Guess What’s Wrong with US Schools

Marion Brady (via the Washington Post) has a story about his school board member friend who “took versions of his state’s standardized math and reading test scores for 10th graders.”

Even though his friend is a success “by any reasonable measure,” he was not too pleased with his results. In the friend’s own words, he knew the answers to none of the 60 math questions. Fucking none. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero.

Brady’s story is supposed to make the reader think there is something wrong with the standardized test. Instead, by his own friend’s account, a competent reader will realize there is something wrong with his friend. He didn’t know the answers to any of the math questions? Seriously? Fucking none? What a shithead.

The idiot friend goes on the say that he got 62% of the reading questions correct and that he has “a bachelor of science degree, two masters degrees, and 15 credit hours toward a doctorate degree.” But come on, fucking anybody can go to college.

Brady and his friend’s larger message is that we should not place too much emphasis on standardized tests. I can agree with that. When I was in tenth grade, I famously* drew a psychedelic mushroom on the essay part of my state standardized test. Brady’s friend has this to say about the problem with the emphasis on these tests:

If I’d been required to take those two tests when I was a 10th grader, my life would almost certainly have been very different. I’d have been told I wasn’t ‘college material,’ would probably have believed it, and looked for work appropriate for the level of ability that the test said I had.

Judging by his own admission, one has to believe that the school board would be in better shape today if Brady’s friend had taken a standardized test in tenth grade. But I digress…

This friend has a range of questions about the test that he is in no way qualified to answer, including “Who decided the kind of questions and their level of difficulty? Using what criteria? To whom did they have to defend their decisions?” It’s a classic Rich White Man Predicament™ – (i) If he’s rich and (ii) if he can’t confidently answer a single math question on a tenth grade test, then (iii) there must be something wrong with the test.

Nice try, dipshit.

There is a problem with the education system in America. I know. I went through it. Now I live in Finland, where public education has been ranked the best in the world and the problems are obvious. But the problems can’t be boiled down to a fool and his inability to pass a test. If you really want to know what’s going on, I suggest poking around the PISA website. PISA is an international test performed by the OECD which rates students on reading, math, and science. Instead of also giving their test to incompetent adults, they make detailed and informed debates about why students from certain countries performed the way they did. It’s not perfect, but it’s a hell of a lot better than Brady’s friend. You can see a Wikipedia summary of the PISA test and results here.

Brady says his friend concluded with this choice remark: “I can’t escape the conclusion that those of us who are expected to follow through on decisions that have been made for us are doing something ethically questionable.”

I can’t escape the conclusion that Brady’s friend is blind to his own idiocy. Wait, yes I can. That kind of thing is pretty common.

Brady himself says, “He’s wrong. What they’re being made to do isn’t ethically questionable. It’s ethically unacceptable. Ethically reprehensible. Ethically indefensible.” No, dummy. If dumbass can’t take a test designed for tenth graders, then there’s something wrong with him, not the test. It’s not ethically blah blah blah whatever. It’s a fucking test that your dipshit friend couldn’t pass. Perhaps the problem with US schools lies not with the tests, but with the school board members. Hmmm?

If you don’t believe me, take some sample questions for yourself. The reading questions are here and the math questions are here.

And they’re fucking easy.

*OK, so my action wasn’t so famous. But when I showed it to the girl sitting next to me, she freaked.

A Homophobic Tea Partier? I Don’t Believe it!

I think I’m going to throw away my I Love Troy, MI carrying bag now that women can be mayor there.

In her defense, she is obviously a pilgrim.

In other news, the rest of Michigan is still not a nice place to be gay.

Warning! Assholes are Closer than they Appear!

Geoffrey Pullum and I have not always agreed on everything. I like to comment, and he hates comments. But in a recent language log post, Mr. Pullum mentioned talking to his son about “the ghastly crew of obnoxious multi-millionaires who dominate the newspapers, and how they keep threatening to achieve success even in the political arena.” And that’s when his son turned him on to the fact that we are living in “the age of the assholocracy.”

At first, I thought I agreed with Pullum. It really does seem like there are a ton of assholes in power these days. And it seems there are even more assholes vying to get into power. It’s easy to believe that the age of the assholocracy is upon us.

But then I realized that we’ve always been living in an assholocracy. Assholes in power has long been the rule, not the exception. Just open a history book. Those things are chock full of assholes. It’s a wonder there’s room for anyone else. Or, even better, go ask someone who’s not a white middle-class male. They’ll tell you all about the assholes in power.

