How Facebook Can Cure Your Depression & Improve Your Self-Esteem

Are you feeling down in the dumps? Has pressure at work got you stressed out? Do you feel like one of those depressed losers that are always on TV? Are you one of those depressed losers on TV?

Well, well, well, have I got some good news for you? I have just finished researching and developing a system that is 100% guaranteed to kick those blues. 100% sure to turn that frown upside down! 100% proven to keep you from being such an annoying depressed little shit!

It’s called Dr. Joe McVeigh’s Facebook Uphoria Creator & Dignity Umptulator (FUCKU) and with just 3 easy steps, it will have you happier and more self-confident than Lil John at a senior prom. But let me allow the program speak for itself.

Step 1:

Go on Facebook and befriend everyone you went to high school with – the losers, the twats, the trouser stains – the people you never wanted to see again. Don’t worry about these people not accepting your friend request. They won’t. At this stage in the game, they need you more than you need them.

Step 2:

Monitor their status updates. Take careful note of how inane and inconsequential they truly are. Keep a careful eye out for updates with that weepy, poor-me shit.

Step 3:

Take great satisfaction out of the fact that you are not these losers that you are now “friends” with. Earn self-esteem from their sad, pitiful lives.

Step 4 (Bonus step!):

Have fun! Have a drink, go dancing, bump some lines, play some Russian roulette – do whatever you want until you get depressed again and need to log back into Facebook.

Don’t wait! For three easy payments of $24.99, you too could find out how Facebook can sure your depression & improve your self-esteem with my patented FUCKU program. Operators are standing by.

Call now.

The Atomic Number of "Blackened"

Some albums have opening tracks that both blow you away and tell you how awesome the rest of the record will be. It’s like the opening track is warning you that you’re in for some serious ear banging. Like first track is merely an opening salvo that lands like a kick to the teeth. The Ramones first album and Screeching Weasel’s Boogadaboogadaboogada jump to mind.

But by far, an album that best fits this description is Metallica’s …And Justice For All. “Blackened” is a mind-fuckingly awesome opening track on the band’s pinnacle record. It’s arguable that when Armageddon comes, it will arrive to the sound of “Blackened.”

As YouTube commenter abvflux put it best:
THIS FUCKING SONG NEEDS TO BE ON THE PERIODIC TABLE.

Amen.

There is no other way to convey how nails “Blackened” is. Never!

All the Fake News That’s Fit to Reprint

In yet another case of a news organization being duped by The Onion, the New York Times printed a picture of a fake Tiger Beat magazine with President Barack Obama on the cover, even though the picture was straight out of The Onion and therefore totes fake.

As Joe Pompeo notes in a Yahoo! News blog, this is certainly not the first time this has happened:

Back in 2002, the Beijing Evening News fell for a gag about the U.S. Congress demanding a new Capitol building with a retractable dome. In 2009, two Bangladeshi newspapers were duped by The Onion’s spoof validating fringe conspiracy theories that the 1969 moon landing was a hoax. More recently, Fox Nation fell for the outlandish headline, “Frustrated Obama Sends Nation Rambling 75,000-Word E-Mail.”

But still, at least one question remains: What in the hell was the New York Times doing printing a picture of Tiger Beat Magazine? According to their redaction, the article it appeared in was “about how the original teen-girl tabloid has remained virtually unchanged since its inception in 1965.” So? Is this what waits for me behind that New York Times paywall? Fucking articles about Tiger Beat magazine – articles about Tiger Beat Magazine that aren’t even fact-checked. Christalmighty.

In related news, I’m currently working my way through The Onion’s Our Front Pages book. I highly recommend it.

What Do Aliens Think of the Zumba?

Let’s say that an alien has come to Earth on a research mission. He wants to know what Earthlings are like. So he gets a furnished apartment, he arrives in secret, and he let’s his home planet know he’s made it to Earth safe and sound.

He knows almost nothing about Earthlings, but he’s all ready to learn. So he turns on his TV and sees this:

What the hell would he think of humanity? What do you think his first report back to his planet would say?

[I chose Zumba for this post, but really any workout video/commercial could work just as well. Am I the only person fascinated by those things?]

