Weekly World News on Google Books

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I’ve been an avid fan of the Weekly World News since I was just a young buck who still believed that there was no such thing as redneck aliens. It was a sad day for me when “the world’s only reliable newspaper” released it’s last issue.

But I am very pleased to report that back issues of the Weekly World News are available on Google Books. And by back issues, I mean they go all the way back to 1985. Got plans this weekend? You do now.

One of my favorite stories. When I asked my high school morality teacher, who was a Catholic priest, if the church considered this wrong, he said, “No because deers don’t know any better.” And that is one of my favorite high school memories, boys and girls.

I’ll never forget when I read Neil Gaiman’s Fragile Things and he admitted to “having much fun making up stories” for his friend at the WWN to use. I thought, “Aha! I knew it!” But really, I didn’t need proof. I always liked the way the Weekly World News never let on that their articles were full of it. To me, they were the poor man’s Onion and were sometimes, if not often, just as good.

The full archive of Weekly World News papers starts at 2007 goes back from there. They also have a website (where they are slightly more forthcoming about their truthiness), a Facebook page, a store which sells books and t-shirts, and, I kid you not, Bat Boy: The Musical. Coming soon to a theater near you.

Michele Bachmann Follows @congressmembers on Twitter*

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Michele Bachmann has become the first politician to jump on the @congressmembers bus. I applaud this move. It shows that she’s not afraid to take chances, be brave, and help the country move beyond Weinergate.

I am actively awaiting Michele to tweet me her twat, but until the sexual spirit moves her, why don’t you enjoy this lovely picture that appeared in my inbox today. I know I did.

I was going to update the previous post with this news, but I thought it deserved a post all on its own. Here’s hoping @SarahPalinUSA gets on board with this movement.

*Intended to be a factual statement… cause it totally is.

Introducing… @congressmembers

Joe McVeigh1 Comment

Friends, Congressmen, Countrymen,

Tweet me your dong.

I understand. You want to send people pictures of your wiener. You need to send people pictures of your ding-a-ling. But alas, not everyone wants to receive pictures of your pecker. What are you supposed to do when the pressure builds up? It’s too much for a politician to take.

That’s what I’m here for. I have created @congressmembers, a Twitter profile that promises to be a safe haven for your interwebs sexcapades. No longer will you have to worry about sending pictures of your sausage to young girls who may turn around and show them to ABC. Send them to me instead. I promise to not let anyone else see. You’ll get the release you need. No one will have to resign. And no one will have to do an interview with Meredith Vieira. And that’s what really matters.

The safe haven for pictures of wangs.

Look, as a bonafide, certified doctor. I can understand the pressure that you’re under. You’re sitting there in your office – smartphone in one hand, meat whistle in the other – and no one to share your excitement. With the Twitterverse is just a finger tap away, what’s stopping you from tweeting a picture of your winky to that cute girl who follows you? She looks reasonable. Hey, she’s in college, that’s saying something, right?

No! Don’t do it, congressman! You don’t want to go down that road. Why don’t you tweet your pork snake portfolio to me instead? It’ll stay between the two of us. Promise. Really, no questions asked. You’ll feel satisfied that your smartphone didn’t go to waste and I’ll feel satisfied that some poor, innocent college chick didn’t have to see your one-eyed warrior.

There. Now isn’t that better?

For the non-congressmen out there reading this, I’d like to take this time to note that @congressmembers is not solely for males or politicians. Hey there, Elena Kagan, gotta feed the need to show someone your Supreme bush? Deliver unto me your vaginal verdict. Why, hello, Brett Favre, upset that no one is talking about your Viking horn anymore? Throw me a long dong pass.

Look, we all know the craving. And we all know that Twitter was originally called TwouserSnake*. Think of it like homosexuality – once a sin, now a sensation. Tweeting pictures of your private parts is the same thing. You just need to wait for the rest of society to catch up. Until then, there’s always @congressmembers.

Weiner-gate solved. You’re welcome, America.

*Not intended to be a factual statement.

Humans Are Fucked

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And I have proof.