Mr. Pullum uses Donald Trump, Rupert Murdoch, Silvio Berlusconi, and Vladimir Putin as examples of the assholocracy we’re living in. But these people are downright pussies (to continue the anatomical analogies) compared to previous media moguls and Italian or Russian leaders. Is it possible we’re at the end of the assholocracy and the start of the pussypublic? You wish. (Again, just following the anatomy metaphor.)

Instead, I think these assholes are starting to be assholes to their own kind – the other white middle-class males – at an equal rate that they historically were assholes to other kinds of people. The assholocracy has gone into self-destruct mode, or what political scholars refer to as a dicktatorship.

Feminist Criticism – You’re doing it wrong

Lisa Rowe Faustino’s critique of Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree (PDF) is an amazing example of how very poorly an academic article can be written. The article appeared in the bookYou Are What You Eat: Literary Probes into the Palate and was called At the Core of The Giving Tree‘s Signifying Apples.

I’m assuming most of you have read The Giving Tree. If not, you should. But in case you don’t have it on hand, allow me to quote the synopsis from Wikipedia in full (it’s pretty quick and it won’t spoil anything for you since the book tells the story much, much better):

The Giving Tree is a tale about a relationship between a young boy and a tree. The tree always provides the boy with what he wants: branches on which to swing, shade in which to sit and apples to eat. As the boy grows older, he requires more and more of the tree. The tree loves the boy very much and gives him anything he asks for. In an ultimate act of self-sacrifice, the tree lets the boy cut it down so the boy can build a boat in which he can sail. The boy leaves the tree, now a stump. Many years later, the boy, now an old man, returns, and the tree sadly says: “I’m sorry, boy… but I have nothing left to give you.” But the boy replies: “I do not need much now, just a quiet place to sit and rest.” The tree then says, “Well, an old tree stump is a good place for sitting and resting. Come, boy, sit down and rest.” The boy obliges and the tree was very happy. (link)

Fraustino’s article is so fraught with error that I don’t even know where to begin. I suppose I’ll take it from the top. Page numbers are references to her article, which again, can be found as a .pdf here.

Fraustino’s starts off fine by making references to philosophical and psychological thoughts about how important food and mothering is in a child’s world. This is good because it forms the basis of her essay, which the introduction to You Are What Eat says is an examination of “how food is used [in The Giving Tree], both literally and metaphorically, in the reproduction of mothering ideology as defined by feminist theorists.”

But things quickly unravel from there. Fraustino is not wrong in reading Tree as sexist. That can be done and she’s not the first to do it. But her article takes so many cheap shots that it’s hard to give her any praise. I’ll just run through what is so upsetting.

Fraustino notes that some people read Tree as an allegory for God or Jesus and quickly points out how mistaken such a view is. But then she uses that view to take the first cheap shot at Silverstein for having published in Playboy and written “A Boy Named Sue” for Johnny Cash. In Fraustino’s view, anyone who writes for Playboy can’t be anything but sexist – a “man’s man,” as she calls Sliverstein (p288, emphasis hers). I wonder what Fraustino thinks of the other writers that have been published in Playboy, such as Kurt Vonnegut, Joseph Heller, Jack Kerouac, and Margaret Atwood. Are they sexist too?

Fraustino sneaks this Playboy admonishment into her text, but I don’t think she’s trying to be deceptively clever. Her contempt for Silverstein and The Giving Tree is plainly evident and yet that’s another reason why her article is so confounding. Her arguments reach too deep with little or nothing to back them up.

Fraustino then launches into a confusing and convoluted account of the views of mothers by many writers including Eric Neumann, Kate Kane, Ellen Handler Spitz, Dorothy Dinnerstein, Jessica Benjamin, and more. Her idea seems to be that Tree somehow perpetuates the sexist ways that mothers are treated in society, but she never really explains what she means besides noting that in the story, the tree acts like a nourishing mother to the boy. She just reiterates a bunch of interesting but out of context quotes from each author. Fraustino has a problem with the notion of “the mother-child relationship [which] is intense, one-on-one, all-consuming” for the mother. She writes, “there’s no career for the woman, no interest in non-domestic activities” (p292) and she lists a few best-selling children’s books that feature this relationship. I can understand the problems this idea has for adults, but we’re talking about the relationship between a parent and their child. All children, male and female, are incredibly self-absorbed for at least the first three years of their lives. Is it so wrong to tell them that their mother is only concerned with them? The points Fraustino makes are good but irrelevant to the topic at hand, which is supposed to be The Giving Tree.

Fraustino then comes back to Neumann and his philosophy about spirit mothers, which forms the basis of most of her reasoning about Tree, but again she fails to make any convincing analogy between Neumann and Silverstein’s books.

