Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin. What do all of these people have in common? They are all huge assholes and they were all baptized in the Christian faith.
Confucius, Buddha, Ghandi. What do all of these people have in common? They are all not assholes and none of them were baptized in the Christian faith.
Coincidence? I think not.
The anti-vacciners have been fighting the good fight, but I think I’ve hit on something even more profound. Christian baptism leads straight to assholery. The evidence is staggering. Fidel Castro? Baptized. Rick Santorum? Baptized. Need I go on?
Now, the “scientists” out there will cry foul and claim I don’t have any evidence to back this up, but I’m ready for them. I not only have scientific evidence, but I have personal, irrefutiatable, scientific evidence to back up my claims.
My first son, who is now two years old, was baptized when he was young. In just two short years he has become a major asshole. He constantly disregards my orders. He fights me tooth and nail when I try to give him dinner. He purposely makes a mess of his toys and refuses to clean them up. As a loving parent, I try to set him straight, but inside I believe he is already lost. It’s hard to have faith when the evidence of assholery is staring you in the face day after day.
My wife and I were at a loss with what to do, so before our second son was born, we went to the University of Google and did some of our own research. It turns out there have been many, many assholes throughout history who were also baptized as Christians. We just couldn’t do that to our other children.
I’m happy to say that our five-week-old son is shaping up to be a great person. Already, he stays where we put him, he never makes a mess of his room, he eats when my wife feeds him, and he stays quiet most of the time. And do you know why? Because we didn’t baptize him. What else could it be? We have raised him the same way we raised his asshole older brother, but besides looks, the two are polar opposites.
I think it’s time to stand up for our rights. Big Church has been pushing baptism on people for millennia. And look where it’s gotten us. The world is full of assholes. There’s probably one near you right now.
It’s time we re-educate the masses on this hypocrisy. It’s time we show our leaders that we’re not going to take it!
Join me, my fellow informed parents, and we will prevail!