Normally I’m an upbeat guy. I like to always look on the bright side of life. But every now and then something comes along that reminds me the human race is doomed. Case in point: Pennsylvania state law requires hospitals and birth centers to tell new parents to not shake their baby. That’s right. The Pennsylvania State Legislature has decided that its citizenry is so dumb that they need to be told not to shake their newborn children. And not only do parents have to be told, they have to sign a form saying they were told – probably for when their dumbasses come crying because they shook their baby.

CT scanning is one technique used to diagnose Shaken Baby Syndrome and prove that we are delaying the inevitable.

Want to know what’s worse? Pennsylvania isn’t the only state with such a law. Here’s an incomplete list from the National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome. Again, that’s an incomplete list. There are more. Also, the National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome is a real thing. Capitalized title and everything. If you’re not thinking, “What the holy fuckstick?” than you are proof that the human race is doomed.

I know this is just a couple of states, but if you are of the mind that a human being’s home state does not effect how likely they are to shake their baby, then you are of the mind that we are so fucked.

So very, very fucked.

Schott’s Vocab I Hardly Knew Ye

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To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;

I didn’t want to believe it, but it seems it’s true. Schott’s Vocab of the New York Times is no more. In the final post, entitled Such Sweet Sorrow, Ben Schott writes:

After two and a half years, thousands of posts and tens of thousands of comments, Schott’s Vocab is closing its doors.

I first came across the wonderful Schott’s Vocab blog in January of this year. I found the famous Weekend Competition, which asked for New Year’s linguistic resolutions. I promptly told them I had resolved to speak more like Snoop Dogg. To my surprise and amazement, my comment was highlighted. I was hooked.

Truth be told, I would have been hooked anyways. Highlighting my comment was merely like adding icing to my cake. Schott’s Vocab was a daily source of mirth for language nuts. And I loved it.

Fo’ shizzle my blizzle.

Dear Verizon,

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When I read about your recent trouble with Ms. Betty Howard and her daughter-in-law Mrs. Marilynn Loveless, I instantly thought, “How can I help?”

I know that getting people to pay their bills on time can be hard. Getting them to pay bills for eternity is near impossible, especially if they’re dead. You can go the collections agency route and/or harass their living relatives, but what then? Why not let me help relieve the burden placed on your accounts receivable department?

Let’s cut out the middle man. When one of your customers dies, instead of sending bills, hiring a collections agency, or any of that, just tell me. After they are buried, I will rob their grave, pawn what I find, and give you the cash. How does that sound?

Think about it. The dead customer is the one that owes you, right? Why bother sending a bill to the next of kin? Just let me grab what I can in the middle of the night. Be it shoes, jewelry, a suit, some gold teeth, maybe a pacemaker, an artificial hip here or there – you’d be surprised what pawn shops will buy these days. The amount of money that those things are worth is your money. But it’s doing you no good when it’s buried six feet under. Am I right?

The economy is in bad shape. I understand, which is why I’m being proactive and creating new jobs that not only benefit me, but also benefit you, Verizon.

I can assure you I am the right man for this job. I have extensive digging experience and do not mind working a night shift.

Please feel free to contact me if you would like to talk more about this exciting offer or if you would like more information about my novel idea. I see a great future between us, one where you don’t have to deal with pesky next-of-kins and I don’t have to go to bed worried that I didn’t help our friendly, neighborhood conglomerate.

Sincerely,

Joe McVeigh
[address redacted]
[phone number redacted]
[email redacted]
http://and-read-all-over.blogspot.com

10 American Animals to Eat on Memorial Day

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Memorial Day is almost upon us. If you don’t have your barbecue plans ready, you better get on them. In honor of America, the greatest country in the world (!), here’s a list of ten adorable and delicious animals to throw on your grill.

1. Gray Wolf (canis lupus)

Photo courtesy U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service

Mmmmmm. Just look at the choice cuts in that face and neck. Gray wolves are lean and mean on the outside, lean and chewy on the inside – perfect for supporting our jerky loving troops.

I recommend either marinated steaks on the grill or dried and salted strips as an appetizer.

