real person who really made this challenge, then there are two very important things that could come out of such a debate. One, as Richard Metzger said, he “would pay good money to see [this debate].” He then made the point of how much money could be raised for a women’s charity from such a debate. It could be for a good cause, Michele…

Two, Amy Myers says to Rep. Bachmann in the letter that “The statements you make help to serve an injustice to not only the position of Congresswoman, but women everywhere. Though politically expedient, incorrect comments cast a shadow on your person and by unfortunate proxy, both your supporters and detractors alike often generalize this shadow to women as a whole.” Well, let me be the first to say that the statements Amy makes help to serve a justice to Jersey gals everywhere, who, by unfortunate proxy, often get a bad rap.

So big up yourself, Amy Myers. If you really exist, that is.

Oh man, I hope this is for real.

Gorey Fonts Galore!

OK, not really “galore,” but I did find two fonts based on the artwork and handwriting of the late, great Edward Gorey, author of The Curious Sofa, The Doubtful Guest, and probably most famously, The Gashlycrumb Tinies. “A is for Amy who fell down the stairs…”

The first is called simply Gorey font (follow the link to download). It “was built over the course of an afternoon in 2001 by Dame Hex.” Daniel Steinberg made it play nice with OSX. You can see a sample of it in that fancy new title banner above. Ooh la la, n’est pas?

You’ll have to Googlize the second font, since its creator’s download site seems to be down. It’s called OgdredWeary (an anagram of “Edward Gorey”) and there are many sites offering it for download. You can check out a sample of it below.

The World’s Greatest Superhero

My favorite hero, Superman, has just been ranked first in IGN’s 100 Greatest Comic Book Heroes list. He also just renounced his American citizenship in Action Comics #900, a book that was apparently a bit of a let down for some (I’m still buying it). I’m assuming Clark Kent is still as American as apple pie, so this headline-grabbing plot line isn’t as insane as you would think.

But I thought this would be a perfect time to link to my old hang out, Better Than Sliced Bread, where I first espoused my manlove for Supes.

It’s also a way for me to post a question that in no way needs to be answered – you know, the type of question that comic book nerds will spend hours answering. I know there’s a lot of Superman haters out there, but if we could choose any major superhero to become real, wouldn’t we choose Superman?

Image from IGN. I have no idea who the artist is. Readers?