Homeopathic Breast Milk for the Modern Organic Father

My wife and I had a baby five weeks ago and now the magic is over. The magic is over because I just realized a cold, hard truth. You see, we decided to breastfeed my son and ever since birth he has been literally attached to his mother. How am I supposed to be a 20th Century Fox father, when my son won’t even turn his head in my direction? What’s a guy got to do to play dad?

My options were pretty slim. Formula was out of the question because that would put us in the pocket of Big Pharma. But that left my son in the pocket of Big Momma. Or so I thought…

I knew other helpless fathers were out there yearning to reclaim their sons. But none of them were doing anything about it. It was up to me to think of a solution.

I first tried to consult our doctor, even though I thought it was a lost cause. Not once has he ever suggested I try complimentary and/or alternative medicine. Some “doctor,” huh? Well, sure enough, he proved my fears correct by telling me breast feeding was a good thing. Hmph. Like I was supposed to be happy about that.

I would have to go it alone. It was time for Dr. Joe McVeigh to step up to the plate.

After much thought and soul-searching, I hit on an idea. Why not use homeopathy to help me reclaim my son? It was out there, I know, but it was worth a shot. After all, at least homeopathy has been proven not to harm anyone (something traditional medicine can’t quite say, now can they? Hmm? I didn’t think so.).

So what I did was sit down and squeeze my nipple as hard as I could. I squeezed and squeezed and squeezed. I squeezed until I couldn’t squeeze no more. I just had to get a drop of milk out.

My theory was this: If I could get a drop of milk out, I could dilute it with water 10,000 times – as per the homeopathic woo mumbo jumbo recipe. Then I would have more than enough homeopathic breast milk to reclaim my son from Big Momma.

And guess what? Something came out! It was warm and thick and wet. Since it came out of my nipple, it was most likely milk, most likely placed there by the great Earth Spirit Banshee Life Force. It was just a drop, but a drop was enough.

I dropped that drop in the Pacific Ocean at San Francisco. Then I waited 3 months, flew over to China and started scooping up the holistic homeopathic all-natural organic man boob breast milk. This product that I have invented is both homeopathic and Asian Chinese non-Western. That’s like two meridians with one needle!

If you’re a father that feels his child is in Big Momma’s pocket, you’re in luck. I have lots and lots of bottles of Dr. Joe McVeigh’s Homeopathic Breast Milk™ and no chance that I’ll ever run out (lots of water in the Pacific Ocean, you know). For the low, low price of $29.99, one of these 12oz bottles could be yours. Your child will thank you and your wife’s breasts will thank you. What are you waiting for?

Call now.

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The Best CAM Vaccine Ever. Period.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this anti-vaccine campaign that I signed on to. What I think we need are not just complimentary but alternative medicines to help us battle those pesky little germs. As a legitimate doctor, I feel especially qualified to aid the public in this matter.

The more I thought about this conundrum, though, the more I realized that the other “doctors” were actually on to something good. Taking fish oil for the measles, Echinaceabopshebop for the mumps, and Japanese Eyeball Poking for everything else is all fine and good (and I can’t recommend these wonderful products more – Hi, Senator Hatch!), but what we need is what the doctors have tried to accomplish with the MMR vaccine. We need something that can conquer all diseases once and for all so we can get on with our lives.

Friends, I think I’ve found it.

I’m calling it Swimming with Sharks™ because that’s just what it is. We all know that sharks are immune to all diseases just as we all know that humans and animals are able to manipulate the cosmic energy fields in order to heal themselves. I’m just putting two and two together here to make the ultimate CAM vaccine. By using the natural karmic spiritual motion generator fields, I am able to transfer the shark’s immunity to the patient. All they have to do is get in the water and swim with my sharks.

Now, I know the idea of Swimming with Sharks™ sounds crazy, but so does sticking needles in your body to relieve pain. But acupuncture works, amiright? It just stands to reason that Swimming with Sharks™ would also work. In fact, I have pretty much already proven that it works. I tried the method on both of my sons and guess what? The one that survived has yet to develop whooping cough, polio, or rubella. Now how’s that for proof? He even said he can feel the healing powers he gained from Swimming with Sharks™. Who needs scientific studies? Booooring.

