How Do You Use The Twitter?

Just a quick update on the people following @congressmembers, the Twitter account I started so politicians would have a safe place to send pictures of their naughty bits and avoid their own personal Weinergate.. Yes, my childish mind really started a Twitter account for that (see the post on it here). But more importantly, get a load of these dopes:

1. Michele Bachmann – It looks like Minnesota’s least favorite politician is in it for the long run – in support of a safe haven for politicians to tweet pictures of their dongs and dongettes, that is. While it is probable that Ms. Bachmann does not handle her Twitter account, it appears that someone working for her either sucks at their job or has a twisted sense of humor. I’m hoping for the latter.

Still one of my favorite emails.

2. Ted Cruz – Here’s someone from Texas who’s trying to get in the Senate. Yo Ted, are you as awful at governing as you are at twittering? Or does Michele Bachmann’s best/worst employee also monitor your Twitter account?

3. LawyersforPerry – We want the Twitter! You can’t handle the Twitter!

4. ElephantAttire* – Did you ever wish your clothes could love Jesus and America and America Jesus as much as you do? Now they can! I actually think this is a great idea and wish I had thought of it. It’s like hemp clothing for everyone between Pittsburgh and Denver. You know, Real ‘Mercans™.

5. CJTaganos – Hands down the sanest one of my followers. CJTaganos uses Twitter for its true intention – professing one’s love for Vanessa Hudgens.

It’s possible that the conservatives on this list are following me because they get the joke, but does anyone really believe that?

*@AmericanJesusClothesRUs (aka ElephantAttire) is no longer following me. Even though our Twitlationship™ was short, I’ll never forget the wonderful moments we shared. They tried to hawk some GodLovesAmerica clothes on me, I told them they’re dipshits. Alas, it was not meant to be.

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Michele Bachmann Follows @congressmembers on Twitter*

Michele Bachmann has become the first politician to jump on the @congressmembers bus. I applaud this move. It shows that she’s not afraid to take chances, be brave, and help the country move beyond Weinergate.

I am actively awaiting Michele to tweet me her twat, but until the sexual spirit moves her, why don’t you enjoy this lovely picture that appeared in my inbox today. I know I did.

I was going to update the previous post with this news, but I thought it deserved a post all on its own. Here’s hoping @SarahPalinUSA gets on board with this movement.

*Intended to be a factual statement… cause it totally is.

Introducing… @congressmembers

Friends, Congressmen, Countrymen,

Tweet me your dong.

I understand. You want to send people pictures of your wiener. You need to send people pictures of your ding-a-ling. But alas, not everyone wants to receive pictures of your pecker. What are you supposed to do when the pressure builds up? It’s too much for a politician to take.

That’s what I’m here for. I have created @congressmembers, a Twitter profile that promises to be a safe haven for your interwebs sexcapades. No longer will you have to worry about sending pictures of your sausage to young girls who may turn around and show them to ABC. Send them to me instead. I promise to not let anyone else see. You’ll get the release you need. No one will have to resign. And no one will have to do an interview with Meredith Vieira. And that’s what really matters.

The safe haven for pictures of wangs.

Look, as a bonafide, certified doctor. I can understand the pressure that you’re under. You’re sitting there in your office – smartphone in one hand, meat whistle in the other – and no one to share your excitement. With the Twitterverse is just a finger tap away, what’s stopping you from tweeting a picture of your winky to that cute girl who follows you? She looks reasonable. Hey, she’s in college, that’s saying something, right?

No! Don’t do it, congressman! You don’t want to go down that road. Why don’t you tweet your pork snake portfolio to me instead? It’ll stay between the two of us. Promise. Really, no questions asked. You’ll feel satisfied that your smartphone didn’t go to waste and I’ll feel satisfied that some poor, innocent college chick didn’t have to see your one-eyed warrior.

There. Now isn’t that better?

For the non-congressmen out there reading this, I’d like to take this time to note that @congressmembers is not solely for males or politicians. Hey there, Elena Kagan, gotta feed the need to show someone your Supreme bush? Deliver unto me your vaginal verdict. Why, hello, Brett Favre, upset that no one is talking about your Viking horn anymore? Throw me a long dong pass.

Look, we all know the craving. And we all know that Twitter was originally called TwouserSnake*. Think of it like homosexuality – once a sin, now a sensation. Tweeting pictures of your private parts is the same thing. You just need to wait for the rest of society to catch up. Until then, there’s always @congressmembers.

Weiner-gate solved. You’re welcome, America.

*Not intended to be a factual statement.