Dear National Vaccine Information Center,

I read recently that the malaria vaccine is progressing well and will be coming out soon. If we act now, we’ll be able to protest it the moment it hits the shelves. Obviously, the first order of business is to come up with a few “side effects” that it causes. I’m thinking diarrhea, gout, dyslexia, boredom, Parkinson’s and possibly homosexuality. I’m open to your suggestions, but I think beating the dead autistic horse would be counterproductive.

The next thing we need to do is figure out other ways that our kids can be protected from and cured of malaria without taking the evil vaccine. I’m offering Japanese Eyeball Poking™ because I’m sure that by the time the vaccine comes out, someone will have visited my office with malaria (although I kind of hope not). Oh well, doctors don’t need to know and we don’t need evidence for our claims. And I’m not going to Africa to treat people for malaria with Eyeball Poking. Have you seen that place? Talk about disease central.

Can you think of anything else we need? A celebrity endorsement would be nice. Jenny McCarthy is taken, obviously, but maybe there is someone with similar skills. What’s Yasmine Bleeth up to these days? Does she have kids? Can we give them malaria?

Until we figure these things out, I’ll be the face of the protest. You get everything working behind the scenes. I’ll germinate the forums, you plan the march on Washington. Together we can stop this terrible “life saving” vaccine from ever reaching Africa.

Also, someone needs to figure out if we can send live mosquitoes through the mail.

Sincerely,

Joe McVeigh

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HELP! My Child Regressed After Getting Vaccinated!

I don’t know where to turn, so I’m calling to the Internet. Oh, Mother Warriors, hear my plea! I’m just a loving father in need. Two months ago, my son was vaccinated for one of those diseases we’ve already eliminated in America. My first mistake, I know. I was just like another one of the sheeple, thinking the vaccine would do him good. Now I see how foolish I was because my son got vaccinated and now he’s ugly!

I may not be a doctor but I do have a computer science degree from DeVry University and after this vaccination, my son looks like Gary Busey on a three day bender. The doctors say he isn’t ugly but I KNOW MY CHILD!

I see the stories of mothers every day online. That’s why I’m calling for their help. Only they have the appropriate knowledge and qualifications. They all say their kids changed after getting the vaccine. When they post pics, I can immediately see what changed – their kids got ugly too! It’s like only one thing could have caused this. Causation = correlation!

!!!

Now, a lot of people who haven’t seen my Shrek-like son ask me how I know he’s ugly. Well, my wife is pretty. And she’s with me, so that means I’m pretty. And I feel pretty. So I know a thing or two about prettiness. Our son used to be pretty until he got that vaccine.

Now – as much as it pains me to say – he ain’t got no alibi.

He ugly.

Someone please help. Why aren’t scientists studying what causes ugliness in children? Do they really not care? Is it that warm and fuzzy in the pocket of Big Cosmo?

If ugliness hasn’t already affected you, take a look around. More and more children these days are being judged to be ugly than in the past. At the same time, there are more and more beauty products on the market and more vaccines being pushed down our throats. If you think that’s just a coincidence, then you’re blind (which is actually kind of good because it means you don’t have to look at all these hideous children walking around).

UPDATE:

For those of you looking for more information, I have just been alerted by a reader of an article by Dr. A. E. Newman called “Why Worry About Vaccines?” It was published in the journal Medical Anatomy & Disfigurement Magazine, but was redacted after the Center for Research in Anatomy & Clinical Knowledge & Evidence Department questioned Dr. Newman’s claims. It sounds like another case of a doctor being blacklisted for having the guts to go against Big Cosmo. (Thanks, Jenny)

The Best CAM Vaccine Ever. Period.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this anti-vaccine campaign that I signed on to. What I think we need are not just complimentary but alternative medicines to help us battle those pesky little germs. As a legitimate doctor, I feel especially qualified to aid the public in this matter.

The more I thought about this conundrum, though, the more I realized that the other “doctors” were actually on to something good. Taking fish oil for the measles, Echinaceabopshebop for the mumps, and Japanese Eyeball Poking for everything else is all fine and good (and I can’t recommend these wonderful products more – Hi, Senator Hatch!), but what we need is what the doctors have tried to accomplish with the MMR vaccine. We need something that can conquer all diseases once and for all so we can get on with our lives.

Friends, I think I’ve found it.

I’m calling it Swimming with Sharks™ because that’s just what it is. We all know that sharks are immune to all diseases just as we all know that humans and animals are able to manipulate the cosmic energy fields in order to heal themselves. I’m just putting two and two together here to make the ultimate CAM vaccine. By using the natural karmic spiritual motion generator fields, I am able to transfer the shark’s immunity to the patient. All they have to do is get in the water and swim with my sharks.

Now, I know the idea of Swimming with Sharks™ sounds crazy, but so does sticking needles in your body to relieve pain. But acupuncture works, amiright? It just stands to reason that Swimming with Sharks™ would also work. In fact, I have pretty much already proven that it works. I tried the method on both of my sons and guess what? The one that survived has yet to develop whooping cough, polio, or rubella. Now how’s that for proof? He even said he can feel the healing powers he gained from Swimming with Sharks™. Who needs scientific studies? Booooring.