Just think – that could be your son or daughter with that shark, getting all immunized.

The added bonus of Swimming with Sharks™ – which I will throw in for no extra cost – is that it works best for babies since not only will they obtain the sharks’ immunity, but they will also learn how to swim (away) from the sharks. When the sharks see the infant floundering in the water, they will instantly take the child under their fins and rescue it – just as any animal would do because animals are more in tune with the cosmic nature of natural beings. And if they don’t, you’re going to end up with a mini Michael Phelps that is immune to every disease known to man and shark. Bonus!

If you’re still in doubt, let me ask you this – what else are you going to do? Get real vaccines? Come on. Get real.

Call now.

Inspried by My Mother Warriors

Have you heard what’s going on out there? Everywhere around the world, mothers are standing up to Big Pharma. These are strong minded women who aren’t afraid to say no! They are an inspiration to us all.

In fact, I was so inspired by these brave Mother Warriors™, that I decided to stand up. I’m myself am a vaccinated male (my cross to bear!), so unfortunately I could not be strong in the same way. But I knew I had to do something. And I think I hit on a few great ways to expand the great ideas of the Mother Warriors by finding other social pressures that are really just choices. These may be my ideas, but all of you are free to practice them.

Drive It Like You Stole It
I don’t have a driver’s license and I’m not going to get one. Do you know what they put in cars? Lead gasoline. How harmful is lead gasoline? It’s lead and gasoline! Cars are so harmful, and I haven’t even mentioned all the oil and exhaust and sometimes shag carpeting. It’s horrifying. So what if I don’t know the traffic laws? The only one I’m possibly hurting is me, right? At least I’ll know that I didn’t pay one cent to Big Oil or Big Highway or Big State. If this idea goes well, I plan to apply it to airplanes and boats as well.

You know, I never really liked stopping at red lights either. I don’t think I’m going to do that anymore. Do you know how many people are injured while waiting at red lights each year? I don’t, but I’m sure it’s a lot. Is it really worth it to voluntarily stop and wait for pain to be inflicted upon you, which is sure to happen, just because Big Red Light tells you to? I don’t think so.

Teach a Man to Fish…
You know what I always hear? People telling me that I have to know a subject and have a teaching degree if I want to teach children. Well, I can tell you one thing. My grandmother didn’t have no teaching degree and she taught me everything I know. Why do you think I don’t swallow gum? Because it takes seven years (!) to pass through my digestive system. Thanks, Grandma! I had warts until she got someone to buy them off of me. And have you ever noticed any hair on my palms? No, because Grandma told me not to masturbate. She really was a pill – a homeopathic pill!

So I’m going to become a teacher. I don’t need to know math or English or science. I’ll teach the kids real, valuable life lessons, just like my grandmother taught me. They’ll be much better off. Requiring our teachers to have teaching degrees is just society’s way of making you obey Big Education.

Help! 911!
Did you know that you have to go to school in order to become a police officer, fireman, or EMT? Can you believe that? The reasoning is something about the safety of society. Whatever. My intentions are what really matters. And I intend to serve and protect to the utmost of my ability. What’s wrong with that? Well, in the eyes of some, the problem is that my money won’t be going to Big Donut, Big Smoke Alarm, or Big Band-Aid.

If You Build It…
Are you an architect looking for a complementary and alternative way to have your building inspected? Well, then you’ve come to the right place. Have me inspect your building for structural safety and you can rest assured that not a single penny will go to Big Building Code. Because I’m not licensed by them!

Taking Out the Trash
I’ve been dutifully taking out my trash for years now. And for what? More bills and more money to Big Landfill. Do you know what they put in landfills? All sorts of trash and garbage! There are flies everywhere. It’s disgusting! Well, I for one am no longer contributing to that mess. I’m also no longer disposing of my used motor oil in the “recommended” way (we all know what that means). I live next to a lake, so I’m just going to dump everything in there. Out of sight, out of mind!