Another aspect of Fraustino’s article which really irritated me was her use of snide comments at the end of paragraphs. Here are two examples, which have to be quoted in full (bolding mine):

The Giving Tree’s little “king of the forest” “would sleep in her shade,” between her roots drawn in lines that hold him like a Great Motherly lap, cores of her eaten apples in the foreground. In the end he is enthroned on her stump. Some king. (p295)

Adults feed children the same lessons they were fed, often without critical awareness, and often out of a misguided sense that “it’s just for kids” and “those books didn’t affect me,” as my college students often claim. “You’re reading too much into it,” they say. Even college professors to whom I have presented my research findings sometimes require lengthy proofs to see the problem of the Feminine in The Giving Tree. Tellingly, the most ardent defenders of the book in academic settings have been male; in fact, to them I owe the inspiration to write this essay because they have led me to think about the text in multiple ways and expand my arguments. I owe a particular debt of gratitude to one education professor who immediately after my presentation emailed me a web page about The Giving Tree that linked to other web pages describing the book’s many uses. He continues to defend the story as flexible, all interpretations as equally valid. As I recall the discussion, he was one of several male professors at my talk who expressed admiration for the tree as the kind of mother they have and that their wives are – the tree women ought to be. And these are smart men. (p297)

The second example above is particularly telling of the way Fraustino writes – “Tellingly, the most ardent defenders of the book in academic settings have been male.” Anything to back that up? No. Fraustino is “tellingly” telling us that. She doesn’t take the hint from students or colleagues that she’s “reading too much into it,” nor does she take the hint that the story is “flexible” and that “all interpretations [are] equally valid.” To her, only her interpretation is valid.

Fraustino goes on to cite a survey of readers aged eight to twenty which found that readers view The Giving Tree as “good and bad examples of giving and taking, development and change, love and materialism, [but] with no basis in gender.” (p298) Fraustino uses this as proof that people just aren’t getting it – “it” meaning her reading of the book of course. But all she had me wondering was perhaps her article and other critics are over-complicating matters or misunderstanding people’s ability to read Tree as a lesson in giving and taking. She quotes Spitz as saying Tree “perpetuates the myth of the selfless, all-giving mother,” but the reader survey perhaps just shows that they are able to see the negative implications of this myth. Or, perhaps the genders in Tree are meaningless and/or superfluous. I know this is anathema to gender scholars, but maybe the readers are able to see through the genders and the gender stereotypes. If they see it as a lesson into how love and giving should be, especially in a parent/child relationship, is making the tree a woman so bad?

I only have two final points to make about Fraustino’s article. The first is that I was dumbfounded by an appraisal Fraustino makes of two scholars. She says that Jacqueline Jackson and Carol Dell countered,

the profundity [of The Giving Tree] with a parody of the story that they use in classrooms to trigger critical discussion. Their version introduces the character of a second tree next to the Giving Tree. The second tree does give apples for the boy to sell when he asks but refuses all of the boy’s other requests until finally, in the end, the old boy gets hot sitting on the stump and asks to sit in the shade. The second tree agrees, ‘and the stump wept.’ (p298)

What the fuck is this? How is this OK? Are we just rewriting stories now to better fit our readings of them? Or just to totally fuck with children? I thought T. S. Eliot’s Murder in the Cathedral was shit, but I didn’t fill it with a bunch of other characters to force other people to see things my way. Just the thought of doing so is obnoxious. Give me any story – any story at all – and I can do this by rewriting it. I could make the Bible seem pro-atheist if I was allowed to rewrite it. What if I were to add a few things to Fraustino’s article to make it conform to the views of all those “smart men”? Would she be OK with that? How Fraustino expects her readers to take her seriously after this is beyond me.

The second point I have to make is about one of her final paragraphs. She writes,

Notice: [the boy] does not fare well in the deal, either, as he winds up alone at the end of his life. Where are the wife and kids for whom he needed the house? Why did he have to sail away in a boat? “The result of this ‘giving mother’ is kids who themselves will make poor husbands, wives, and parents,” Strandburg and Livo point out. Only the primary bond remains to a boy who expects a Giving Tree wife. Had the all-giving Feminine ever given him some tough love instead of all her apples, perhaps he would have learned to make some real connections rather than having to revert to the symbolic primal womb.

Never mind the fact that this is offensive by implying that parents and spouses who like The Giving Tree are poor parents and spouses. What I wonder is whether Faustino knows that everyone dies alone? Going back to the tree is not reverting to the “symbolic primal womb.” It’s returning to a friend at a time when the boy needs a friend. It doesn’t mean the wife and kids are gone or that having to sail away was bad. It just means that the boy needs a friend. Apparently, Silverstein himself only thought of the book as “about two people; one gives and the other takes.”