2. Black-footed Ferret (Mustela nigripes)

Photo courtesy Brian Gratwicke/Flickr

Boy howdy, these little fuckers are fast. Took me nearly all day to catch my first one. That’s because I was trying to be all “eco-friendly” by using a net. Last time I’ll do that. Now I go out there with a double-barrel full of bird shot and I recommend you do the same. Pulling the pellets out at home is better than the sunburn you’ll get chasing these bastards across the plains for hours. Trust me.

I’ve tried this choice meat a few different ways, but found that they taste best when slow-roasted on a rotisserie. Add a little A-1 sauce and you’re good to go.

3. Ocelot (Leopardus pardalis)

Photo courtesy Ana Cotta/Flickr

Watch out! These cuddly little creatures will bite you! I learned the hard way with this one too. I thought it was purring, when it was actually plotting. Damn near bit my hand off. That particular ocelot tasted extra good, I’ll tell you what.

If you’ve ever had cat before, you’ll enjoy ocelot meat. If not, it takes some getting used to, but once you go ocelot, you never go oce-not! Hey-o!

4. Wood Bison (Bison bison athabascae)

Photo courtesy Angsar Walk

Bet you thought all the bison in North America were dead, didn’t you? Think again. These wood bison like to roam around up north in Canadia. Looks tasty, eh?

Steaks are the way to go with this one. If you’re lucky enough to get a whole bison back across the border, you’ll be eating good for months. If you know you’ll be cramped for space, I recommend dressing it up there.

5. North Atlantic Right Whale (Eubalaena glacialis)

Photo courtesy N.O.A.A.

Ahoy there, matey! Have your harpoon ready when this tasty treat comes up for some air. People on the east coast have been enjoying this meaty moby dick for centuries. Now’s the time to get yours.

If you know how to eat lobster, you know how to eat whale – lots and lots of butter.

6. California Condor (Gymnogyps californianus)

Photo courtesy U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service

This delectable may not sound like something you’ll want to serve your guests, but trust me – those who know, know. This is actually one of the tastiest consumers of rancid meat out there. While a condor’s meat is fine, just be sure to stay away from its stomach.

Don’t get me wrong, you’ll want to add plenty of salts and spices. I recommend serving this bird of dead prey gutted and on a platter with an apple in its mouth.

7. Jaguar (Panthera onca)

Photo courtesy Pascal Blachier/Flickr

If that adorable face doesn’t say “eat me,” I don’t know what does. This jaguar is practically begging you to kill it and take it home for supper. Jaguar meat is like ocelot meat, only better. More juicy somehow.

As the old saying goes, there’s more than one way to skin a cat. I suggest you be creative with this one. It’s really hard to mess up jaguar meat, so don’t be shy. You never know, you might just discover a truly extraordinary way to enjoy jaguar meat.

8. Leatherback Sea Turtle (Dermochelys coriacea)

Photo courtesy qnr/Flickr

The ultimate pre-dinner soup right here. Also, be sure to really impress your guests by serving American flag cupcakes in the hollowed out shell.

9. Florida Panther (Puma concolor coryi)

Photo courtesy U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service

I have to be honest, I’m not too crazy about Florida panther meat. I don’t like the hockey team much either. But my southern friends and family rave about it. It’s probably because Florida panther meat does not travel well. By the time it gets up to us northern folk, it’s dry as a bone and almost as tasteless. So next time you’re down on the Everglades, be sure to give it try. Just don’t bring any home with you.

Because of how poorly it travels, I recommend having this feline delicacy right where you grab it. Over a campfire and a song would be the best.

10. Hammerhead Shark (Sphyrna mokarran)

Photo courtesy hyku/Flickr

Not as tasty as the great white, but at least this fish is American! USA! USA! USA!

Ironically, you’ll want to use a meat hammer here to tenderize the meat before cooking. Any old hammer will work, really, but if you’re doing it in front of guests, it’s probably best to keep things clean.

That’s it, my fellow Americans. Have a safe, happy, and tasty Memorial Day weekend. And don’t forget to let me know how cooking went in the comments.

Zach Kopplin – 1, Christian Idiots – 0

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http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32545640

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

That was Zach Kopplin fighting the good fight… of science.

From Bobby Henderson of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster:

Here’s a video of Zack Kopplin on Hardball last night. Zack is the student battling the Lousiana Science Education Act – a law that would allow “supplemental textbooks and other teaching materials” into science classrooms. Zack saw this (correctly) as a backdoor method to teach Creationism and has been leading the fight against it.