Running of the Bulls
Why should Spain have all the fun? What about Pamplona, PA, USA? Listen – I know a guy who knows a guy who can get me five horny and pissed off bulls to release sometime next month. I’m not going to tell anyone in Pamplona, PA, I’m just going to let them go some weekend. It’ll be a riot! Why, yes, Mr. Mayor-of-Pamplona, PA, you may give me the key to your city. Really, it was nothing. Just doing what the spirit moved me to do.

Who Wants Marshmallows?
I live in a row house in Philadelphia and I’m sick and tired of the city telling me that I’m not “allowed” to have a bonfire on my porch. Who are they to say? It’s my house, I’ll do what I want. If my neighbors can’t stand the heat, they can get off my porch. I don’t see what the problem is.

Let’s Get It On
I’m HIV-positive, but I hate telling my sexual partners about it. Talk about aww-kward. So I’m not going to do that anymore. This, again, is just me exercising my right to choose.

Remember, all of these will be our little secret, OK?

Introducing Homeopathic Soap

I, Dr. Joe McVeigh, creator of Anger Yoga, innovator of the Facebook Uphoria Creator & Dignity Umptulator (FUCKU), and the only certified and reliable Japanese Eyeball Poker in the West, have done it again! I have invented the newest and greatest way to practice homeopathy everyday – even when you’re not sick! That’s right, now there’s a way to be homeopathic 24/7.

It’s called Homeopathic Soap™ and it works just like regular soap, only better. It’s sure to clean and cure you of all the natural dirt and grime that builds up on your skin over time.

Why did I create Homeopathic Soap™?

I drew inspiration from the great Mother Earth Spirit Banshee, like all of us do. My inner life instincts spoke to me from the ages, as they speak to all of us, some stronger than others. Also, I was looking for a way to relieve fools of their money people of their dirt.

How did I create Homeopathic Soap™?

I took one germ and placed it on one speck of dirt. I placed that combination in the Caspian Sea, the largest freshwater lake in the world. I used the Caspian Sea because it’s in the East and therefore more beneficial to homeopathic remedies than any Western body of water. After four moons, when my dirt and germ combination was sufficiently diluted enough, I went and drew from the water. I let the homeopathic life-infused water sit until it became soap. Like cures like, as we all know, so my Homeopathic Soap™ is sure to cure you of germs, dirt, and Caspians.

Pictured: White Homeopathic Soap™ bar on a black background.

Who can use Homeopathic Soap™?

It’s homeopathic, people! Anyone and their pets can use it. I’m talking babies, baseball players, bald men, bald women, your aunt, your uncle, that weird cousin – anybody!.

What are the drawbacks to using Homeopathic Soap™ instead of Big Pharma soap?

The only drawback that I have found is that Homeopathic Soap™ requires slightly more belief from users in its efficacy compared to Big Pharma soap. But this isn’t a drawback when you consider how the use of Big Pharma soap is cold and calculating, while using Homeopathic Soap™ is warm and loving and caring, like a big imaginary shower with Mother Earth. In fact, users of Homeopathic Soap™ who also believed in homeopathy reported feeling cleaner than users who did not believe in homeopathy. And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

How much does Homeopathic Soap™ cost?

Unfortunately, I am no longer accepting homeopathic payments as this was a disastrous way to run a business (who knew diluted money wouldn’t be as good as real money?). In order to still be reasonable, however, I have set the prices at one Homeopathic Soap™ bar for $24.99 or three for $99.99! Hurry while supplies last.

Call now.

UPDATE: Due to the extremely high interest I have received in Homeopathic Soap™ from idiots true believers, I have founded a organization called the Society of Complementary and Alternative Bathers (SCAB). It’s a place for like-minded people to gather and talk about their homeopathic alternatives to Big Pharma soap. We meet every Tuesday night at 7 pm in the auditorium of Bill Smith High School. Coffee and donuts are served.