Feminist criticism… you’re doing it wrong, Lisa.

Serious Bizness

Spelling of this post aside, I’m taking a more serious approach to this blog. Future articles will focus much more on academic articles and critiques. I’m not sure why I’m telling (warning?) you about this, but there it is.

I will still post book reviews and the occasional satirical article. Up next in book reviews are: The Three Christs of Ypsilanti by Milton Rokeach, Stardust by Niel Gaiman, and The Drunkard’s Walk: How Randomness Rules Our Lives by Leonard Mlodinow. Up next in the satirical department is something seriously messed up. Be warned.

HELP! My Child Regressed After Getting Vaccinated!

I don’t know where to turn, so I’m calling to the Internet. Oh, Mother Warriors, hear my plea! I’m just a loving father in need. Two months ago, my son was vaccinated for one of those diseases we’ve already eliminated in America. My first mistake, I know. I was just like another one of the sheeple, thinking the vaccine would do him good. Now I see how foolish I was because my son got vaccinated and now he’s ugly!

I may not be a doctor but I do have a computer science degree from DeVry University and after this vaccination, my son looks like Gary Busey on a three day bender. The doctors say he isn’t ugly but I KNOW MY CHILD!

I see the stories of mothers every day online. That’s why I’m calling for their help. Only they have the appropriate knowledge and qualifications. They all say their kids changed after getting the vaccine. When they post pics, I can immediately see what changed – their kids got ugly too! It’s like only one thing could have caused this. Causation = correlation!

!!!

Now, a lot of people who haven’t seen my Shrek-like son ask me how I know he’s ugly. Well, my wife is pretty. And she’s with me, so that means I’m pretty. And I feel pretty. So I know a thing or two about prettiness. Our son used to be pretty until he got that vaccine.

Now – as much as it pains me to say – he ain’t got no alibi.

He ugly.

Someone please help. Why aren’t scientists studying what causes ugliness in children? Do they really not care? Is it that warm and fuzzy in the pocket of Big Cosmo?

If ugliness hasn’t already affected you, take a look around. More and more children these days are being judged to be ugly than in the past. At the same time, there are more and more beauty products on the market and more vaccines being pushed down our throats. If you think that’s just a coincidence, then you’re blind (which is actually kind of good because it means you don’t have to look at all these hideous children walking around).

UPDATE:

For those of you looking for more information, I have just been alerted by a reader of an article by Dr. A. E. Newman called “Why Worry About Vaccines?” It was published in the journal Medical Anatomy & Disfigurement Magazine, but was redacted after the Center for Research in Anatomy & Clinical Knowledge & Evidence Department questioned Dr. Newman’s claims. It sounds like another case of a doctor being blacklisted for having the guts to go against Big Cosmo. (Thanks, Jenny)

Book Review: A Gun for Sale and Under the Black Flag

These are two books that I put down before finishing. I don’t often do that. In fact, it’s something I only became comfortable with doing last year. In other words, all the books that I stopped reading before then still have the bookmarks in them. I probably said I would pick them up again one day. And my poor lost bookmarks believed it.

Putting books down before they’re finished often makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel like a quitter somehow. Obviously, it’s such a hangup for me that I can write two paragraphs about it. But recently, I’ve decided that forcing my way through a boring read is a waste of time. I enjoy reading so much that I’m still amazed that a book can be boring. Maybe I’m too naive, but here are two reasons why boring books surprise me.

A Gun for Sale by Graham Greene

I’ve never read Graham Greene before and this misfire won’t put me off him for good, but it was a stretch. For a mystery novel, everything seems to be in place: it starts out with a murder, the stakes are high for the main characters, and there’s a sleazeball middleman who is totally going to get capped. But for some reason, this novel just couldn’t cut it for me. I was surprised that this book bored me because I don’t require much from my mysteries. But this one just had me wanting to read some Perry Mason, which I’m planning to so soon.

Under the Black Flag by David Cordingly

This book came highly recommended, even though it didn’t need to – it’s about pirates. I like pirates. I was prepared to learn that what I thought was fact is actually fiction. This book should have been right up my ally. Surprisingly, it wasn’t (Surprise!). It was boring. It was a boring book about pirates. Such a thing exists. On a positive note, this book does a very good job at pointing out that the truth is stranger than fiction and what you don’t know about the pirates is cooler than what you do know. But be prepared to wade through the high seas of boring prose.

There’s nothing more to say. Just needed to get the guilt off my chest.

