Crack Rock the Vote

Or, a lesson on narcotics and how, if properly applied, they can be a benefit to our great nation.

The deficit is spinning out of control. We’ve all heard the bad news about how much Congress is spending. Many of us think that they’re wasting our money away. The more intelligent among us know they are. But what are we as concerned citizens to do about it? Well, my fellow Americans, I have a plan. It may be rather eccentric, but after giving it much thought, I think it’s just what this country needs. I ask my readers to bear with me until the end of this article. I believe you will see my reasoning. I ask you also to remember who else was once considered eccentric – the Founding Fathers.

My idea sprung from the life of one of my dear friends. About a year ago, my friend started experimenting with chemically intoxicating himself. After trying a few different narcotics, he landed on one that really struck his fancy – crack. Crack has an interesting history in this country or so I’m told by many of its users. I think that their fervor is what drove my friend to try it – crack is all that crack users want to talk about. He told me later that their stories and one hit was all it took. As soon as my friend tried it, he knew he wanted more.

But what was particularly interesting about my friend’s ventures with crack – and what really piqued the interest of my analytic mind – was the extent to which my friend would go to obtain more crack. He washed my windows with just his spit and his t-shirt for more crack. He reshingled my neighbor’s roof for more crack. He picked each and every hair out of my carpet for more crack. And he performed a host of sexual favors for the elderly woman living upstairs – just for more crack. Once a fervent capitalist who believed spending money was essential to a healthy economy, he now rarely spends even a single dollar, unless it is on crack.

And then it hit me. Why not get Congress on crack?

Congressmen and women can’t seem to stop their spending. They have no problem allocating and exhausting our hard-earned tax dollars on themselves and their districts. It must be stopped, but so far, every single plan to do so has failed. Congress spends more and more each and every year [see graph below]. But what if they were all using crack? The way I see it, they would all be like my friend, the crackhead. They wouldn’t be able to spend a dime on anything but crack.

Now, you may be worried that instead of spending money on pork projects, all that money would go to congressional crack expenditures. But I have thought of that too. Remember that my friend would perform almost any task to get his hands on more crack. I can assure you that balancing the deficit would be no problem compared to some of the things my friend has done. All we have to do is tell them they can have some more crack when the country is out of debt.

Problem solved. You’re welcome, America.

Source: My ass
Advertisements

The Year of the Hare by Arto Paasilinna

The main character gives up his life completely to travel Finland with an injured hare in his pocket. And somehow he’s the sanest character in the book.
Continue readingThe Year of the Hare by Arto Paasilinna”

The Year of the Hare by Arto Paasilinna

The main character gives up his life completely to travel Finland with an injured hare in his pocket. And somehow he’s the sanest character in the book.

I have to hand it to Paasilinna. He has taken the old picaresque story and made it interesting with this book. You don’t often see that done anymore.
But here it is. Vatanen, our main character, decides to leave his life behind after his coworker hits a hare with their car. This may sound crazy, but Vatanen isn’t exactly leaving much behind – a loveless marriage, a job he has come to despise, and no friends.
A story like this in the hands of another writer would seem ludicrous at best and amateur at worst. But Paasilinna’s wit is here to save the day. When Vatanen’s wife calls him crying because he ruined her life (not because he was leaving, mind you), he tells her, “Cry quicker, or the call’ll get too expensive.”
Yes, if you’re going to read a Huck Finn-like story, you might as well read one by a writer with a dark wit. Paasilinna’s humor takes a bit to kick in, but when it does, it hits right in the teeth. The chapter where Vatanen and his hare meet the priest is brilliant.

But The Year of the Hare is not all fun and games. Some of the most poignant scenes in the book come when Paasilinna doesn’t give the reader what they want, like when Vatanen goes up against the vacationing drunks in the cabin next door. At first the outcome was disappointing, but the more I thought about it, the more it showed Paasilinna’s guts as a writer. It was this scene that turned The Year of the Hare from a good read into a great read.
As a side note, the translation I had could have been better. It didn’t ruin the book, but it was noticeably lacking in some parts. I mean, who knows or uses words like “nous” and “baborborygmi”?
Next up: The Stuff of Thought by Steven Pinker

Photo courtesy of Alexander Parsonage.

var googleSearchIframeName = “cse-search-results”; var googleSearchFormName = “cse-search-box”; var googleSearchFrameWidth = 800; var googleSearchDomain = “www.google.com”; var googleSearchPath = “/cse”;

The White Zombie Way

Are you tired of your workers wasting your money? Are your employees missing that get up and go that drives your profit margins? Well, look no further, my friends. The solution is here. My patented White Zombie Way will put your staff and resources back to work for you.

