The Atomic Number of "Blackened"

Some albums have opening tracks that both blow you away and tell you how awesome the rest of the record will be. It’s like the opening track is warning you that you’re in for some serious ear banging. Like first track is merely an opening salvo that lands like a kick to the teeth. The Ramones first album and Screeching Weasel’s Boogadaboogadaboogada jump to mind.

But by far, an album that best fits this description is Metallica’s …And Justice For All. “Blackened” is a mind-fuckingly awesome opening track on the band’s pinnacle record. It’s arguable that when Armageddon comes, it will arrive to the sound of “Blackened.”

As YouTube commenter abvflux put it best:
THIS FUCKING SONG NEEDS TO BE ON THE PERIODIC TABLE.

Amen.

There is no other way to convey how nails “Blackened” is. Never!

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New Look at …And Read All Over

Just wanted to let everyone know that I got sick of the way the site used to look so I changed it. I’m going with this simple theme until I figure out what I like. This minimalism looks kind of nice, though, don’t it?

All the Fake News That’s Fit to Reprint

In yet another case of a news organization being duped by The Onion, the New York Times printed a picture of a fake Tiger Beat magazine with President Barack Obama on the cover, even though the picture was straight out of The Onion and therefore totes fake.

As Joe Pompeo notes in a Yahoo! News blog, this is certainly not the first time this has happened:

Back in 2002, the Beijing Evening News fell for a gag about the U.S. Congress demanding a new Capitol building with a retractable dome. In 2009, two Bangladeshi newspapers were duped by The Onion’s spoof validating fringe conspiracy theories that the 1969 moon landing was a hoax. More recently, Fox Nation fell for the outlandish headline, “Frustrated Obama Sends Nation Rambling 75,000-Word E-Mail.”

But still, at least one question remains: What in the hell was the New York Times doing printing a picture of Tiger Beat Magazine? According to their redaction, the article it appeared in was “about how the original teen-girl tabloid has remained virtually unchanged since its inception in 1965.” So? Is this what waits for me behind that New York Times paywall? Fucking articles about Tiger Beat magazine – articles about Tiger Beat Magazine that aren’t even fact-checked. Christalmighty.

In related news, I’m currently working my way through The Onion’s Our Front Pages book. I highly recommend it.

What Do Aliens Think of the Zumba?

Let’s say that an alien has come to Earth on a research mission. He wants to know what Earthlings are like. So he gets a furnished apartment, he arrives in secret, and he let’s his home planet know he’s made it to Earth safe and sound.

He knows almost nothing about Earthlings, but he’s all ready to learn. So he turns on his TV and sees this:

What the hell would he think of humanity? What do you think his first report back to his planet would say?

[I chose Zumba for this post, but really any workout video/commercial could work just as well. Am I the only person fascinated by those things?]

Missing Links – 4.22 – It’s Been Real Edition

The Missing Links is just what it sounds like – a collection of links to interesting things I found on the interwebs this week. I hope you enjoy them. This is the thirteenth in a never-ending series. There was no Missing Links column last week because I was busy, dammit.

This will also be the last Missing Links column. I started Missing Links as a way to post more often, but it has been taking up all my time. From now on, if I see something that I think deserves mentioning, I’ll write a short post and link to it.

Winner! Pat Tillman’s brother was interviewed on Bill Maher and Dangerous Minds grabbed the video. No matter what your views on Bill Maher are, check out Tillman’s brother, Richard Tillman, who has no trouble speaking his mind, and who I believe he has every right to do. Also included is a link to their other post which has the videos for the true story behind Pat Tillman’s death and the Army’s attempt to cover it up.
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A Close Second: Does a church decorated with human skeletons sound like something from a horror story to you? Well, as they say, life imitates art because there are not one, but a couple of churches like this. Seriously creepy. Photos below and after the jump.
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Best in Show: Unsuck It, the site that translates business jargon phrases like “win-win,” “actionable,” and “reach out to” into what they really mean.
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And this week’s Crazypants Award goes to… the Republican candidates for president in 2012, who, believe it or not, all raised taxes while in office. Just my two cents, but raising and lowering taxes isn’t the answer. The answer is what you do with taxes. Do you pad the pockets of the rich? Or do you help the poor and disadvantaged? Do you piss it away? Or do you monitor the payoff?

