Fuck a bunch of raw food diets. Screw that no carbs bullshit. What you need is some straight up whiskey and speed, bitch. The Lemmy Kilmister Diet Program will not only make you thin and attractive, it will also make you the coolest, most badass motherfucker on the planet. You will be fucking nails. Just look at what it did for Lemmy.
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| Photo courtesy of Eamonn McCabe/Guardian |
The recent exposé of Herr Kilmister, which is sofuckingawesome that you should buy it right now, has inspired me to invent the Lemmy Program. The Lemmy Program is a dieting revolution. It already has a 100% proven track record. 100%! That’s more than any of those other bitch ass diets can claim. Word.
The Lemmy Program couldn’t be easier. There’s no schedule, no checklist, and no pansy ass diet diary. There are only two ingredients in the Lemmy Program – speed and whiskey. By restricting your daily intake to these two groundbreaking supplements, you will force your body to sink or swim. Your respiratory system will work together with your liver in a live-or-die scenario, ensuring that your body makes it through the day in the most high octane way possible.
But it doesn’t stop there, fatsos. For a limited time only, I, Dr. Joe McVeigh, inventor of the Lemmy Program and sole licensed practitioner of Japanese Eyeball Poking in the US, will come to your house and blast some serious fucking metal to enhance your Lemmy Program experience. My choice of the most shred-worthy songs will boost your immune system by causing you to want to rip the face off the next person you see (not me, though – don’t even try it, punk). Then I will leave the music at your place, so you can blare it any time you engage my patented Lemmy Program revitalization.
I can hear you wondering if the Lemmy Program is too much for you. “But Dr. McVeigh, aren’t speed and whiskey bad for the body?” you ask. Let me tell you something. If you’re wondering these things, you’re a sissy and you need to man up. You think some punk ass vegetables are going to cure you of being a fat, lazy slob? Get real. You’re so far gone that nothing short of speed and whiskey is going to get your ass in motion. And that’s what the Lemmy Program is – speed and whiskey. In. That. Order. Bitch.
Call now.