Missing Links – 4.22 – It’s Been Real Edition

The Missing Links is just what it sounds like – a collection of links to interesting things I found on the interwebs this week. I hope you enjoy them. This is the thirteenth in a never-ending series. There was no Missing Links column last week because I was busy, dammit.

This will also be the last Missing Links column. I started Missing Links as a way to post more often, but it has been taking up all my time. From now on, if I see something that I think deserves mentioning, I’ll write a short post and link to it.

Winner! Pat Tillman’s brother was interviewed on Bill Maher and Dangerous Minds grabbed the video. No matter what your views on Bill Maher are, check out Tillman’s brother, Richard Tillman, who has no trouble speaking his mind, and who I believe he has every right to do. Also included is a link to their other post which has the videos for the true story behind Pat Tillman’s death and the Army’s attempt to cover it up.
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A Close Second: Does a church decorated with human skeletons sound like something from a horror story to you? Well, as they say, life imitates art because there are not one, but a couple of churches like this. Seriously creepy. Photos below and after the jump.
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Best in Show: Unsuck It, the site that translates business jargon phrases like “win-win,” “actionable,” and “reach out to” into what they really mean.
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And this week’s Crazypants Award goes to… the Republican candidates for president in 2012, who, believe it or not, all raised taxes while in office. Just my two cents, but raising and lowering taxes isn’t the answer. The answer is what you do with taxes. Do you pad the pockets of the rich? Or do you help the poor and disadvantaged? Do you piss it away? Or do you monitor the payoff?

A bone chandelier from the Sedlac Ossuary, a.k.a. the Eighth Level of Hell (courtesy asw909/flickr)

I didn’t know about this study when it came out, but healthcare costs were the number one source of bankruptcy in 2009. Does anyone really think America doesn’t need healthcare reform?
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In honor of the 150th anniversary of the Civil War, the A.V. Club Philadelphia invented a drinking game with Ken Burns’ Civil War documentary that is sure to make you remember what all went down in those dark days – like, way better than those pesky books could ever do.
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Have you heard of the dispicable use of bear bile in traditional Chinese medicine? If you haven’t, here’s an article describing the horrifying business. The pracitice of extracting bile from living bears is worse than it sounds and worse than I can phrase here.
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The Anthology of Rap has been out for a couple of months now and is available on Amazon for under $25. The book is almost 900 pages of rap lyrics – no beats, just text. NPR sat down with a book reviewer to ask what he thought of the songs after he read the lyrics compared to after he heard the music. It’s very interesting and I want to pick up a copy, but there are too many errors in the transcriptions to warrant a purchase just yet. Waiting for the second edition…

A Language Link to Peeve You Off (Peeve? Does Anybody Say That?)

Johnson is peeved by people who insist that healthy can’t do double-duty. But guess what? It can and does. So do lots of other words, dummies.

Want another picture from the crazy bone churches? You got it, ace.

This is a goddam coat of arms made out of bones. Sweet dreams. (courtesy Irumiha/flickr)

The Missing Links – 4.8 – Hey! Ho! Let’s Go! Edition

The Missing Links is just what it sounds like – a collection of links to interesting things I found on the interwebs this week. I hope you enjoy them. This is the eleventh in a never-ending series.

Winner! The Ramones, or the band that I have decided to listen listen to exclusively. For those of you not informed, The A.V. Club has a great introduction to the Ramones and their work. Gabba Gabba Hey.
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A Close Second: mental_floss has a really great article on Marvin Gaye’s What’s Going On
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Best in Show: Maps of War has a really cool 90-second video showing the kingdoms that have ruled the Middle East. Really cool. Now I want to read a book on Middle Eastern history. Any suggestions?
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And this week’s Crazypants Award goes to… Cheesus

Are you in favor of old white women governing what goes on in your balls? Or old white men governing what goes on in your vag? What does your invisible man in the sky tell you? Here’s what the FSM has to say.
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Speaking of God and stuff, I bet you’re wondering if the Bible says you can stone that gay couple that just moved in down the street. Not for being gay, you can’t. If you see them picking up wood on Saturday, on the other hand…
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The New York Times has an interesting article on the mathematics of ancient Babylonia. And, yes, the history of math is interesting.
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Have you seen my stapler?

Language Js

The Hot Word on the history of the letter J
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English in the twentieth century, according to the OED.