First, let’s be honest. It’s hard to get your minions motivated these days. In an economic slump, ain’t nobody wanna do nothing, amIright? That’s why you need to try the White Zombie Way of keeping your employees alert and active.

The White Zombie Way is easy. Just blare my White Zombie mix tapes all day, everyday through your companies sound system. After your employees hear such powerful anthems like “Super-Charger Heaven” and “More Human Than Human,” they’ll be ready to rip the face off the competition.

That’s really all there is to it. All Zombie, all the time.

And the best part? Once you own the tapes, you can play them around the clock so that your janitors can also hear the music that will haunt their days. Before you know it, they’ll have your carpet so clean, you’ll be able to see yourself in it.

Such is the power of the White Zombie Way. Call now.

Turn your kiss-ass workforce into a kick-ass workforce.

Also available:

The Megadeth Method

The Slayer Solution

And for our European customers, the Rhapsody Ritual

Call now.

Picture courtesy of White Zombie

Click, Clack, Moo, Cows That Type by Doreen Cronin

Doreen Cronin’s book may be titled Click, Clack, Moo, Cows That Type but I prefer to call it The Rise of Agricultural Socialism.
Continue readingClick, Clack, Moo, Cows That Type by Doreen Cronin”

Reading the OED by Ammon Shea

The Oxford English Dictionary spans twenty volumes. It weighs 150 pounds. It is the be all and end all of English dictionaries. But it is more than that to Ammon Shea. It is the greatest version of Shea’s favorite book.
Continue readingReading the OED by Ammon Shea”

Fragile Things by Neil Gaiman

I have a tough time reviewing short story books. The stories are rarely connected to one another and the best you usually get is a theme shared by all. Such is the case with Fragile Things, a collection of Gaiman’s gothic tales (yes, there are other kinds). Unlike most short story collections, however, Fragile Things has two strikes against it before readers even pick it up.

Most people know of Neil Gaiman through The Sandman, his graphic novel series. The Sandman was one of the first popular graphic novels, mainly because the story was so good. But so was the artwork, and there’s the rub. Fragile Things comes with no artwork. For someone used to having the visuals provided with a Gaiman story, this could be problem.

It is not.

Although I feel that all short stories should come with illustrations, Fragile Things, is simply great stories written by a great writer. Add to that the gothic theme and you have something very special because Gaiman is especially good at writing dark fiction. He proved this with The Sandman.

What makes or breaks it for me, though, is how I knew that each story was well written. I didn’t like every story, but no one will enjoy every story in a collection. I knew, however, that the stories I didn’t would appeal to others. Basically, Gaiman’s writing abilities are on full display.

And speaking of the stories, here’s a list of the ones I enjoyed and why I enjoyed them.
The Mapmaker – A nice little story hidden away in the introduction.

The Flints of Memory Lane – This is the perfect ghost story because it doesn’t cost the reader anything. They don’t have to believe in the supernatural forces or objects. All they have to know is that something very unusual happened and it scared someone very much. These are the best ghost stories because they are the most likely to happen to you. Bonus: This one is true.

Bitter Grounds – I hate to call this a zombie story because most zombie stories suck. So I won’t. This story is more like a dream – it picks up in the middle of nowhere with just enough background given and then somehow manages to have a definite ending that leaves much hanging.

Good Boys Deserve Favours – This is a great story for musicians, especially bass players.

Harlequin Valentine – Another great story, now available in graphic novel form.

Feeders and Eaters – This story is just creepy and cool. I’m not going to ruin it for you at all, but if you read one story in this book, and you want it to be a great and creepy story, make it this one. This was a dream Gaiman had. It was first a comic, which would probably also be pretty cool.

Diseasemaker’s Croup – This is a very interesting, very short story.

Goliath – One of the better stories in this book. Very Matrix-like. According to Gaiman, he wrote it to go on the Matrix’s website. Imagine that.

Sunbird – This was an exciting story. It works a lot like stories about the devil, although the payoff and revenge are a bit introverted. Gaiman says R. A. Lafferty was at one point “the best short-story writer in the world” and Sunbird is his attempt to write a Lafferty short story.

Up next: Reading the OED by Ammon Shea.