Just think – that could be your son or daughter with that shark, getting all immunized.

The added bonus of Swimming with Sharks™ – which I will throw in for no extra cost – is that it works best for babies since not only will they obtain the sharks’ immunity, but they will also learn how to swim (away) from the sharks. When the sharks see the infant floundering in the water, they will instantly take the child under their fins and rescue it – just as any animal would do because animals are more in tune with the cosmic nature of natural beings. And if they don’t, you’re going to end up with a mini Michael Phelps that is immune to every disease known to man and shark. Bonus!

If you’re still in doubt, let me ask you this – what else are you going to do? Get real vaccines? Come on. Get real.

Call now.

Inspried by My Mother Warriors

Have you heard what’s going on out there? Everywhere around the world, mothers are standing up to Big Pharma. These are strong minded women who aren’t afraid to say no! They are an inspiration to us all.

In fact, I was so inspired by these brave Mother Warriors™, that I decided to stand up. I’m myself am a vaccinated male (my cross to bear!), so unfortunately I could not be strong in the same way. But I knew I had to do something. And I think I hit on a few great ways to expand the great ideas of the Mother Warriors by finding other social pressures that are really just choices. These may be my ideas, but all of you are free to practice them.

Drive It Like You Stole It
I don’t have a driver’s license and I’m not going to get one. Do you know what they put in cars? Lead gasoline. How harmful is lead gasoline? It’s lead and gasoline! Cars are so harmful, and I haven’t even mentioned all the oil and exhaust and sometimes shag carpeting. It’s horrifying. So what if I don’t know the traffic laws? The only one I’m possibly hurting is me, right? At least I’ll know that I didn’t pay one cent to Big Oil or Big Highway or Big State. If this idea goes well, I plan to apply it to airplanes and boats as well.

You know, I never really liked stopping at red lights either. I don’t think I’m going to do that anymore. Do you know how many people are injured while waiting at red lights each year? I don’t, but I’m sure it’s a lot. Is it really worth it to voluntarily stop and wait for pain to be inflicted upon you, which is sure to happen, just because Big Red Light tells you to? I don’t think so.

Teach a Man to Fish…
You know what I always hear? People telling me that I have to know a subject and have a teaching degree if I want to teach children. Well, I can tell you one thing. My grandmother didn’t have no teaching degree and she taught me everything I know. Why do you think I don’t swallow gum? Because it takes seven years (!) to pass through my digestive system. Thanks, Grandma! I had warts until she got someone to buy them off of me. And have you ever noticed any hair on my palms? No, because Grandma told me not to masturbate. She really was a pill – a homeopathic pill!

So I’m going to become a teacher. I don’t need to know math or English or science. I’ll teach the kids real, valuable life lessons, just like my grandmother taught me. They’ll be much better off. Requiring our teachers to have teaching degrees is just society’s way of making you obey Big Education.

Help! 911!
Did you know that you have to go to school in order to become a police officer, fireman, or EMT? Can you believe that? The reasoning is something about the safety of society. Whatever. My intentions are what really matters. And I intend to serve and protect to the utmost of my ability. What’s wrong with that? Well, in the eyes of some, the problem is that my money won’t be going to Big Donut, Big Smoke Alarm, or Big Band-Aid.

If You Build It…
Are you an architect looking for a complementary and alternative way to have your building inspected? Well, then you’ve come to the right place. Have me inspect your building for structural safety and you can rest assured that not a single penny will go to Big Building Code. Because I’m not licensed by them!

Taking Out the Trash
I’ve been dutifully taking out my trash for years now. And for what? More bills and more money to Big Landfill. Do you know what they put in landfills? All sorts of trash and garbage! There are flies everywhere. It’s disgusting! Well, I for one am no longer contributing to that mess. I’m also no longer disposing of my used motor oil in the “recommended” way (we all know what that means). I live next to a lake, so I’m just going to dump everything in there. Out of sight, out of mind!

Running of the Bulls
Why should Spain have all the fun? What about Pamplona, PA, USA? Listen – I know a guy who knows a guy who can get me five horny and pissed off bulls to release sometime next month. I’m not going to tell anyone in Pamplona, PA, I’m just going to let them go some weekend. It’ll be a riot! Why, yes, Mr. Mayor-of-Pamplona, PA, you may give me the key to your city. Really, it was nothing. Just doing what the spirit moved me to do.

Who Wants Marshmallows?
I live in a row house in Philadelphia and I’m sick and tired of the city telling me that I’m not “allowed” to have a bonfire on my porch. Who are they to say? It’s my house, I’ll do what I want. If my neighbors can’t stand the heat, they can get off my porch. I don’t see what the problem is.

Let’s Get It On
I’m HIV-positive, but I hate telling my sexual partners about it. Talk about aww-kward. So I’m not going to do that anymore. This, again, is just me exercising my right to choose.

Remember, all of these will be our little secret, OK?