The Best Stress Reliever in the World – Anger Yoga

Do you experience frustration from time to time? Have you ever been fed-up with something? Do the packed yoga classes have you at your wits end? Well suffer no longer, my friends. There’s a new craze sweeping the nation and it’s here to help you with your anger. In fact, it’s called Anger Yoga.

As an experienced professional in such complementary and alternative medicine as Japanese Eyeball Poking, I am uniquely qualified to introduce you to the wonderful world of Anger Yoga.

I can hear you asking, “But, Dr. McVeigh, what is this Anger Yoga you speak of?” Anger Yoga offers the same relief as real yoga, but without all the bending and flexing and farting. So how does it work? I’m glad you asked.

In the most common form of Anger Yoga, the practitioner enters a yoga class and kicks the closest person right in the gut. It doesn’t matter what yoga pose they are in the middle of, so long as the Anger Yoga practitioner puts the majority of their aggression into the kick. This is how Anger Yoga can relieve stress. One swift boot to another person’s face or ass and you are bound to feel better, my friends.

Just look at these dickwads. They’re praying for a boot in the ass.

You see, Anger Yoga involves a person bottling up their anger and emotions until the time comes that a yoga class is in session. The Anger Yoga student then goes to that class about 10 minutes after it starts, walks in, and proceeds to release their frustrations through a series of gut punches, body slams, and elbow drops. The trick is to channel your anger into whichever part of your body is landing on the unsuspecting yoga student. This could mean transferring your frustrations to a yogi through a swift headbutt or conferring your aggravation to a yoga student through a well-executed pile driver.

It may sound simple, but people spend years becoming Anger Yoga masters. I, for one, have been practicing Anger Yoga for, like, a hundred years, which is why I am the only person in the U.S. and A. that is qualified to train you in the art of spiritual enlightenment and physical pain giving through Anger Yoga. With my guidance and the art of Anger Yoga, you will never be frustrated again.

Call now.

Introducing the Ancient Healing Art of Japanese Eyeball Poking

Japanese Eyeball poking is an ancient technique that has been practiced in Japan for 40,000 years. This medical miracle has never before been known to the West until now. Have you ever wondered why Japanese people always look so young, healthy, and vibrant? Do you want to use acupuncture but have a fear of needles? Well, wonder and fear no more because Japanese Eyeball poking has arrived.

In the antique practice of Japanese Eyeball Poking, fingers are inserted into the eyeballs at specific, traditionally predetermined points and then wiggled around in various motions. This practice has been known to relieve pain, boost the immune system, increase fertility, and alleviate depression among Japanese people for centuries! Don’t wait, call for a free, no-risk sample eyeball poking today.

The art of Eyeball Poking was first developed around 1400 B.C.E. in the Gugli-I region of Japan. The Ancient Shamans who invented this amazing technique were looking for physical medical treatments to go along with their spiritual healing sessions. What they discovered was the single most important medical miracle in the history of man.

Thousands of years later, the Japanese doctor and poet Lari-Mo Kurli recorded the art of Japanese Eyeball Poking in his classic work NYuk-NYuk. The techniques he described are still used today! Call now and reserve your free eyeball poking consultation!

Eyeball poking has come a long way since its first inception and now it is being introduced to the West by the amazing Dr. Joe McVeigh, Ph.D., D.O.A., D.U.H. As the only licensed practitioner of eyeball poking in the United States, Dr. McVeigh is the only person that can cure you without the need for any kind of medicine at all. Dr. McVeigh is so well versed in Japanese Eyeball Poking that he has been certified by the Eyeball Poking Institute of Tokyo to use all eight of his fingers and both thumbs in his practice!

This is the day you have been waiting for. Don’t wait any longer. Call today to have Dr. Joe McVeigh poke you right in the eyes.

Here’s what the good doctor has to say:

“As the only fully-trained and professional eyeball poker in the West, I am uniquely equipped to treat all of your medical conditions, including but not limited to whooping cough, gout, baldness, blindness, deafness, tooth decay, hangnails, kidney failure, dandruff, broken bones, cancer, AIDS, Seasonal Affective Disorder, and gas with oily discharge.”

Call now!