Up next: The Three Christs of Ypsilanti by Milton Rokeach

Dear (Language Maven/Concerned Citizen/Just Another English User)

In order to make your (job/life/peeving) easier, I, Dr. Joe McVeigh, have decided to create this simple form. Whenever you come across an example of the English language (deteriorating/going all to hell/just simply changing), just circle the appropriate word or phrase in this form, send it off to me and I will forward it to every major newspaper and dictionary in the English-speaking world.

Just the other day I noticed a couple of (teens/colleagues/talking parrots) using too many (adverbs/passives/cheifs, not enough Indians). I nearly (had a heart attack/shit a brick/stopped caring about this). These (people/Neanderthals/birds) were unaware that the sharp ears of the English language’s (arbiter/guardian/inquisition) was listening.

I just have to (speak my disapproval/lodge a formal complaint/foam at the mouth) at such (idiotic/rude/innovative) use of (the English language/my language/their language).

If such practices are allowed to continue, I fear our language may be heading down a dangerous path. Why, in no time at all we may be speaking (a different language/like primitives/English still).

I just can’t stand it anymore and I have to speak up. The correct way to do it is (blah/blah/blah). Please distribute my (opinion/judgment/ranting and raving) to the masses, so that they may (one day be/get guilt tripped into/still not care about) speaking like me, the (greatest/most pretentious/Grade A asshole) of the English language.

Sincerely,

_______ _________

p.s. We all know the English language was perfected (when I graduated high school/when I graduated college/sometime last week).

Book Review: Our Magnificent Bastard Tongue by John McWhorter

John McWhorter’s Our Magnificent Bastard Tongue is one of the most interesting books about the English language that I have read. That’s saying a lot since books about the English language is all I seem to read. I don’t review them enough since they’re usually textbooks (fun!), but Tongue definitely deserves a review, even if it’s just me telling you to go out and buy it.

Go out and buy Our Magnificent Bastard Tongue by John McWhorter.

Done!

Tongue attempts to answer a few questions about English that have either been overlooked or brushed aside by linguists. One of them is the mysterious nature of our meaningless do in phrases such as Do you realize…?. R.L.G. at the Economist’s blog Johnson has described Mr. McWhorter’s stance much better than I could, so I’ll link to that post (Hint: the existence of meaningless do in Welsh and Cornish, as well as English, is not a coincidence).

McWhorter also takes on the Viking impact on English and the pesky notion that our words channel our thought, but what I liked best about his book is when he points out that there is a problem when linguists focus solely on one aspect of one language. He says,

The specialization endemic to modern academia means that few of these scholars do their work with grammar sketches of all the Germanic languages and their histories in their heads, much less of languages around the world. They write mostly about English alone and, as often as not, just single features of its grammar.

It’s an unfortunate reality. Specialists in any field can’t be expected to know everything about their field (which is why they’re called “specialists”). So I enjoyed how McWhorter refrained from going on a witch hunt and faulting the linguists who overlooked the topics of Tongue.

As I said before, you should read Our Magnificent Bastard Tongue. It is well written and well researched. Moreover, it’s a great book for people who can’t be bothered to read linguistics textbooks and journals – or for those of us who wish to read something in between the textbooks and journals.

Up next: A Gun for Sale by Graham Greene and Under the Black Flag by David Cordingly

Last Chance to Buy Advertising on Family Radio Again

This is it. Your absolute last chance, final opportunity, now-or-never moment to purchase advertising time on the only station worth listening to this weekend – Family Radio.

This time for real for real.

Why is Family Radio the only station worth listening to? Because of the Armageddon, of course. No matter if they’re going to heaven or hell, people are going to have money to burn this weekend. Why not have them spend it on that wonderful doohicky you’re hawking?

What about the last time I said “last chance?” Well, that was last time. Our Dear Leader Harold Camping praisejesusamen, made some slight miscalculations last time. Something totally happened, mind you, it just wasn’t the end of the world. It was like the beginning of the end. Or something.

But October 21 is totally the end of the end. Strike while the iron is hot, folks. These people need that thingamajig you’ve been peddling and they need it by October 21.

Just think – not only are all of your customers going to the afterlife in 6 days, but you’re going to be joining them. This is what famous marketers call a golden opportunity. If you don’t take it, someone else will.

I think we can assume that you are one of the lucky ones headed upstairs. But when you meet your maker, what are you going to tell him when he asks why you didn’t take advantage of the Rapture?

Well?

Exactly. There really is no excuse not to pilfer these souls of their savings.

Call now.

[UPDATE] The possibility to purchase advertising on Family radio has been once again extended indefinitely.