A bone chandelier from the Sedlac Ossuary, a.k.a. the Eighth Level of Hell (courtesy asw909/flickr)

I didn’t know about this study when it came out, but healthcare costs were the number one source of bankruptcy in 2009. Does anyone really think America doesn’t need healthcare reform?
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In honor of the 150th anniversary of the Civil War, the A.V. Club Philadelphia invented a drinking game with Ken Burns’ Civil War documentary that is sure to make you remember what all went down in those dark days – like, way better than those pesky books could ever do.
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Have you heard of the dispicable use of bear bile in traditional Chinese medicine? If you haven’t, here’s an article describing the horrifying business. The pracitice of extracting bile from living bears is worse than it sounds and worse than I can phrase here.
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The Anthology of Rap has been out for a couple of months now and is available on Amazon for under $25. The book is almost 900 pages of rap lyrics – no beats, just text. NPR sat down with a book reviewer to ask what he thought of the songs after he read the lyrics compared to after he heard the music. It’s very interesting and I want to pick up a copy, but there are too many errors in the transcriptions to warrant a purchase just yet. Waiting for the second edition…

A Language Link to Peeve You Off (Peeve? Does Anybody Say That?)

Johnson is peeved by people who insist that healthy can’t do double-duty. But guess what? It can and does. So do lots of other words, dummies.

Want another picture from the crazy bone churches? You got it, ace.

This is a goddam coat of arms made out of bones. Sweet dreams. (courtesy Irumiha/flickr)

The Missing Links – 4.8 – Hey! Ho! Let’s Go! Edition

The Missing Links is just what it sounds like – a collection of links to interesting things I found on the interwebs this week. I hope you enjoy them. This is the eleventh in a never-ending series.

Winner! The Ramones, or the band that I have decided to listen listen to exclusively. For those of you not informed, The A.V. Club has a great introduction to the Ramones and their work. Gabba Gabba Hey.
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A Close Second: mental_floss has a really great article on Marvin Gaye’s What’s Going On
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Best in Show: Maps of War has a really cool 90-second video showing the kingdoms that have ruled the Middle East. Really cool. Now I want to read a book on Middle Eastern history. Any suggestions?
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And this week’s Crazypants Award goes to… Cheesus

Are you in favor of old white women governing what goes on in your balls? Or old white men governing what goes on in your vag? What does your invisible man in the sky tell you? Here’s what the FSM has to say.
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Speaking of God and stuff, I bet you’re wondering if the Bible says you can stone that gay couple that just moved in down the street. Not for being gay, you can’t. If you see them picking up wood on Saturday, on the other hand…
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The New York Times has an interesting article on the mathematics of ancient Babylonia. And, yes, the history of math is interesting.
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Have you seen my stapler?

Language Js

The Hot Word on the history of the letter J
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English in the twentieth century, according to the OED.

The Missing Links – 4.1 – April Fools’ Day Edition

This post was published yesterday, on Friday, just like all the other Missing Links posts. April Fools. Whah whah whah.

The Missing Links is just what it sounds like – a collection of links to interesting things I found on the interwebs this week. I hope you enjoy them. This is the tenth in a never-ending series.

Winner! Historically Hardcore, a series of Smithsonian ads created by Jenny Burrows and Matt Kepler, highlights how much more hardcore historical figures were than modern day rockers and rappers. The ads were not sanctioned by the Smithsonian, however. See why after the jump.
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A Close Second: Women asking for equal pay is the same as children demanding candy and mentally handicapped people lashing out violently. So says Major Douche Bag Scott Admas, who created the comic Dilbert. Warning: Do not investigate beyond this link. It’s just going to piss you off more.
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Best in Show: Thankfully, when the world ends on May 21, 2011, I will be at a wedding reception for two dear friends (Ramino forever!). But here’s a few people that, shall we say, miscalculated the end of days.
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And this week’s Crazypants Award goes to… Rick Santorum! Rick Santorum is still a piece of shit. And still worthy of his synonym.

One of the Historically Hardcore ads by Burrows and Kepler

Indi Cowie wants to be the best female soccer player and freestyler in the world. I think she’s well on her way to that end.
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Spam Recycling is a cool thing to do with your emails from that Nigerian prince.
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Love the Liberry is a great blog that offers insight into the bat shit crazy things that liberrians have to deal with everyday.
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A letter from Lois Lane to Warner Bros. In it, the real Lois Lane (the late Joanne Siegel, wife of Superman co-creator) describes the ways that WB CEO Jeffrey Bewkes and co. has tried to screw her and her family over. Truth, justice, and… fuck you.
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Willie Nelson has been offered the option of singing his way out of a marijuana charge. And there’s nothing I can do about it now.
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Introducing… Gmail Motion – the future of writing emails!

Political links that are sure to depress you

It seems almost pointless to do this, but here it is: the VP of Fox News admits to intentionally lying on air. I find it amazing that the lying part is not what surprises me. But then again, there’s a reason I don’t watch Fox News…

Language Links that couldn’t find their butts with both hands:

Here’s a few Texan sayings for you. One of my favorites: If I ordered a whole trainload of sons of bitches, and they only sent him, I’d accept the shipment.