Mr. Kopplin also throws down the gauntlet for Michele Bachmann, who has claimed that Nobel Laureates support Creationism. Guess what? 43 Nobel Laureates have pledged support for Zach Kopplin. This is the second high schooler to challenge Bachmann on facts. If you’ll remember Amy Myers, high school sophomore from New Jersey, wants to debate Bachmann on US Civics and History. I hope neither one of them holds their breath waiting for Bachmann to back up her “facts.”

Anyways, what Mr. Kopplin is doing is as bold as is it noble. It unfortunately also points out the state of affairs, when a 17-year-old has to stand up for the students of his state because the Christian adults are trying to push their belief systems on other people’s children. But you got to admit, it’s a pretty aggressive form of proselytizing. It could be called spreading the good word, if it wasn’t trying to rid the education system of good words like, oh, science, evolution, rationality, etc.

Remember, missionaries, you catch more flies with honey…

Removing the Middleman from the Gay Marriage Debate

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I’m hearing a lot about gay marriage. There are debates going on throughout the nation. From stately Minnesota to free-wheelin’ California to… Iowa? Seriously? OK.

Anyways, everyone seems to be worried about whether or not the gays will be allowed to marry. But I think everyone is missing a very big point here. This debate isn’t about whether marriage is defined as being solely between a man and a woman (and according to one faaaaaabulous source, it isn’t). The gay marriage debate is really about whether or not marriage is defined as being solely between one penis and one vagina.

People always want to throw around words like “man” and “woman,” but when you get right down to it, these are just the middlemen and women in this debate. I say we cut them out and put all our cards on the table. Are we able to agree that marriage can be between not only a penis and a vagina, but also between one penis and another penis, or even one vagina and another vagina? Because that is the real question.

I’ve even thought of a helpful way for confused people to tackle this question in their minds by using their hands. Ready?

First, hold up both of your index fingers. Next, pretend that they are penises. Then poke the tips of them together. Now, does this game feel more or less natural than if you looped one index finger in the thumb to make an imaginary vagina? Forget that this hand symbol is a reference to homosexuality in some countries. Stay focused. Does the pretend penis poking make you feel uncomfortable enough to make it constitutionally illegal? How about if they were real penises instead of pretend penises – would that make it all better?

What I’m trying to do here is remove the middle man. We all know that both men and women are capable of love, compassion, fidelity, and sometimes a desire to spend their lives growing old with another person. We also know that both men and women both have heads, shoulders, knees, and toes (knees and toes). So what does that leave? Penises and vaginas.

So while this gay marriage debate has never been about whether or not two reasonable, consenting adult males, who both have heads, shoulders, knees, and toes (knees and toes), could get married, why not just cut the shit? The debate has been about whether or not two reasonable, consenting adult males or females, who both happen to be connected to penises or vaginas, respectively, can get married.

I’m going to go ahead and say that it’s definitely OK for two penises to get married, just because we know there’s a place to put the rings.

Translate “Suboptimal Productivity Drivers” and Win a Dictionary

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Stan Carey of Sentence First and Macmillan Dictionary Blog fame has set up a challenge at the Macmillan Dictionary Blog. He has written a letter in “business-speak” and tasked readers to translate it. One winner will receive a Macmillan Dictionary of their choice. Below is the opening of the letter. Follow this link to read the rest and participate.

Dear employee,

It has come to our attention that productivity drivers are suboptimal, which clearly impacts performance deliverables. We have touched base with HQ and undergone a period of extensive consultation. Actioning this decision-making process requires frontminding streamlined competencies. We anticipate a needs-based harmonisation gap in employee feelings vis-à-vis these necessary outcomes, but we are tasked with maximising the ball-parking of our projected equity outcomes.

My translation of that paragraph is:

Underling,

You have failed yet again, which means the company is failing because of you. The powers that be know of your failings. They have given us the authority to act swiftly and brutally. For the good of the company, you will be granted no mercy.

Go here to see the rest of my translation.

Good luck and happy translating!

Image courtesy of the Macmillan Dictionary Blog.